Wednesday, February 29, 2012


This post is following a prompt from walking with you, on marriage.

Our marriage has endured some extremely trying times, and each of those times God has worked All things together for our good, Romans 8:28.  I know this trial will bring us closer together and refine our marriage through the fire. My husband (Jimmy) is an AMAZING, WONDERFUL and SUPPORTIVE man, I am so blessed to have him.

In these weeks since Jonathan went to heaven I have experienced many emotions, one of the strongest is loneliness. I don't know how to describe it, I am NEVER alone. It's a loneliness of the heart, feeling like something is missing. Jimmy try's so hard to comfort me and be there for me. 
Like the night we first came home from the hospital, I could not sleep and he stayed up with me because I did not want to be alone. At 11:30p.m I decided to take a prescription pill the doctor had given me to help me get some sleep..... BIG MISTAKE! I started hallucinating, seeing visions of the baby, I was a wreck. I asked Jimmy to go get me some benadryl, (they had given it to me in the hospital to sleep) and he said he would go but we should stay together. I think he didn't want to leave me. We both went to the market at 1:00 a.m, our children where at mam's. We went to bed that night at 2:30a.m, together holding hands and crying. I was so thankful that he was there for me.

There were so many doctor appointments for me in those first days, he never left me and he took me everywhere holding my hand the whole time. The first time he had to go back to work I felt like my heart was being ripped out. I knew it could not stay the way it had been, it's not that I really wanted it to, I just wasn't ready to be without him.

 In the last week I would say I am like a teeter-totter, one minute wanting to be with him and talk, and the next minute I just want to be alone. There is such a difference in the way we grieve, it would be so much easier if we were the same. Of course I have always know that we are different, but in trials the differences become more pronounced. He is so considerate, always trying to read what I need and want, he does his best to help me.

 I guess the problem is --I have often expected him to heal my heart, when he does not possess the power to do so.
I know that God is the only one who can bind up the brokenhearted and set the captives freeIsaiah 61:1. Jimmy is just so much easier to access sometimes. Its not because Jesus is not there, he is always there, I just get lazy. I told a friend recently, "I wish I could type a prayer into the computer and get an answer from Jesus."
 I know I must SEEK him  Jeremiah 29:13 says You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart I will be found by you," declares the LORD. It is not always easy but there is power in the process of seeking. If I can just remember that Jimmy is my husband, my companion, my covering, my friend and not my SAVIOR everything would be so much easier.

We are closer from this experience, we have walked a deep dark path together. I will be forever grateful for the man God has given me.  He is courageous, strong, compassionate, affectionate, tenderhearted and on and on and on I could go. However he is still a man and I need comfort and healing from my SAVIOR.

Thank you God for my remarkable HUSBAND. 
Thank you for sending your Son to be our SAVIOR.

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12


Beth said...

It's easy for me to do the same thing -- to expect my husband to fulfill God's role, which he obviously can't. I'm glad that your hubby is being so gentle with you. My husband is, too. That's such a gift!

We should connect on Facebook, if you're on there! xoxo

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

Tesha...what a beautiful and heart wrenching display of love. Thank you for sharing the way you both clung to one another during the darkest of days. And, for your honesty on the struggle that we wives often face....remembering to ultimately cling to Jesus and not to depend solely on our husband's strength and love. It is hard sometimes. I like what you said about typing a prayer into the computer and receiving an answer from Him. If only!! haha =)

Messy Marriage said...

I think this is something we all do--look to our mates to fill the void that only Christ can fill. And as far as your loss, I'm so sorry, Tesha. I'm just glad that you have not only a great Savior, but a supportive and loving husband by your side right now.

Kara said...

I'm so sorry.
I know that deep-heart-grief that comes when you lose a child. (though it's been a few years)and I could relate to much of what you wrote here.
And it is such a struggle to give each other room to struggle and ache and mourn and hurt...sometimes in very different ways and on a different time-stages.
I'm so so thankful that your words show you turning towards God for His comfort-love and for the marriage-closeness that shines through in your words. heart is hurting for you...and I will stop to pray for you. I'm so sorry...
~Kara @ The Chuppies/NOBH

Jolene @ The Alabaster Jar said...

Sounds like your man is loving you like Christ loved the church! Sorry for your lost Tesha. :(
Beautiful post! Thanks for linking up with Marital Oneness are a great fit and I hope you'll return.
Love to you,

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