Sunday, February 26, 2012

MY SEA OF GREIF

Thank you Sufficient Grace for connecting hurting mommies. This post is following thier prompt on, the sea of grief.

 I have only just begun this journey through the sea of grief that many have walked through for years. It is one month since we said goodbye to our darling baby. The days are fuzzy, at moments I feel like I have lost this month. Where did the time go, it seams like yesterday I held Jonathan in my arms. I am desperately grasping for my life preserver, the unsurpassed, infinite, and consoling WORD OF GOD. It is what gives me hope.

1 Thessalonians 4:13 And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope.


 I now know what it feels like to lose a son. All consuming sorrow, is my companion at times. Then as quickly as the storm appeared it is quieted. My heavenly father brings sweet relief from my grief, just in time, at the moment I simply can not bear anymore. I never would of thought that Jonathan's death would have such a profound effect on my life and heart.  How could someone who existed for such a short time leave such a deep everlasting impression. I am so thankful for his life and the GOOD THAT WILL COME FROM THIS GRIEF. It is so new to me, I know it will be a long road. 

When my beloved Papaw went to heaven everything hurt for a year, I expect this will take even longer. I recently heard a quote that said...."When you lose a parent you loose your past, when you lose your child you lose your future." I feel like I have lost a big part of my future. I have lost a baby boy that would of become a toddler, a child, a teenager and then a man. My loss will span the coarse of my life. I will always be aware someone is missing. 

In the first weeks of this uncharted course of grief, I was extremely chatty I wanted to talk to everyone. I wanted to tell them all about Jonathan, every detail. I was so afraid that people would dismiss his life, it was like I was on a quest to validate him. At this moment my sea of grief seems deep and dark. I feel alone and broken. I no longer want to talk, I am exceptionally quite these days. I am not sure what has changed, all I know is my mind feels clouded and so many things seem insignificant. If asked to describe myself before, I would of said "fun-loving and easy going." Where has that girl gone...will she return? 

Leaving the hospital without my baby.

 Funny how grief  can cause us to return to old habits. I was so proud of myself this past year. I have never been a very organized girl. In 2011 I implemented a pretty strict schedule for our family, and it worked. These past weeks it has flown out the window, and I have reverted to my old unorganized ways. My 9:30 laundry time now passes with the piles still on the floor. I know this is just a season, and one day I will be encouraged to begin again. I try not to be to hard on myself, certainly no one else is. It's just surprising to me the far reaching effect grief  has.


I try to give my best to my children, but at times I fail. They are so sweet and understanding, even my two year old knows mommy is sad, because our baby Jonathan went to heaven. Because I home school there is no quite place for me to be alone with my thoughts during the day, so I have become a night owl. Of coarse this leads to the enviable grouchiness that come from sleep deprivation. My children, husband and friends are very accommodating to my grief, they give me lots of grace. I am so appreciative  for their sympathetic love.


Above all I am thankful  for the promise of everlasting life from God. I know that he is beside me, not standing at a distance watching from afar. His Son also died, he knew the great grief I am experiencing. In some  moments I feel like my heart and flesh will fail, thank God my Jesus will rescue me.


 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26 

3 comments:

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace said...

Hi Tesha. I'm so glad you're joining us....and so sorry it has taken me so long to get to your blog. This sisterhood of grieving mothers can be a great support, but it certainly isn't a club any of us were hoping to join. Please know that even though you feel so alone, you are not. I know that you have faith in the Lord, and you trust Him to carry you through this time. He is and He will. But, the pain is one that will be felt anyway, despite His grace and love. Lives so precious were meant to be grieved. Our mama hearts ache, because we are missing little ones who would as you said grow into a toddler, a teenager, a man. We are missing who they were and who they would've been. We do cling...even in the missing to the hope we have in Him, and the promise that our children live on in heaven...and we will hold and know them once more. In this world, we certainly will have trouble...but we take heart...for He has overcome the world.

I will make sure and mention that you have linked up to some of the previous Walking With You posts. Sometimes the mamas on the walk do not go back to earlier weeks and look. It will be an encouragement for you and for them to know they are reading along. And, to know you are not walking this path alone. Sending prayers for you today...from a mama's heart that "gets it".

brigette said...

As I read more on your blog its kind of crazy I feel peace. You write so honest and true. Im so sorry you know this pain and you have recently entered into this world. Its hard, its painful and sometime you can feel so alone. I hope you know you can reach out. Please feel free to email if you need to my email is brigey5689@gmail.com. Thanks for reaching out on my blog as I said reading your story is heartbreaking biut your words are powerful. Praying for you and your sweet family!

Anonymous said...

Dearest Tesha I am so very sorry for your deep loss. My name is Amy Smith and I want to thank you so much for your words of comfort on my story at stillbirthday.My heart hurts for you.I pray for your Jonathan as I pray for my Christopher, Tia, and Eric that God will hold them all in his loving arms. If you need a friend I am here for you too. My email is sparklz90@yahoo.com I would like to talk. Thanks for caring

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