Saturday, June 9, 2012

On the Road.

We are in Yuma Arizona. We left for Bible conference early to stop in Yuma for some cowboy sightseeing. Sadly Joseph has a high fever and I was up all night with him. So we rested in the room while the boys and my MIL went on some wild west adventures. The kids are loving pool time and eating out. 

`
Posing as inmates at Yuma Prison museum.



As we played in the pool I felt happier than I have since Jonathan died for a brief moment. I was aware of my smile and really feeling peaceful. 
  Then sadly I thought of what should be. Jonathan should be napping in his infant car seat as we play in the pool. I should of only been able to pack skirts instead of dresses because of nursing. I should have my little baby boy growing right before my eyes. Everything I do, I think of where Jonathan would be and what he should be doing. I know time will make this better, but it is sad to think of him like this and all that we are missing without him. 

I will do my best to focus on my kids and husband and enjoy them this week but is really hard to not think of what should of been. I am praying no one else gets sick and God speaks to me at the conference.

“A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” 
~Proverbs 16:9 

28 comments:

Elizabeth said...

I hope you have a wonderful time. Try to enjoy the good moments as much as you possibly can. You look absolutely beautiful-supermodel gorgeous!!

ccc said...

I hope that God speaks to you too at the conference--He knows just what to "say" to help us. It is hard not to think of what should have been--or rather, what should be. I catch myself doing it too.
The hotel pool looks fun, and I LOVE your bathing suit! Modest, yet cute--hard to find good ones.

Hope said...

Hugs xo

Jenn said...

I hope everyone stays healthy and that you all have a great time. Just so you don't feel alone, at almost 2 years out, I *still* think of what our everyday life would be like if Noah was here as a 22 month old. I picture him in different situations with us just like you described with Jonathon. (((hugs))) Praying!

Trennia said...

First of all thank you for your prayers for my daughter and family.
You are in my prayers and thoughts daily.As a babyloss momma, I want you to know it's okay to smile.I thought the first time I smiled or felt peace that I was a bad person/momma,but now I know it's okay and your not a bad momma.I love your photo's as always.You will be in my prayers xoxo.

Kristy said...

Praying for you. That you have peace and are able to enjoy your time with your family and hear Gods word.

Elisabeth said...

I do the same thing, at our church my friend had a baby girl 1 month after Luke's full term due date. It's a blessing to watch her grow up and sometimes it's a bittersweet reminder that my son would no longer be a baby anymore but a toddler.

With my daughter there were 3 of us due with babies in December she would have been the only girl. The other two were boys.

Sending you hugs.

Kallie said...

Try to have fun, and I hope that you feel some peace this week. And can I say that you look amazing after having 6 children :)

Christina said...

I saw a post of yours on Kate Krull's website. I am interested in the journey of other Christians. First of all, I am so sorry for your lost. I can't fathom what you or Kate have gone/is going through. You are such a beautiful lady on the outside and more importantly on the inside. We are a family of 6. At this time not planning on adding any more. I have a song for you called, "Hold On". There is a Christian singing group of sisters named "Eternity Focus". They are from Kansas. They wrote the song for a friend of their's that had cancer. They lost their mother this February and now sing it as a tribute to her. It is on itunes and Rhapsody. I hope that it lifts you up. God bless you!

SingerMamaMelody said...

I will pray that God gives you some more special moments on your trip where you can have pure joy and peace. I know what you mean about thinking of what should've been...I do that all the time too. I think the fact that we're past our due dates now and into the time period of what should've been it's even harder almost than the initial loss. But I'm asking God for hope for our futures.

And congratulations on your wedding anniversary! I loved seeing the photos of you and your sweet hubby. So glad that you have one another.

Love,
Melody

Nicole said...

Yay! Looks like a fun trip! Hope your little guy gets to feeling better super fast! Being sick an vacation is just wrong...and unfair!! :)

As far as feeling yourself finally smile, and a little lighter, only to have the weight of what you're missing hit you, I do that. Way more often than I'd like to admit. But I suppose it's just par for the course.

Sending hugs and prayers!

Tina said...

Oh Tesha, I am feeking for u! Hang in there girl, it will get better! I lost a little boy at 18 wks along, he was born alive, but being to young, he is safe in the arms of Jesus! When ever you feel sad and think of all the would have and should have beens, remember this beautiful picture: He is SAFE in the arms of Jesus!! Also remember God sees the big picture of why he need that little rose in heaven! Some day we both will Be able to ask HIM Why! Now is not the time, we must simply trust in his love and lean on Him to see us Through! HAng in there! It's been 8 yrs since my little rose bud Brent Matthew when to be with him. It gets easier, but they never are far away in our thoughts! The pain is not as bad!! Enjoying your blog!! Tina

Annmarie Pipa said...

wishing you an enjoyable and peaceful time with your family.

Caroline said...

{{{ Hugs }}} & praying for a wonderful time with family & a peaceful one.

Payton&Jake's Mommy said...

Tesha, you're always in my prayers. Hope your son feels better soon, so that you all can enjoy conference. The pool pictures are great and looks like so much fun. It's crazy how perfectly happy moments can turn sad so fast, I have them too. :(

Much love!
((( big hug)))

Jessica

Sherri said...

Whoo hooo for family road trips!
I feel like we are on 90% of the time...it's not quite that much...but it's a ton!
I'm from AZ...and we will be headed that way in July...the hottest part of the year! :( We will have fun staying inside to visit with the family!
I love the pictures....too much fun!
You look GORGEOUS!!!
Have a blast with all those kiddos!:)

Elle's mommy said...

I love that verse ... It is one God has given me over and over these past 10 months. I am praying for you Tesha, so sorry to hear that you grieving is being judged. Some people will never understand. Keep being vulnerable to the Lord and your family. God's grace is enough , he is mighty enough to save you from despair

Dr. Ann said...

Glad to read of the blessing of this family trip Tesha! It's exciting to think of how God's word may speak to you at the conference. It's so good that you took the time to go. And: happy anniversary!
Blessings,
Ann

Jennie said...

The 'what ifs' have been the hardest for me to deal with. They creep up and intrude on the happiest times. I'm sorry, I wish Jonathan was napping in the car seat also.

I will be praying for you, that you may receive peace and comfort. Thinking of you!

Ashley said...

Looks like a ton of fun!

I do the same thing. I will be happy and then think, "wait...Beckett would be doing..." and it makes everything a little harder. So sorry that you are dealing with this and missing your baby boy daily. I have no words of comfort but want you to know that I think of you and your family often and wish you peace as you cope with the loss of your son <3

Alecia said...

Sweet pictures. I hope you can rest and God will give you a special msg at your conference. Something that you know is just for you.
Hope you have a fun safe trip!!

Jill said...

how fun!! love the pictures! you have such a beautiful family (jonathan included) :)

brigette said...

I hope your trip is beautiful!! I totally get the happy and then the thinking about what should be. I'm sorry you know this pain. Big hugs man!!

Allison said...

Praying you all have a wonderful trip! You are a beautiful momma!

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Looks like they had some fun. Love the pictures. Look at you, you look so pretty. Glad you had a moment of smiles even if it was fleeting. Yes Jonathan should be with you. ((HUGS)) I am so sorry about the what if's, they will always weigh so heavy on your heart. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, praying for more smiles for you.

Denise Oldham said...

So glad to see your family having some fun. Praying for God to speak to you my friend in a big way, love you.

Kim said...

I'm glad you got a little peaceful moment in. It's such a different feeling to have those moments peeking through when everything has been such devastation in the recent months. You deserve those moments, but they are still few and far between at this point.

Kelly said...

How did your conference go Tesha? I've been thinking of you TODAY all afternoon. My heart goes out to you my friend!!! Treasuring my kids so much when I think of you. Hugs.

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