Friday, March 30, 2012


But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Yesterday I went to park day with our home school group....I have not gone out much since Jonathan went to heaven. Only to church and church events. Honestly I did not want to go, but it was beautiful and the children really wanted to. I took my camera so I could hide behind the lenses. My sweet friend (also a Pastor's wife) would not let me stay there. I am so thankful that even in hard times there are rays of sunshine.....Like a friend that cares, or a prayer lifted up for me. God, knows I need those rays of hope, while I am waiting on him to heal my heart.

 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,for his compassion never fail
They are new every morning; 
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."
Lamentations 3 :22

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Count your blessings

We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures. --Thornton Wilder

pouting princess

I am Singing that song today "Count your blessing name them one by one, count your blessing see what God has done."  

JIMMY, JESSE, JADON, SHAYLA, JOSEPH, JONATHAN....... Jonathan my little man I miss you.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012


Honestly, I am really struggling....I don't know why, I have just hit a bad spot. I am praying and seeking God, searching for relief.....I know it will come. My Jesus is faithful. I am holding on to this Scripture today.

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. 
1 Peter 5:10

My Jesus will not let me down...Yes I am suffering now.... My God is still a God of Grace, He has called me, he will restore me, confirm me, strengthen me and establish me.

Why am I honest about this struggle I am in? Because nothing has helped me more than to know that others have felt this awful pain, and made it through. The mommies that have written about their loss in honesty, have been a great comfort to me in this dark time.....So today I will tell you the truth --It's hard, I am sad. However I have hope, my redeemer lives and he will rescue me.

I read this Amazing quote by a fellow baby loss mom and I say a million times AMEN!!!!!!

 When I read brave stories telling of real life--sorrowful, complicated, messy life--I'm changed. Christine from Glory to God

I am changed by this experience, I am changed by the beautiful stories I have read. I will never be the same, I will grow closer to my Jesus and use this for his glory! 

Lord today I am holding on ....I know you have not left me. You will reach down soon and strength me. I will wait for you, I expect you, I will not give up. I know you will not let me down.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

My sweet boys..

In an effort to cheer me up, my boys put on a play. This is a regular event at our house, they love to make up skits and act them out for us. Over 10 years ago we decided to get rid of our TV. That decision has been a huge blessing and has produced some amazingly creative children. 

I recently read a quote a little boy said to his family....
"Tonight lets turn off the TV and watch the baby!" wise boy.
Please say a pray for my man, he has cracked ribs from a snowboarding accident and is in a lot of pain. Also Please pray for Rebekah , her button is on my side bar. She is having a procedure on Wednesday. She has to be put to sleep, please lift her up in your prayer time and her sweet mama Nancy. Come to think of  it while I am on prayer request, so many of you have been praying for me......can I say a prayer for you? Leave a request and I will pray!

Monday, March 26, 2012

Treasures out of Darkness

Isaiah 45:3 from the Bible says:, “I will give you the 
treasures of darkness and hidden riches of secret places, that you may know that I, the Lord, who call you by your name am the God of Israel.” 

Lately I have been in the dark.....I  feel  like dreariness is over me. Even when I am happy there is a shadow. I pray for joy, I fight for joy, yet it eludes me. I smile and I think in my mind.... that was fake. There have been moments of when I read a funny post that one of my friends wrote and I actually Laugh out loud. When one of my children give me a hug just because they love me. When my husband brings me flowers, he's done it a lot lately. When a friend leaves a comment or makes a phone call and blesses me. Yes, there are moments, but overall there is a shadow. I know that it will get better, I know God will bring me through this trial. Jesus has promised he would never leave me or forsake me.....and he hasn't. Yet I truly do not feel like dancing in the rain. My emotions are delicate, and I easily sink into a pit.

One of the things I have told people while witnessing is...... God wants to give you Joy and peace. That is true he does want to bless us. Yet, we will all walk through times of sorrow. Trials are part of his good plan for my life. 

Should I accept his sunshine and not the rain???? Without the rain nothing can grow. Jesus wants me to bloom into a beautiful flower.....the rain bring growth. Today in Southern California it is raining as I look outside, it looks dreary and dark not at all inviting. When I think of my current trial, it is dreary and dark and not at all inviting. NO ONE would want to walk here, just like no one wants to play outside today.  Tomorrow the sunlight will break through the clouds, and all my children will run and laugh outside. Today they are discouraged by the rain......In a few weeks the hills in Malibu will be covered in wildflowers, too beautiful to even describe. Those flowers would not be possible with out the rain storm.

I am in a dark storm.....but I know that one day the sun will break through these clouds.
 I might not see the flowers right away, it might take some time for them to bloom-- but soon there will be beautiful bouquets in my heart and life. Those flowers will be a product of this storm....I can't see them yet, the rain is still pounding, my tears are still flowing. Even as write this I am crying...I miss my baby, I miss caring him in my tummy. The rain is poring but I know someday..........

Saturday, March 24, 2012

The Blessings Of Friends

I received this beautiful photo from my friend Hillary. She went to her garden and noticed two solitary roses  on a bush. She said she though of Caroline (her sweet daughter that went to heaven) and my Jonathan. What an incredible  blessing to have a friend like her. 

I have meet many wonderful women on the computer since I began this journey of loss. I am amazed at their courage and strength. They have suffered unspeakable loss, yet live on and love deeply. Today I choose to see the blessing of my Jonathan going to heaven......the wonderful relationships I have made.

 I might not get to have a cup of coffee with these girls, yes our hugs are only virtual ones, but never the less real. We are tasting heaven on earth.....When we get to Heaven, we will all love and understand each other fully. Here on earth, we usually are limited to only comprehending what we have walked through. I am so thankful for these wonderful women that Jesus brought into my life, that they understand how I feel. Thank you sweet sisters for all of your love.

A friend loves at all times, and a sister is born for adversity.
Proverbs 17:17

Friday, March 23, 2012


I have been passionately working on this slide show for Jonathan's life. Finishing is bittersweet, As parents we want to do things for our children.....there are only so many things you can do when your baby had gone to heaven. There are no bottles to make or diapers to change....I will never give him a bath or tuck him into bed. So finishing this project is sweet but also sad. This is why I believe mom's that have suffered loss are so passionate about giving back. They do it for their let people know they were and are. That they live on through the good the mommy gives. I have seen all kinds of beautiful acts of service that Baby loss mom's have done. I will find mine also-- as my project comes to an end my inspiration for serving and loving, to honor Jonathan will go on. His life will be my inspiration to write honestly to love fully and to give myself to any way that God leads.
I would be honored if you would watch, remember to pause the music at the bottom.

Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.
1 Thessalonians  4 :13-14

Thursday, March 22, 2012


I LOVE being pregnant, From the very first pregnancy I have love it, I always wanted a big family with each pregnancy I have rejoiced

Before you were conceived I wanted you
Before you were born I loved you
 Before you were here an hour I would die for you
 This is the miracle of Mother's Love.
-- Maureen Hawkins

Little Jimmy

The only easy pregnancy was my first Jimmy.... Well as easy as it could be binge so young 18 and newly married. He was a pretty uneventful pregnancy. Jimmy arrived on his due date 10-8-97. He weighted 6lb 6oz. Next Jesse came along I had diabetes with him and my blood pressure went up at the end. I was induced at 36 weeks. Jesse was born 6-14-01 He was my best labor I actually put lipstick on moments before he arrived. LOL He weighed 6lb 7oz.


My Third boy Jadon was by far the most stressful pregnancy. He was diagnosed at 25 weeks with hydrocephalus. We were strongly recommend by a top obstetrician to abort. We refused and his prognosis was very poor, They told us each week his Fluid on his brain was increasing. Jadon also had multiple markers, enlarged Kidneys, short femur bone. They could not tell us exactly what was wrong but told us to prepare for a severely handicapped child or even his death. I was induced at 35 weeks, despite his fetal lung development came back negative. The doctor told us the week prior to delivery he had deteriorated and even shrunk.....We were very scared we would say goodbye on his birthday 2-24-05. The NICU was there and prepared to do a shunt to drain the fluid off his brain. He was born and everyone was so relived when he cried. He weighed 5lb 11oz They did many test all day. That night the Doctor brought him to my room...... With tears in his eyes he handed me Jadon and said....I don't believe in miracles...but here is yours. We have never ceased to thank God for Jadon.

 I wanted so badly to get pregnant again it was four long years before Shayla was born. She also is a miracle. When I was 5 weeks I had a major kidney infection leaking into my body, I was on the verge of septic. I had two surgeries in one week and A LOT of medication. The doctors told me I would probably miscarry. I was EXTREMELY sick. Shayls was IURG-- basically small. I was induced for her safety at 36 weeks. 3-8-09. She weighed 5lb 9oz


Joseph came along pretty  quick. All was peaceful until 7th month when I got a kidney stone I was admitted to the hospital and induced at 35 weeks 1-11-11. His lung test also came back negative, however he was born screaming and only spent one night in the NICU. He weighed 5lb 11oz

Of coarse if you have ever looked at my blog you know I said goodbye to Jonathan on 1-24-12. I was just shy of 20weeks, His heart stopped sometime the week before. I cherish every moment I spent with my tummy and holding him. I love his pictures. I will always say I have six children five here on earth and my sweet son in Heaven.

"Before I formed you in the womb
 I knew you, before you were born I set you apart;"
Jeremiah 1:5
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