Wednesday, February 15, 2012

WHY?

Today we received the call we were waiting for,
 the genetic testing is done.....
They could find nothing wrong with our sweet boy. No explanation for his death will be given. I feel conflicted about their findings. Part of me desperately wanted an answer, like "The baby had this problem and he could not survive".On the flip side, I would not want to know if it was something we could of prevented. I guess this goes back to the feelings of guilt I have experienced over his death. I have asked God repeatedly to TELL me it was not my fault.Yes its true that all the Doctors, my family and friends have said it, but if I could hear it from him I would believe it. I think this is one of those great times of stretching in my faith. I sense the reason God will not impress upon my heart that it was not my fault is, because he wants me to trust him in his sovereign will to take Jonathan to heaven. I should not need an explanation for my pain, shouldn't it be enough that he made a way for me to be with my baby for eternity....... 
Today I am remembering, 
and reflecting on Job questioning God.
 Job 42:(1-6) 1 Then Job replied to the Lord: 2 "I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. 3 {You asked,} "Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?" Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. 4{"You said,}Listen now, ans I will speak: I will question you, and you shall answer me." 5 My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. 6 Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes.
  • Lord I know you can do everything including saving Jonathan, from anything. If that had been your desired plan. 
  • I known your purpose would be done no matter what I did or said. You are in control. I have questioned your plans for my life when I have no comprehension of the bigger picture, my view is so limited.
  • Now the question is to me, do I believe that God is Good? That he is more wonderful, knowledgeable, awesome, powerful than I can ever imagine?????
  • I have heard of your greatness, now through my trials I am seeing you. Therefore I repent, please forgive me for questioning your perfect sovereign will

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