Friday, May 18, 2012

Peace in the Pain

I have been watching the calendar waiting to get past this date. Due dates do not mean anything to me because I never make it to my due date. Yesterday I would have reached 36 weeks. Which means Jonathan would be here or arriving very soon. All my babies except Jimmy have been born around 36 weeks. Two of the last three were born at the end of 35 weeks. Things kind of fall apart in the end of my pregnancy's and my doctor always decides it is best to deliver the baby. So marked in my calendar on May 17th is the word BABY! I was really happy when I calculated when Jonathan would arrive because the 19th of this month was one of my darkest days. My Papaw(like my dad) went to Heaven on May 19th four years ago. I felt the birth of Jonathan around that time would be like a redemption.
To tell you the truth I have never been big on dates of any kind. We actually forgot our anniversary for three years in a row because it falls at a busy time. So I am surprised by the significance I feel on the anniversary of death. My Papaw, my Father-in-love and now my Jonathan. It is confusing to me that they bring such a sting.

I have been feeling physically ill because of this time and a SERIOUS problem with insomnia. I never realized the importance of sleep until I have been faced with so little. I have tried so many things to be able to sleep yet it still eludes me. The song (Blessings) touches my heart so much because it say, "What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it take to know your near."

Yesterday my kids were at my MIL's, I really needed some time to rest. She is such a blessing and I am so thankful to have her love and help. I slept on and off all day almost in a dream like state. I prayed and reflected a lot. I felt moments of panic and then moments of AMAZING peace. I desperately needed this time to rest and reflect. I am so thankful that God knows my needs and meets them. He is so loving and gracious to me far more than I deserve.

As I was resting on the couch, the house was warm and cozy and the sunlight was coming through the window. I felt the warmth of the sun, the warmth of a much needed nap and the warmth of my Heavenly father. I prayed differently then I usually do. Most of my prayers are for other people, lifting up needs. Today I quieted my heart before my Savior and listened. Everything was so serene, the only sound was the sweet song of a bird outside. I felt peaceful and content. I did not hear an audible voice from him but I felt a deep love from him. I sensed a reassurance that he is not mad at me, that he knows my struggles and sees every tear.

The weight in my mind and heart felt lifted, the anxiousness melted in to a puddle of peace. I contemplated many things. Jonathan being born, his life, death and the impact they are having on me. I feel peace that this is a my path, not the one I wanted but one that I am on. My feelings might change tomorrow and despair might knock again but right now I am so thankful for this peace. Jimmy often tells me that Jesus is not a feeling. That is so true, our feelings change constantly and God always remains the same. How beautiful that he knows my need to "feel" him and every now and then he washes over me in such a marvelous way that words can not do it justice.

 You created my in most being, you knit me together in my mothers womb Psalm 139:13 is a verse the is LOVED by the baby loss community. Interesting that these verses are the ones preceding it.

1 You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
 2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
 3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.
Psalm 139:1-12

Did the Lord know how much the verse, you created my inmost being would mean to baby loss moms, is it possible he is sending us ME a message.

Jesus is not intimidated by my grief, he knows my thoughts(2) I have hid my self from my Savior unsuccessfully. When I run from him, he finds me(7) I have made my bed in the depths (8) In all of my attempts to wiggle out of his grip, he holds fast to me (10) My darkness at times have seemed to dark, would my Savior dare go there? Yes for darkness is as light to him(12) he can handle all my brokenness, all my honesty.

Today I might of welcomed my son into the world. Today might of been one of great happiness in the history of my life. Today is not what I expected it would be just a few short months ago, but today was beautiful. Not because it was without pain, but, because Jesus gave me peace in the pain.

Thank you Jesus, my Savior, my Redeemer, my Healer and my friend.


Michelle Karr said...

I am so thankful that you felt the peace that passes understanding! It is so comforting to know He is there and He knows. Beautiful insights into Psalm 139. Praying for you as you face another painful anniversary tomorrow.

Laurie and company said...

sending cyber hugs from the midwest, Tesha.
so eloquently stated.
i love that you are still clinging to your Saviour. Keep are not alone.
I'm praying for you, dear girl.

Hillary said...

Thinking of you and your sweet Jonathan today! I still have my old calender where I had marked off each week for Caroline. It makes me sad to even look at it and yet I am unable to throw it away :/. That is so wonderful that you were able to enjoy a peaceful day yesterday! How awesome that your MIL was able to keep the kiddos for you. Sometimes there is just nothing better than long moments of quiet for rest and reflection!

Lots of love to you today and always!


Kallie said...

I'm thankful that you were able to make it through yesterday with a small sense of comfort! MIL's are amazing, I agree. God sends those into our lives when we ne ed them most. Thinking of you today and tomorrow as you face these difficult anniversaries!

Allison said...

Thinking about you and praying today is also a sweet day of much peace and love for you!

Beth said...

Big hugs, Tesha. I hope that today continues to be peaceful and gentle. I'm so glad you got that much-needed rest. Thinking of you and Johnathan today. I LOVE that psalm. Like you said, it's brought SO much comfort since Eve died.

Sara said...

Tesha, I am praising God for blessing you with that peace today... So so thankful for that for you today. I know how significant and difficult certain days on the calendar can be... so hard. May our gracious God continue to flood you with peace and carry you through the moments when peace may allude you... He is always there... right there walking with you and I through this:) Peace my friend!

Alida said...

I am so grateful that you were given the gift of peace in your pain. Blessings to you!

Kristy Quinn said...

Oh sweet mama... My due date was May 5th. I can't hide from that day no matter hoe hard I try. No one will let me since it's Cinco de Meyo. :( It's been 9 years, yet I still long for my baby. Jesus has you in His arms and He will provide you moments of peace.




Trennia said...

Beautiful post...I am happy you had that peace yesterday,I pray it continues.You are in my thoughts and prayers (((hugs)))

Kim said...

Grief brings so many powerful emotions we never even knew were possible to feel. I can understand why these dates are so important to you and ingrained in your mind, love is powerful and feelings so deep. I'm glad you are finding some peace right now. It's such a roller coaster and its hard to figure out why some times are easier than others. It's about doing what you need to do to get past the painful moments and I am glad you are able to have some quiet time to reflect. Much more peace to you, friend.

SingerMamaMelody said...

Dear Tesha,
I'm praying for you today. The due date is a tough one. I'm so glad to know that you were able to get some good rest and time to reflect and just be alone. That's so healthy. Psalm 139 is one of my absolute favorites and it has ministered to me also.

Sending love to you,

Elizabeth said...

So glad you "survived" that date...I hope you feel more and more refreshed each day. You are so right...sleep deprivation can make you feel physically and mentally ill. I pray we all sleep better!

Lori said...

Continue to rest in Him. God is good all the time and His word brings restoration. I am so glad you are finding comfort in this time. I remember when Judah's due date came~I had circled the date on the calendar and had forgotten about it until I turned the page from one month to the next.
Praying for His continued presence to be very real, tangible in your life.
Keep up the God work.

Christine said...

This is so eloquent and beautiful! Thank you. I am so grateful God provided a measure of heart and soul peace, help from your MIL, etc. He doesn't take everything away, but he walks with us so faithfully. I love reading your journal.

I had to laugh at myself yesterday because the same day you wrote about bloopers, I spelled the fruit "pear" on my blog like this: pair I'm terrible with homophones!

Have a blessed weekend! Praying for more peace. And thank you again for recording how God provided!

Annmarie Pipa said...

hope you can get some sleep tonight...

Piece-of-Cake Parent said...

It's lovely that you were able to bask in the light of Jesus! I had a time like that in March at a Contemplative Retreat. Starting the Monday after I returned I was thrust into a great trial; having shored my spirit helped me weather that storm.

Debby@Just Breathe said...

I pray that peace can be yours. Sounds like the day we exactly what you and God needed. ((HUGS))

Ashley said...

Completely thinking of you. The scriptures that you quoted were so beautiful. I know that your heart is hurting, nothing anyone says or does can make that pain go away...but know that I think and pray for you and will continue to do so. ((hugs))

What Joy Is Mine said...

Tesha...oh how faithful our loving Father is!! He is ever so near to us. I'm so glad you had a peace in your heart and you felt Him close. Keeping you in my prayers precious friend.

Becky said...

Thanks for writing your feelings, Tehsa. What a beautiful reminder that to stop and allow Jesus to bring us peace. I don't do this nearly enough. Love and hugs to you on this day.

Crystal said...

I remember the "anticipation" of counting down my due date. I had written in my calendar each week, how far I'd be. I knew I could scribble over them (after I lost Nathan) but I figured "What's the point?". Even if I marked over them... I'd still know what was underneath. The closer it got, the more nervous and emotional I became. I had this anticipation... but for what? I knew there would be no baby... no happy ending. It kinda felt like a New Year's Eve countdown. (Ironic, since he was due December 30th.) You know nothing is really going to change on December 31, right before the clock strikes midnight. Yet, you countdown anyway. I remember waking up on his due date and being numb. It wasn't as bad as I had feared because honestly... I didn't know how to feel or what to think. The realization and significance of the date hit me the next day. I think part of me expected to wake up and for it to all be a bad dream. I half expected to wake up, at home, and look over beside the bed and see him sleeping in a bassinet. It was at that moment I realized, that there would never be a date where anything would ever change. He is gone and is never coming back. It was a turning point in my "grief" and, I think, when I really started "healing".

I'm thinking of you and keeping you in prayer.

Payton&Jake's Mommy said...

you are continually in my prayers. I know how tough this time must be for you. I'm so very sorry that you have two losses to mourn and grieve during the month of May. Thank you so much for sharing what the Lord layed upon your heart. Those verses do bring great comfort. It's a very nice reminder that no matter how low you feel, or how dark your days are, the Lord is with you.

Praying for you!

brigette said...

You write so beautifully!! I am the same way with death dates.. they just seem to press a little harder than others. Praying for you during this difficult time!! Thanks for your amazing example!

Laura@Splendor said...

This was beautiful. Truly.
Thinking of and praying for you. God is so faithful isn't he?

L said...

I have found the 4th and 15th of each month to have a real effect on me. (4th because Lilly was born July 4, 15th because she died Dec. 15.) Even if I'm not consciously thinking "it's the 15th" my subconscious seems to know it and I just struggle with moments of sadness during the day. But I know this is "normal" for many of us grieving moms. I LOVE what you wrote: "Jesus is not intimidated by my grief" I thank God for this and say AMEN!!

Jennifer Ross said...

What a beautiful moment with the Lord... I had chills reading it. There is nothing like those special times soaking up our Father's peace and love...

Denise said...

Hold tightly to that peace my friend.

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