Wednesday, February 22, 2012


I recently found an amazing web-sight for grieving mommies. They do a weekly topic for moms to post about and link to other moms, on the same subject. It is comforting to hear stories of others walking this sometimes lonely road of loss. This post is on "the birth of our baby".
Thank you Sufficient Grace.

The birth of my beautify baby boy. 

It all happened very fast and was so unexpected. I went to a routine doctors appointment on Monday, January 23rd. The prior week I had the flu and had to reschedule my January 18th appointment until the following Monday. When I arrived  my blood pressure was high but they thought it was due to my sickness. During the doctors routine examination she began to check for the babies heartbeat. After an agonizing 10 minutes or so she said she needed to send me to the emergency room because she could not find his heartbeat. I was worried, but  honestly thought every thing was fine. After all, we had just seen our little guy on a 3D ultrasound the week before. I thought he was just hiding. I called my my husband (Jimmy) and after delivering my five other children to their Mam's, we proceeded to the hospital.

Once we arrived at the hospital I was pretty relaxed. After all, we had sent text messages to our church family, personal friends and family members, everyone was praying. Surly God would not let that many people down, and besides I have a miracle baby and know that God can come through even in bleak circumstance. The ultrasound confirmed what seemed unimaginable to me, our sweet baby boy was already in heaven. In shock, we gathered our family to prepare for Jonathan's delivery the next day. I felt so alone and lost that night, how was it possible my baby was dead? I could of swore I felt him kick that night. 

January 24th, 2012 will be etched on my heart and mind forever. Although I had given birth to five babies, my arrival at the hospital on this day was indescribable. I had been anxious and afraid before but this time I was embarking on a journey that would forever change me. A road no mommy would ever want to walk. As I lay awaiting Jonathan Anthony's arrival I pondered what would life be like now, how I would it feel to leave the hospital with empty arms and a broken heart. Jimmy never left my side, yet I felt alone. My wonderful Mother-in-Law and Sister-in-law joined me for his birth. They looked through the memory box the hospital had provided us, and gave me some helpful information designed to help me through this time.

I never had such conflicting emotions while desperately wanting it to be over, I knew the end result of his birth would be the ultimate goodbye.   

The sunset on Johnathan's birthday we could see it from our hospital window!

At around 7:30 I felt the urge to push, when the doctor checked me she said we had to wait until I was fully dilated. She informed us Jonathan's body could be damaged from the delivery. This is when my tears gave way to panic because it had not crossed my mind, the consequence death had taken on his little body. I begged my husband to pray that Jonathan would be born quickly and entirely whole. 
My scream "the baby is coming" was within seconds after his prayer was finished.

Jonathan Anthony was born at 7:40p.m. I was terrified to see, would his precious body be intact?

 I took him into my arms and immediately my heart overflowed with motherly love. He was perfect, and I adored him. The next hours were our cherished, blessed time with our son. My husband and I held him, talked to him and prayed over him. I unwrapped his little body and did my best to commit every tiny detail to memory. We took many pictures, I am so grateful we did. 

When the nurse came to take his hand and footprints I will never forget the compassion and love she showed. When she took him from my arms and spoke to him as if he belonged to her.  She said "Hello handsome little man, I am here to take care of you." Even writing these words the tears begin to flow. Her considerate beautiful words still take my breath away. 

As the time passed we knew the moment would arrive. We would have to say fair-well to Jonathan for the rest of our lives here on earth. My tenderhearted husband said "We can't let him go on his BIRTHDAY". So at a little past midnight, we said goodbye to our beloved son.

  My grief in that moment threatened to consume me, I felt devastated beyond compare but just as the darkness was closing in, I heard the still small voice of my Jesus. God presences was there with us, although he did not remove the pain, he carried me and held me.

 The next day the amazing nurse that had been so compassionate to Jonathan and myself came to visit. 
I told her thank you from the bottom of my heart. Her replies will be forever engraved on my heart. She said "No, thank you, Jonathan was one lucky boy to be so loved, some children live a lifetime and do not know the love he had." I will be forever thankful for my angel nurse. 

We did leave the hospital with empty arms and a broken heart, however we also left with resolve. A quite determination filled my heart to honor my sweet Angel baby, to make sure the world knew he existed and was so very loved.

Jonathan Anthony my darling, you are precious, cherised, rememberd and beloved. Thank you Jesus that I do not walk alone, you are my constant companion.

Isaiah 43:2-3 2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. 3 For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;


Crystal said...

I am crying as I read this. Your pain, still so raw and fresh, its heartbreaking to read. I'm so sorry that your son isn't here with you but I'm so glad to you were chosen to be his mommy. You are a better, stronger, more loving wife, mother and friend because of him. You are blessed to have been the person chosen to carry him and love him every single day of his life. I'm so glad that you had such a positive birth experience and were given support, love and understanding from the staff and those around you. I think it truly makes a difference during such a life changing moment.

Alison said...

Thank you so much for visiting my blog and leaving such a loving comment. I was filled with emotion as I read this post. I can relate to so many of the things you wrote. I'm so truly sorry for the loss of your son. His birth was so recent that you must still feel you are in a fog, at least that is how I felt in the weeks after. I still feel that way sometimes. Many people have supported me and told me to be gentle with myself, and I encourage you to do the same. Sending so much love and comfort your way <3

hiswife518 said...

I wish there were some way we could sit some place quiet and private, crying together into our coffee. So many of your feelings directly mirror where I was when we buried our son Caleb. I hope that you'll go back through my blog and read the things I wrote when it was all fresh and new. Also, you can find Caleb's Ministry on Facebook as well. <3

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

What a precious birth story. I love the words of that amazing nurse...what courageous and beautiful compassion!! I speak often when I meet with hospitals on the courage it takes to show such compassion in the face of loss...when others may want to look away. She was a beautiful example of that. I'm so glad you wrote about it. Time sometimes fades certain memories...I'm so glad you'll be able to cherish her words always. Love the scripture you of my favorites! (Although I had several!)

Jessica E said...

This post really brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry for your loss and your family's loss. Jonathan was blessed to be born into a family with so much love. I am praying for you and your family.

Corrita Concon said...

I teared up the exact moment reading what made u tear up writing about the precious nurse.. Nurses nurture during the most vulnerable times of our lives, some are truly sent from God.

C.L. Pea said...

Tesha, your baby's birth story is so heartbreaking. I feel like what you have gone through must be so much harder than what I've experienced with my miscarriage. I know how hard it was for me, and I can only imagine your grief and sorrow. I pray that the Lord will be your strength and hope and healing. I don't know if we will ever meet in this life, but someday in heaven I will rejoice to see you and Jonathan together. God bless you.


I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious Jonathan. I am glad you had such an angel nurse. Many Thoughts and Prayers are with you.

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