Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Link-up and Living through the pain.

It has been and will be a busy, hard week for me. This past weekend I helped shoot a wedding for a couple from our church that got married. I have upward of 1,000 photos to edit. Also, We decided to go to our annual bible conference. I have been on and off about going. It is a lot of work and I feel overwhelmed by the energy it will take. I decided to go because my kids love it and would truly miss out on special memories not to go. So my week is filled with pulling out summer clothes, washing and packing in preparation to leave Sunday. So if I am MIA you now know why....it is no small thing to prepare a big family to go out of town for a week.

When I was in the garage looking for the boys summer clothes in the right size I accidentally opened the newborn box. Oh how the tears fell as I pulled out the sweet little items my Jonathan should be wearing right now.  My arms have actually ached lately to hold him. I feel a deep emptiness like I have forgotten something, or something is missing. Of coarse there is someone missing, and will be until Heaven.

My husband told me he had a dream about Jonathan. I was thrilled and wanted all the details. I have not been blessed with any dreams of him other than when we first came home from the hospital, and those were nightmares. My husband said they were walking on a spectacular beach more beautiful than any beach he has been to. He has traveled and surfed exotic places ALL over the world so that is really saying something. So My husband and Jonathan were walking hand in hand. Jonathan was a little boy in faded light blue Jeans and a white tee shirt. At the end of their walk Jonathan looked at his daddy and said......"Daddy, Is mommy sad?" That is when my husband woke up. I am not big on dream interpretations or anything but I have spent quite a bit of time pondering Jonathan's question in the dream. 
Of coarse I think Jonathan wants me to be happy but I have struggled with Joy since he went to Heaven. I know he is blessed and Heaven is incredible, but I miss him so much. So here I am left with the pieces of me and my vision of our family. I strive for contentment, and I know peace of mind will return, but lately the sad days have outnumbered the peaceful ones. I think one reason this is a really difficult season for me is because it is the season I expected to have a new baby. Newborns are my absolute favorite, I adore the first few months and cherish them with all my heart. Knowing I should be cuddling my wiggly little baby swaddled in a soft blue blanket, breaks my heart. 

On I go living through the pain, 
trying to not let it define my life. 

God's grace enables us to ‘face the music' even when we don't like the tune.

Link up!
I have missed my blog reading the last couple of days as I have been swamped with busyness. I really look forward to visiting everyone and getting an update. Link up and stop by a couple of other blogs and leave a word of engorgement!

Unless the Lord had given me help, 
I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death. 
When I said, “My foot is slipping, ”
your unfailing love, Lord, supported me.
When anxiety was great within me,
your consolation brought me joy.
~Psalm 94 17-19

Link up today!
The second link up is for the still standing Journey link up!


Nat said...

Tesha, my heart is breaking for you during this time in your life. I remember feeling so lost around Sebastian's due date, and again at the beginning of this school year, when I was supposed to be at home not on my own, but with my new baby. Its the times like this, when were think about what should have been, that I think we can feel at our most lost. The emotions creep up on you, knocking you for six again, and again.

While I'm in a fairly good season of my life and my grief at the moment, I am aware that those moments will probably creep up on me again before I know it. We've just passed 9 months since Seb was born still, and this month I was OK. But next month I might not be so OK, it really can be one step forward and two back, or more back.
All my love and prayers to sustain you in this time.

Amy said...

Ive been praying for you friend.You and the words you speak dig into the part of my heart that i dont let anyone touch, the part that hurts so much i cant even speak about. Thank you for the courage you show to face that hurt when im so afraid.

Jenn said...

Huge (((HUGS))) Tesha! The season where you are at is so difficult, there is no way around it. Praying that you continue to feel the arms of Jesus holding you. <3

Deanna said...

I pray you have a wonderful, wonderful time at the Bible Conference. I know that no matter where you go or what you are doing you will always have your love and yearning for Jonathan -and that more than likely you'll face emotional challenges. This reminds me of a memory that the Holy Spirit was bringing to my heart when I was great turmiol of grief: 'I can grieve, I must not ignore it. But, my living children, the ones that God has purposed me to mother -I must not ignore.' --- As soon as I felt that being impressed upon my heart I became intentional about efforts to stay in the 'living' with my family, my children.

What a beautiful dream your husband is blessed with.

Me too! Infant babies are sooooooooooooo sweet. I held my babies ALL the time when they were infants (and well after that too!) I would kiss their sweet faces and love every minute of it :O) I rocked them both to sleep every night as well.

It's GREAT news for me to hear that you've been involved in things such as your photography. I bet the wedding was fun to take the pictures. ... And I can imagine the Upwards (your speaking of team sports, right?) -both of my children participated in Upwards at our local churches. Those were fun times!!

Continuing to keep you and your family in prayer. May the Lord let His grace and mercy fall fresh upon you in every new day. Blessings & Love, Deanna

Hillary said...

Thank you for your link up again today! I've really connected with some other ladies of loss. The extra support has been such a blessing!

I too feel like there is someone missing from our family. Even when I'm "counting kids" when we are out I feel the need to count one extra most times. I always feel as though I'm forgetting someone.

Lots of love to you today (and everyday :) friend. Prayers for your packing and I'm so sorry that you ran across the newborn box. :( After Caroline I just stuffed and hid away everyone I found so I didn't have to see them if I didn't want to.


Tara Pohlkotte said...

i hope you have a wonderful trip!! so sorry for this season of fresh pain. and boxes that sting already aching wounds. love to you all today!

Kristy said...

You are in my prayers. I know how hard this time is. I pray that this Bible conference will bring you some peace.

Hannah Rose said...

Much love, dear Tesha. I know you are hurting. I've missed you around the "blogging world." I hope this trip will be just what your family needs, making lots of sweet memories. <3

Elizabeth said...

Praying for you...lots of love!

Payton&Jake's Mommy said...

I feel your pain sweet friend. Still praying for you. Know that I too am struggling to live through the pain. (((Hugs))

Beth said...

I think you wrote this just for me: "I have not been blessed with any dreams of him other than when we first came home from the hospital, and those were nightmares."

The other night I had a nightmare about Eve, and the only dreams I've heard other BLMs mention that have their dead children in them always seem to be sweet and encouraging. I haven't had any such dreams, only nightmares when I dream about her at all. I considered asking about this on the Grief Journeys group, but was too afraid. Thanks for reassuring me that I'm not a terrible mama/monster/freak of nature.

Also, I'm sorry that it's been so rough on you. It's hard enough for me opening up Eve's things on purpose -- I can't imagine how I'd feel if I came upon them accidentally, as you did with Johnathan's things. :( BIG hugs, always.

L said...

I teared up reading about you finding the clothing and then your husband's dream. I'm sure it must be so very extra difficult right now, around the due date. Anniversaries are so hard. Do you feel sort of a conflict? I know your sweet boy wants you to be happy. But would you feel a bit strange about being completely joyful without him? That is a dilemma I feel at times about Lilly.

Koru Kate {Koru Wedding} said...

I hope you, your husband & your family find the moments of peace, comfort & grace outweigh the moments of sadness very soon. Hugs~

Trennia said...

Glad you all are going to the bible conference.Sounds exciting and something to look forward too.
I am sorry you are hurting :(
The dream sounds bittersweet,but like you I don't interpert dreams either.I hope you all have fun at the bible conference have safe travels.

Betty said...

I was once told by someone that when my arms ache and feel heavy it is because I am holding my little girl. My husband had dreams for our daughter often. I was jealous and began getting bitter becasue he was dreamin gof her. At times he'd say to me that he didn't want to wake up because he was so happy in the dream. I didn't start dreaming for her until about the one year mark. the first 6 months however were nightmare after nightmare. Once I faced the obstical inthe nightmare (in my case an unseen enity) the mightmares stopped and th dream began. THe dreams will come to you. ((hugs)) love, and prayers. I hope you have fun adn the Bible Conference.

Kelli Becton said...

Tesha - my heart aches for you - I can only imagine - I know you will push on through for your beautiful family - and I am glad you know that Johnathon is with Jesus - but one thing I do know is a mama's heart & I know there is nothing else that can fill that ache in your arms except the comfort of our Lord. I am praying right now that you will feel His presence - that you will heal as much as possible and feel joy knowing you will see Johnathon - this is not our real home after all. God bless sweet sister. Your family is truly beautiful - thank you for being such a good example to others during this time of great loss. I know there are so many who need the support you offer. :)

brigette said...

I am so, so sorry! Finding those clothes would be so, so tough! You are so strong and such an amazing mama! How sweet you are to put your kids first! Praying for you to have a peaceful week! Hugs mama

Ashley said...

Think of you and Jonathan often, I am sure "finding" those baby clothes was stuff. I sometimes will go look through Beck clothes, even though I know it is incredibly difficult :(

So lucky that your husband had a dream of your baby...I want to dream of my son and still haven't.


Stephanie said...

You bring back so many memories. It was a really long time before I had a dream about Bailey, and I've really only had probably three that I can remember in nearly 17yrs. She comes to me in other ways, in my waking times. Look for Jonathan there, he's with you, listen for him.

Don't rush yourself. You are so early into your journey. Believe me, as hard as it is, experiencing the pain helps you later on down the road. Deal with it so you don't have to revisit it later. Let it happen. It is your pain, own it, you feel it because you have lost love.

You are so loved by so many others and I really hope you can feel the prayers that lift you up during this difficult time.

Jennie said...

The due date is such a hard, hard time! I remember the crippling emotions from that time so clearly. The 'what-ifs' are horrible. I will be thinking of you and praying the peaceful days start coming more frequently for you.
I love the dream your husband had. I wish I had a dream of Teagan. Good luck with all your busyness! You are one busy lady.

Alida said...

I keep you in my prayers, dear one!!

blessings to you during this time,

Christine said...

Big tears reading this. I am so sorry Tesha. I too love the newborn stage and my heart hurts with you. I am praying right now, and will continue to pour it on this week, as you do so many tasks on so little emotional energy.

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

What a beautiful and heart-wrenching dream your husband was blessed with. That is quite a question, isn't it? These days are so hard, and your grief is still so fresh. You are not alone, dear sister. As I'm sure you can tell...there is much encouragement, and many broken hearts walking with you. It has been many years since my losses, but I still remember well the fresh sorrow you are walking in. I love the quote about God's grace enabling us to face the music, even when we don't like the tune. So true. And, that's where you are walking. In His grace...to music you never asked for or wanted. But, His grace is there. Carrying you.

Continued prayers, and much love...

Kasey @ TFOMplus2 said...

Thinking of you and thankful that you are using your grief to reach out to other women. Just seeing the number of posts linked up makes me realize how many hearts are hurting and missing their precious little ones!

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Of course Jonathan wants you to be happy. Our children always want to see us happy. What a beautiful dream and a sweet little message from Jonathan. Here is what came to me: He is in Heaven, he is living a perfect life with Jesus where there is no pain or sadness. It is beyond beautiful everywhere he looks. He can't imagine why you would be sad about that.
I can't imagine packing for everyone but I am so happy you are all going to the conference. Have a wonderful time. ((HUGS))

Denise Oldham said...

You have my constant love and prayers. Wish I were there to give you a great big hug.

DandelionBreeze said...

Thinking of you and know your pain in coming across newborn clothes.... I had to hide them after Gabrielle was born to not remind me of what might have been then came across them the other day. Hope your beautiful dream of him comes soon. Love to you always xoxo

Kim said...

I was getting worried about you the couple of days before you posted this! Then I got your email (although I haven't been on my blog either much) and felt much better to see you back. Although I am sorry you are hurting so much. It is so hard to see all of the baby stuff you are supposed to be using. Sometimes I want to throw it all in my car and get rid of it because I feel like it's never going to happen for me. It is literally almost impossible after 5 years and everything we have been through with miscarriage and the devastating of losing Reese and Scotlyn and a failed attempt at surrogacy (which I don't post on blog), to think that we will ever be able to have another baby. It's living with the every day grief and the unknown. Impossible at times. I hope you find more peace in the days ahead<3

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