Saturday, February 25, 2012


This post is following the prompt from sufficient grace ministries entitled, A Precious goodbye.

We have only recently lost our darling boy. Our goodbye has not been a spectacular one, sometimes I feel very sad over the way it stands right now. We choose to cremate Jonathan, I was not thrilled about it but it seemed like our only option. We live in a big city where burial land is very expensive and hard to come by. I grew up in Tennessee and we had a family plot that we visited often, I just assumed that's the way it should be. However it is not possible for us were we live at this time. So our Jonathan was cremated.

Going to the mortuary was one of the most horrendous experiences I have encountered through this trial. When we arrived the lady was cold and calculated, even though I was weeping. The though of my precious baby's body, cold and alone in that place was more than I could bear. I could hardly control my sobbing, yet she never spoke one word of comfort. Now I am usually a pretty mild mannered girl, I mean I better be seeing that my husband is a Pastor. I always imagine when I want to lose my temper with someone, that they would walk in our church and say, "She is the Pastors wife?"  So my husband was a little surprised when really let her have it. She had done the unimaginable to me, casually dismissing my loss because of my baby's age. I don't remember what I said, but I know it was not very gracious. I said I was going to call the manager but I never did, I figured God would do a better job at straightening her out then I could. 

My Husband (Jimmy) and I spent hours looking for the perfect urn online. We finally decided on a little wood box with a baby angel on top, resting inside wings. What I am most thankful for, is that we decided to get urn necklaces to put some of Jonathan's ashes in. We spent even more hours looking for the perfect necklace for my husband and myself. Last week on a normal afternoon, my husband called to say he was bringing our baby home. A little strange, maybe but it did bring me some comfort to think that his remains are here with us. I have not taken off my necklace since I got it. The truth is, right now I need to feel close to my baby that is absent from my body. I know he is alive in heaven, but it brings me comfort. As I go about my many responsibility's I can glance down at the necklace and whisper, "I am thinking of you Jonathan." 

The other ways we have said goodbye..... This blog, I never thought I would be a "blogger". Yet here I am pouring my heart out to a computer. I know that I will treasure my posts from this time when I look back.
made birth announcements to send to our friends and family. I am currently working on a slide show for his pictures. I still hope we have a little service for him even if is just our family, it just has not happened yet. My husband, started a sermon series our first week back at church entitled. "Faith under fire". It has been powerful as he shares our personal testimony, even in the mist as we walk through the valley.

Jonathan's blanket made by mommy.
.  My goodbye does not seem like enough. I sobbed when the birth announcements arrived because I thought they would bring me more closure, they didn't. They only left me feeling, like I wish I could do more for my sweet Jonathan. Even if we had an elaborate service, that I could only imagine in my dreams, it would not be enough. No earthy ceremony will quench the anguish of my soul.

 My only comfort is that I have a glorious hope of heaven. Someday I will hug my boy in heaven, and all will be as it should be...... 

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. Revelation 21:4


Shannon said...

Tesha, thank you for your kind comment on my blog. I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby boy. You are strong and brave to write so soon after such a traumatic event. God bless you and keep you strong! Hugs from one grieving mother to another...Shannon (feel free to keep in touch)

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

I love the necklaces...what a precious way to keep Jonathon's memory so close to your heart. The urn you chose is beautiful as well. As I read, I continue to stand amazed and encouraged by the sheer beauty of your honesty. Thank you for being so real. I know what you mean about thinking of your reactions before you blurt them out. I think we always need to do that to some degree as Christians. Sometimes though some grace is needed. Sometimes it all just oozes out! We are human, too. =)

mamasof3 said...

Tesha, I wish I could give you a big hug right now! (Maybe one day b/c I live in SoCal too) Thank you for pouring your heart out. My (1st) niece went to be with the Lord just a few weeks after your Jonathon. The pain has been tough, esp watching my sister and BIL, so I can imagine what you've been going through. I don't understand why Reagan was so sick or why she had to die. I just don't understand a lot... I'm so happy for you that you have an urn necklace. How precious :) My niece was only on this earth for less than 23 hours, and I cherish the few hours that I was able to see her and kiss her delicate skin. Sending love and prayers!

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