I have been watching the calendar waiting to get past this date. Due dates do not mean anything to me because I never make it to my due date. Yesterday I would have reached 36 weeks. Which means Jonathan would be here or arriving very soon. All my babies except Jimmy have been born around 36 weeks. Two of the last three were born at the end of 35 weeks. Things kind of fall apart in the end of my pregnancy's and my doctor always decides it is best to deliver the baby. So marked in my calendar on May 17th is the word BABY! I was really happy when I calculated when Jonathan would arrive because the 19th of this month was one of my darkest days. My Papaw(like my dad) went to Heaven on May 19th four years ago. I felt the birth of Jonathan around that time would be like a redemption.
To tell you the truth I have never been big on dates of any kind. We actually forgot our anniversary for three years in a row because it falls at a busy time. So I am surprised by the significance I feel on the anniversary of death. My Papaw, my Father-in-love and now my Jonathan. It is confusing to me that they bring such a sting.
I have been feeling physically ill because of this time and a SERIOUS problem with insomnia. I never realized the importance of sleep until I have been faced with so little. I have tried so many things to be able to sleep yet it still eludes me. The song (Blessings) touches my heart so much because it say, "What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it take to know your near."
Yesterday my kids were at my MIL's, I really needed some time to rest. She is such a blessing and I am so thankful to have her love and help. I slept on and off all day almost in a dream like state. I prayed and reflected a lot. I felt moments of panic and then moments of AMAZING peace. I desperately needed this time to rest and reflect. I am so thankful that God knows my needs and meets them. He is so loving and gracious to me far more than I deserve.
As I was resting on the couch, the house was warm and cozy and the sunlight was coming through the window. I felt the warmth of the sun, the warmth of a much needed nap and the warmth of my Heavenly father. I prayed differently then I usually do. Most of my prayers are for other people, lifting up needs. Today I quieted my heart before my Savior and listened. Everything was so serene, the only sound was the sweet song of a bird outside. I felt peaceful and content. I did not hear an audible voice from him but I felt a deep love from him. I sensed a reassurance that he is not mad at me, that he knows my struggles and sees every tear.
The weight in my mind and heart felt lifted, the anxiousness melted in to a puddle of peace. I contemplated many things. Jonathan being born, his life, death and the impact they are having on me. I feel peace that this is a my path, not the one I wanted but one that I am on. My feelings might change tomorrow and despair might knock again but right now I am so thankful for this peace. Jimmy often tells me that Jesus is not a feeling. That is so true, our feelings change constantly and God always remains the same. How beautiful that he knows my need to "feel" him and every now and then he washes over me in such a marvelous way that words can not do it justice.
You created my in most being, you knit me together in my mothers womb Psalm 139:13 is a verse the is LOVED by the baby loss community. Interesting that these verses are the ones preceding it.
1 You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
Did the Lord know how much the verse, you created my inmost being would mean to baby loss moms, is it possible he is sending
us ME a message.
Jesus is not intimidated by my grief, he knows my thoughts(2) I have hid my self from my Savior unsuccessfully. When I run from him, he finds me(7) I have made my bed in the depths (8) In all of my attempts to wiggle out of his grip, he holds fast to me (10) My darkness at times have seemed to dark, would my Savior dare go there? Yes for darkness is as light to him(12) he can handle all my brokenness, all my honesty.
Today I might of welcomed my son into the world. Today might of been one of great happiness in the history of my life. Today is not what I expected it would be just a few short months ago, but today was beautiful. Not because it was without pain, but, because Jesus gave me peace in the pain.
Thank you Jesus, my Savior, my Redeemer, my Healer and my friend.