Monday, May 14, 2012

Reflecting on Mothers Day

Mother's day was really hard for me. First obviously Jonathan is not here, secondly he would most likely have been joining our family this week. Lastly, I feel like a really bad mom. I know that I will get comments saying, no no your a great mom. But honestly, I have not been a great mom lately. I have been sad, tired and grumpy. I know my kids are gracious and forgive me but the truth is, I know the truth. So I struggle to write this, but this is my feelings. This blog is a scrapbook of my life and I want to remember my true feeling's on my first mothers day without Jonathan.
I have to say I am heartbroken over the response from people about Jonathan. I can not tell you how
many times people have said to me in response to Jonathan's death, "You are so blessed" I KNOW I am blessed, I know that I have wonderful, healthy, beautiful children. I know many mommies have lost their first or only child. 
I know many have lost multiple children. 
Trust me when I say I know that I am BLESSED. 

 I have to say when people tell me how blessed I am, (in response to my sorrow over Jonathan) I feel like they are dismissing his life. It is not fair to HIM to dismiss what he means to me because I have many children. No child can replace another. Every mom that has experienced any type of loss and has living children or rainbow babies KNOWS that. I understand that people are just trying to comfort me, I know they mean well but it really hurts. 

 Jonathan was precious valuable and loved, he will always hold a special place in my heart that is reserved just for him. No other child present or future can fill that missing piece. Yes my kids make me smile and I am endlessly thankful for them, but pleases do not dismiss my son's life because of them. Part of me feels tremendously guilty to write this, I know so many have suffered so much.

This is my journey, the plan and path God has chosen for my life and right now and it is painful. I am in no way comparing it to the pain of others, but my heart is heavy and weary. If your reading this and have no earthy children my heart breaks that I sound so very selfish but the truth is, I am sad.

After church we spent the day with my WONDERFUL Mother-in-love. She let me lay around in my robe all day and do nothing. She is a treasure and a blessing.
She is spit cleaning the mascara off my face for pictures, only a loving mama can do that.
My MIL loves Kitty's and got a cat leash for mother's day.


This is a lovely little poem, written by my 10 year old, he read it in church Sunday morning

-My Wish-

I wish love would flow through the air,
with a helping heart that always cares.
I wish a mothers love would be everywhere,
so the lost would be loved and cared for.
On Mother's Day, we award them.
With prayers and gifts, we assure them,
that their love will not be forgotten.
I award all mothers this noble gift
of peace, joy and love,
that is my wish.

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, 
be constant in prayer.
~Romans 12:12

42 comments:

Christine said...

Oh, my friend. I knew this was going to be so hard! I am sorry for the careless comments. Lord, speak to their hearts about comforting those who've lost babies! May this callousness not be repeated.

You are right, no child can replace another. And no matter how many are in your midst, baby loss hurts fiercely, even with God's comfort. He allows terrible depths of grief so that we can comfort others with his love and grace? I think that's it, but that doesn't help when you're in the midst of the fresh pain.

I am praying that Jonathan is valued by each person you know, and that today, the right words will be spoken to comfort you and embrace you, as if from God himself. Appoint this person today, Lord. Bring relief for today's depths.

I wish there was something I could say about the mommy guilt to relieve your soul today. You are comparing your mothering style since January, to what it was previously. Please don't, for God isn't comparing. He knows your heart for your children, and he's filling in the gaps. Have faith in that? That he's there in his grace, loving them while you process and grieve? God can be there for children in ways we can't fathom. In ways the children can't even articulate. Please God, speak this truth into my friend's heart today. May she have your assurance that your love and grace are covering this time in the children's lives. I remember not being able to concentrate on the blessings before me, when I was grieving. I remember pain mixed with fear mixed with anger. Please erase my friend's guilt. Replace it with peace. Sweet peace. In your name I pray, Amen.

jenmom said...

I thought about you multiple times yesterday and wanted to be close to just give you a hug...so a virtual hug will have to do...(insert huge hug)!!

God will continue to heal your heart...thank you for being real with us!

L said...

I'm so glad you did this post! It is so important for us to share about our little angels and how we feel and that even though we have other children - we still love and wish we had our angels! They are IMPORTANT! They should always be acknowledged! When Lilly died some people thought I would be relieved because she took so much special care. I have tried so many times to share that I THRIVED on that care and felt BLESSED to do it. Sometimes I wonder if people not in our position are even capable of understanding. But we must keep trying and sharing. And lead by example.

Kallie said...

My heart is with you today. I was thinking of you and praying for you as I can only imagine the pain you were going through not only yesterday but every day that you are without Jonathon. Having bad days through your grieving process will not make you any less of a wonderful mother! By that amazing poem that your son wrote, you can see how much your children love you and want you to know your are appreciated! I pray that God gives your strength today!

Kristy said...

I'm so sorry that people say these hurtful things. I know that Jonathan isn't replaceable and is so missed. I completely understand. ALL of your children are beautiful and you have been blessed by ALL of them. I so wish I could help ease your pain. Hugs from really far away. Love you my sweet friend.

Kathy said...

I'm so sorry yesterday was so difficult. My heart was with you. I wish there was something I could do to relieve your pain. I am praying for you. Also, Jesse did an incredible job writing and reading his beautiful poem. So proud of him.

The Kimmels said...

Hugs Tesha. Yesterday was a hard day for me too. I think so often people don't know what to say or how to help so they say things that they think are helpful. I try to remind myself that they just don't know. And I think it's awesome that you have written a post like this, because this will help. I think you are doing an awesome job helping people understand what losing a child is like. It's very brave of you and I know Jonathan would be so proud :)

twisteddomesticgoddess said...

I was thinking about you all day yesterday Tesha. I was thinking about you this morning. No words can cover how you're feeling right now but just know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Dr. Ann said...

Tesha,
Thanks for sharing your son's beautiful poem. I'm glad you made it through Mother's Day. One day, one step, at a time. That's all that is required!
Blessings,
Ann

Deanna said...

Tesha, I looked over all the beautiful photos! I must say... the kitty cat ones are SO CUTE, he's so fat -just about as big as your smallest lil' boy!!! SO cute, and the kitty leash- made me giggle!

What a writer your TEN year old is!!! A lovely poem in deed! It's got to be a combination between the precious soul he is and that he's HOMEschooled -teehee !

Sweet Tesha,
I pray that some of the remarks meant for encouragement and comfort were truly meant for so. It's true that people may never know how their indented motives came across hurtful instead... and then, I also know that there are some who are purely insensitive people as well.

I hate suffering. I don't like it for you, or me, or anyone else. And for a kind of suffering that comes at the hand of a mother's loss can only be something unbearable.

I believed once that my aching, lifeless feeling soul would just wither away die when I grieved to the Lord every single month over secondary infertility…. positive tests resulting in chemical pregnancy, and other loss. I just could NOT get over searing sorrowful pain, and some (most) thought I was not looking at the ‘bright side.’ Most thought I shouldn’t mourn because I have two children while some have none.
Though what I knew it is different than what you are going through – I can assure you, every month when that time was fresh for me, felt as if death occurred again and again. I felt it wasn’t fair. I could not understand. And sometimes I became angry. Just unbearable pain - brings tears to my eyes now.

In time, God's time, I did became okay. Jesus told me, quite literally during one of my worst of worst days, "It's okay." He let me take my time in healing. It was sad, Tesha. And today, I still don't understand. But I know that I know that Jesus understands me, He understood me then as well. He understands your feelings too. He understands why my womb brought forth no more, and He knows why your Jonathan is home with Him.

Bless you dear heart. Bless you so much. And what a blessing of a mother-in-law you have. I try to use my spit every time I can to clean up my children’s faces –Ha! But they don’t let me as easily anymore these days!! Momma’s spit there’s nothing better!

By the way... you are a dear and wonderful momma. It's okay:)

Wiley's Mommy said...

I'm so sorry about your Mother's day. My grandma had a full term baby who was still born and she also has 5 other children. She told me this past weekend that it never goes away, no matter how many children you have, it will always be there. It's okay to grieve Jonathan. Your family understands, I'm sure. You are a wonderful mother. I can see that by your love for Jonathan on here. Plus, you are SUCH an encouragement to all of us ladies on blogland. So thank you for all your sweet comments, prayers and everything you do.

DeeDee said...

My precious friend...I wish I could give you a hug. All of us grieve differently and I really respect you for being honest. I know there are many mothers that feel the same way you do but just don't have a platform to talk about it. I felt the same way when people would tell me that I was blessed because I had another child. Nothing takes the place of the child you lost. I know personally that only TIME helped me slowly start getting back to normal after we lost our sweet baby. I still think about our sweet baby and its so comforting to know that I will see and hold them (we didn't know if our sweet baby was a boy or a girl) one day in Heaven. If I didn't hold onto that promise, it would be so much harder. You are in my thoughts and prayers as you still grieve, sweet lady!

Elizabeth said...

Whether you have 0 children or 60, a lost child is a lost child. No one can tell you what is right for you, "how to grieve", or how to move on because the truth is you won't ever move on. How could you? He was your baby.

May you find a way to move forward peacefully without moving on. May you never forget. May you one day be happy.

I pray that God puts some of your burden on my shoulders on my "good days" so that your "bad days" can be a little brighter.

I can imagine this week will be very hard. I will be praying for you!

Mooberry Farmwife said...

Praying for you, Tesha. We each have our own pains, our own lessons, our own joys ~ I am thankful for the chance to pray for you during your time of grief.

brigette said...

Im so sorry mama!! Mothers Day is a TOUGH one! Your sons poem is so cute! I hope you find comfort in knowing I value Jonathans life and that I will never forget him. Yes you are blessed but that doesnt take a thing away from your pain, your missing and the great love you have for him! I am praying especially hard for you on this tough, tough week!! Hugs mama

Natasha Hoff said...

UGH!!! I cried off and on all day yesterday. I tried not to cry in front of Aiden because I didn't want him to think I wasn't having a good day with just him, but I missed Amelia so much. I feel the same way, feeling like I am a horrible mom. I know it's not true but there are days I just can't shake the feeling. As for what people say, well the just don't get it. I had people say similar things, like at least you have Aiden and you can always have another baby. Like another baby will magically make the pain of losing Amelia go away....right! Each child is special and unique and our babies that we lost are special and unique. They are members of our families and they matter. I don't care if people are uncomfortable when I say I have 2 children or when I post a picture of my 2 children. If it makes you uncomfortable don't look and definately don't say anything, because until you have walked in our shoes you have no idea what we are going through. Keep posting your feelings, don't worry about what other people think. There are so many mommies that feel exactly the same way as you do, and you are helping them by being truthful!

Denise said...

My dear friend, so sorry for the pain you felt yesterday, glad your mom in-love pampered you, blessings to her. The poem your dear son wrote was beautiful, such a sweet heart he has. Listen to me ok? Never feel bad for the feelings you have, you have a right to have them, and to express them. Jonathon is not an imaginary character, he is very real, and very precious. He is your child, now, and forever. I love you.

Alida said...

Your feelings are your feelings and I pray that you always feel free to share them. There will always be those who love to give pat answers and move on. There will be those who really don't understand your grief. So what. Your son's life does have meaning and you may have feelings throughout the years for various reasons. And everyone else just needs to deal with it.

So sorry for your loss and that Mother's Day was hard. I totally get that. May God's comfort continue to surround and envelope you as you grieve.

Allison said...

Love the poem, what a special boy! I'm so sorry for your broken heart, continuing to lift you up in prayer!

The Kimmels said...

I also wanted to share these with you...maybe they can be helpful for you to pass along or even just to validate that it's not "just you" or anything.

http://www.corasstory.org/2011/06/ten-things-not-to-say-to-baby-loss.html

http://kimmeldoubletrouble.blogspot.com/2011/11/words.html

http://www.babyandinfantloss.com/for-family-and-friends/what-not-to-say.html

Ashley said...

Oh my gosh your son is THE cutest! His poem is AMAZING!!

You are beautiful as always, loved the pictures, so glad that you have a wonderful Mother-in-law.

As for the comments...I hate that people don't understand. I get the same thing..."but you have 5 other children"...yes, I do but I am desperately missing that ONE has well. I still get those comments to this day and it actually got worse once I had a subsequent baby. I am sorry that these comments are hurting you, I completely understand ((hugs)) Jonathan's life did have meaning and a TRUE mother (and person) knows that and wouldn't make such hurtful remarks.

Definitely thought of you yesterday.

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Love the prayer your son wrote. You don't need to apologize for your feelings. I don't think anyone else would feel different. I admire your honesty.
Your mother-in-love is a huge blessing to you and your family.
Take care and God bless. ((HUGS))
Debby

Jenn said...

Oh how I can relate to your post, every part of it! I too had people say very insensitive things to me (and still do). NO child can ever replace Jonathan, ever!! Just because we miss our babies doesn't mean we don't appreciate our other children, we do, but we still have a huge void in our lives. As far as feeling like a bad mom because you aren't up to doing things like you usually, that is OK!!! Trust me, they will not resent you for it. My kids did what they could and the rest can wait!! That is so great how your mom-in-love took care of you like that yesterday, what a gift!! And this was my 2nd mom's day without Noah and it still was very hard, so please be gentle on yourself, this is not an easy or quick journey. {{{hugs}}} & prayers!

Trennia said...

Tesha,
You are right no child can replace another.It hurts to lose a child and sure we know we are blessed to have other living children,but it still don't stop the longing for the one not here.People say things to fast, they just don't think it out.If I have ever offened you please know it was not my intentions.
The poem your son wrote is beautiful...
My youngest stepdaughter came out and asked me "If" i celbrate Mother's Day? I told her I honestly don't like the day...sorry I am greatful to be a stepmom and mom but Emily went to heaven the saturday before Mother's Day....so it hurts.Although my stepdaughter and kids gave me gifts I still had sadness and couldn't wait for the day to be over.(((HUGS))) I understand your hurt.

A Joyful Noise said...

Each child is precious and we love them all. Our heart breaks when we must give one up to heavens call. I send kisses and hugs your way. By the way, I enjoyed your 10 years olds poem. Such an artist.

Jennifer Stroup said...

Oh Tesha,
How I wish I could give you the biggest hug right now. I know exactly how you feel. You're grateful for what you have, but you know there is a missing piece of your heart. That hole in your heart will never go away, but it will get easier. Right now, you think about precious Jonathan and you hurt, you cry. But, there will come a time when you think of him and you will smile. That day will come. It may take a while, but it will come. Praying for you, Jennifer

Rebecca Knox said...

After reading this post two things come to mind...

1) I just want to give you a great big (((HUG))) and

2) I wanted to share with you that Saturday night when we were at the Celebration of Hope with the Duggars, during the question and answer session, Michelle shared the fact that, when she lost Jubilee, they selected a butterfly as Jubilee's symbol - i.e. - Michelle was wearing a butterfly necklace. The pastor's wife at the church where the event was held, had also lost a little girl and she, too, had selected a butterfly as a symbol of her little girl, Isabella. It was wonderful, because, as you may remember, I had nothing much left after losing Nathan...not even a place to remember him. The only thing I have to remember is a little set of footprints and a copy of the poem that the chaplain gave me that night..."Footprints In The Sand". My symbol for Nathan has got to be footprints. I'm going to see if I can find a tiny footprints necklace...at least something along that line. I don't even know if you find the idea appealing, but I am wondering...do you have a symbol for Jonathan? As for myself, I thought it was a nice idea...a way to keep the memory of their existence alive...something to keep them incorporated into our everyday lives...a necklace, a symbol on the back of the car, a motif on a pillow.

Anyway...thought I'd share. Am thinking of you and am hugging you tight in my heart. God bless you, Sweet Sister! (((HUG)))

Shauna said...

I can relate to how you are feeling. <3 ((Hugs))

KM Logan said...

Tesha,I've written about 4 different comments and erased each of them. I'm praying for you as I write this. Be blessed.

Dandelion Breeze said...

Thinking of you and know how you feel when others say that you're so fortunate to have other children... hoping your next Mother's Day is more peaceful xoxo

C.L. Pea said...

So sorry that yesterday was so hard for you... all of these "firsts" are so tough.
Your mom-in-law looks like a sweet lady, both of you are so photogenic!
Blessings in Him. :)

Kim said...

I am so sorry for all of the pain you are feeling:( You have every right to be sad, it doesn't matter how many children you have or go on to have, Jonathan's life is so special. You are a wonderful mother who loves her children truly and deeply and that is why you hurt so much. "Grief is the price we pay for love." I think of that in many moments of intense sadness. Thinking of you my dear.

Diane said...

I am praying for you. It has always comforted me knowing that my Lord is holding the part of me that's missing. We won't be whole again until we are gloriously reunited with our babies. For me, the hurt and ache haven't gone away, but neither has my hope. May His peace comfort you. I wish I was closer so I could give you a hug!!!! Take Care, sweet friend.

Lindsay said...

What a sweet poem. I'm sure you're so proud! My heart hurts for you this mother's day and the week of Jonathan's expected birth. I'm so sorry you are in pain. Some things just will never make sense and never be okay until Jesus comes back and makes this world right again. I long for that day! Blessings on you and your sweet family. You are so pretty by the way even in your robe. :)

Countrified Hicks said...

This is my first time to your blog and reading this post broke my heart. I wish I could reach out to you and hug you. I have never lost a child but I almost lost one. The day my son Ronny was born, he was supposed to die but I have him still, 7 years later. I can only imagine the pain you are feeling. You can have 20 children but if you lose one, your heart will be broken. It does not diminish your love for your other children but you have the right to mourn, wail, and be depressed. He is in a better place and you are blessed but you do not need those words right now. You need people to reach out to you with love, support and prayers. You have mine.

Tara Pohlkotte said...

oh that this stupid computer screen would get out of the way so i could hug you. that i could come up beside you in my sweats and robe and just hear you speak of Jonathan. talk, talk, talk. tell me all about his worth. tell me everything that you feel was taken from you and what you had dreamed for the future. He has worth. he is loved. And people? don't know how to react, and i am so.proud.of.you for saying what ISN'T helpful. This is part of being honest and truthful and what will help other mamas the most. darling, you are an amazing mom. and amazing moms miss their kids. so don't worry about this one not being perfect for the other kids. they get you every day.

dejah said...

Amen to everything you said, Tesha. It's so hard NOT to compare our grief to others' but you have every right to feel sad and upset, even if you think you don't have that right. Jonathan was YOUR child, and he was gone far too soon, and nothing will ever change that. Sending you hugs through cyberspace, my friend.

Also, on a shallow note, I LOVE that first picture of you in this post. You are so beautiful, inside and out!

Morgan said...

Oh Tesha, you do not need to feel guilty for sharing what's on your heart. It doesn't matter that Jonathan was not your first, all that matters is he is your son. He is your son and he is not here with you...and that hurts, that makes you sad just as much as not having Marcellus here does for me. All the children in the world can't change that.

*hugs* to you my friend. We have survived our first Mother's Day without our boys. I hope you were able to take some time to celebrate your very special role as Jonathan's mommy! Prayers and thoughts with you.

Mamascham said...

Thank you Tesha for writing this. I find myself feeling guilty about how sad I feel after loosing my Seth. He was my 6th beautiful blessing. I know to I am BLESSED. I do have five other children to hold in my arms on earth right now. I feel guilty when the grief is strong and it makes me miss the joy of them. I feel guilty when I hold them tight and laugh with them. It makes feel like I shouldn't be so happy if I should be grieving my son. It gets so confusing.

Yet this is my journey, my motherhood. I never imagined it would look like this. I love all my children deeply. Loving is most time joyful, but sometimes painful. I will continue to make the choice to feel honored that God chose me to be a Mommy to 6 beautiful children. Like me He made each one incredibly unique.

Jennifer Ross said...

I completely agree with this post. I have felt the exact same emotions for the last few years. I have had people tell me that at least I have other living children! WOW! You've got to be kidding me!! That comment made me ill. You can feel when other people are thinking about it and not speaking it too. I will continue to journal my thoughts on my blog, because it allows me to carry Isaiah's life throughout my own. He is not here, but I will never ever allow him to be forgotten.

NEVER.

Keep writing. It has helped me so much to pour out my heart, and click that publish button. We all are here for one another, and completely understand the many sad days that we encounter throughout each week, month and year.....

Lots of love....

alicia harrison said...

I am just now reading your recent posts. I havent had a computer! Thank you for writing your thoughts about Mothers day. I felt the exact same way so it is encouraging to know i am not alone in my thoughts! Praying for you!

Sheryll said...

Hi Tesha, thank you for leaving a comment on my blog. I too am sorry for your loss. Please know that you have every right to mourn for Jonathan. Losing a child is the worst possible thing that can happen no matter how many existing children you have. While Alyssa is my only child for now I know that there will always be a piece of me that will be missing even if I end up having more children. Hugs to you!

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