Saturday, February 18, 2012


So I was wondering (my family also) when life would get back to normal. I haven't really done the normal stuff since Jonathan went to heaven. What do I mean by, cleaning, homeschooling, all the stuff that fill our daily lives. Sure we have gotten by, I have done the bare minimum. Thank goodness we have an amazing church with a meal ministry. If we didn't I am sure my kids would have eaten pasta every
night (that's all my husband cooks) although he can cook anything.

I know its time to get back to our daily schedule. Well my mind knows it, but I am having trouble convincing my heart. These weeks since we lost Jonathan I have stayed inside, only going where I had to. It has given me time to read, journal, reflect and pray. It has been very sad a some moments, but at others I am thankful for the quietness and rest. One reason I keep putting off getting full swing into life, is the possibility of me having a surgery. Honestly, I know it would be much easier after the surgery if I had caught up before. 

So now I will say the real reason, I don't want  to go on like all is normal and stop thinking about Jonathan. I think of him every minute, I miss him, and I want everyone to know it. If I am back to real life other things will consume me and I don't want my thoughts of him pushed to the back of my mind. Also it is so hard to be around others who don't know what happened. I just want to tell them, "Do you have any idea how much my heart hurts?" My friend who lost a baby said she would stand in the market and feel like screaming."My baby died" That how I feel. Its strange to "go on" after great loss, 
yet I know that's what I must do.

 As I sat in a deli the other day it began to rain, and I began to cry, Why? I don't know, all I know is my heart feels raw and sensitive. My husband, the wise man that he is came up with a solution. Set a date to get back to it all. So last week I said, on Monday I would began my normal life again. Only today we cleaned and prepared the house to get back into our routine, but even though I was doing something I normally do (cleaning) it did not feel normal.

I think I need to realize I have a new normal. Before January 24th I did not have a little baby boy die. I had not held him and felt the great sorrow of losing  my baby. I am different now, life is different now, normal is not the same as it used to be. I believe I am better, closer to Jesus and thankful for my many blessing, aware that life it precious not to be taken for granted. Lord, I need  help to be the wife, mommy, daughter, friend  and christian you want me to be. Thank you that when I am weak you are strong
.Psalm 119:116-117 Sustain me, my God, according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed.
Uphold me, and I will be delivered;
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