Wednesday, June 20, 2012

The Patience and Will to heal.

The sunset on Jonathan's Birthday

I feel the Lord beginning to work on me to patiently contend for healing. Meaning I must fight to overcome the darkness with his light, but not with a timetable in mind. For me there is a part of healing that is very scary.........The part that says if you heal Jonathan is really gone and forgotten. Of coarse this is not a conscious thought. I do not go around thinking.... I don't want to get better in fact the opposite. I do not deliberately try to not heal, it's just that part of me knows the deep pain means Jonathan is real and he is loved. My greatest fear or anxiety is that he would be dismissed or forgotten.

I have also struggled with the belief that others are ready for me to "move on" and heal. Last week I got the revelation that some of these feeling are my own expectations that I am putting on myself and projecting on others. Meaning I am really frustrated at myself for not healing quickly and I think that others are also. A wise friend told me one of my lesson in this trial is Patience........Patience to wait on God and HIS healing.

Know that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.
~James 1:3-4

Patience (or forbearing) is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation without acting on annoyance/anger in a negative way; or exhibiting forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties. 

Patience is easy when all is going my way.
 The true test of patience comes when my rights are violated and my feeling are hurt. It is when......

  • My friend makes an insensitive comment. 
  • My best intentions are misread and misunderstood. 
  • All attempts to hold it together melt into a flood of tears and emotions. 
  • The people that I think will never let me down, do. 
  • Judgments are passed on how I am doing and the choices I make. 
  • Jonathan's life is causally dismissed by someone I love. 
  • Someone that I am close to forgets to count Jonathan as my child. 

I have faced all of these things but I have certainly lacked calmness in some situations. In fact annoyance and anger have crept in many times. I see that the lessons of Jonathan's life are many. I am and will continue to grow through this in numerous ways. It is very humbling to do your growing and healing in front of others. As a Pastors wife there are not a lot of places to hide. People can see my struggle and trails. It is difficult to to find my words with others to express all that I am going through, it is much easier to write them on this blog. That is probably based on the fear that people will respond in a way that will hurt me and I will loose my cool or patience with them. 

Patience in affliction takes power, 

You are being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might, so that you might patiently endure everything with joy.
Colossians 1:11

I must trust God that he is strengthening me. Just like an athlete that can not see the results right away yet muscles and endurance are ever increasing.

Patience is also a form of action.  ~Auguste Rodin

Let us run with patience the race set before us 
~Hebrews 12:1
 The word translated "patience" in the verse means "endurance", My patience must be active not passive! As a Christian I must run the race of my healing with endurance and perseverance. Fully expecting Jesus to complete the good work he has begun. That means not getting annoyed when it takes longer than I think it should.

I am so thankful that the Lord is patient with me and that he is so much more tender and merciful than I am with myself .

But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. 
~Psalm 86:15

“Restlessness and impatience change nothing except our peace and joy. Peace does not dwell in outward things, but in the heart prepared to wait trustfully and quietly on Him who has all things safely in His hands.”
~ Elisabeth Elliot

The Lord is good for those who wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.
~Lamentations 3:25


Dr. Ann said...

Thank you for sharing your journey with us, Tesha. I see how God is leading you, and know that He is faithful in your life! I love the opening verse you gave us: "Be still before the Lord." What a balm for our souls, and for all the struggles we either face - or will eventually face.

Kallie said...

We all struggle with patience, in all life situations. I know that is one of my greatest weaknesses. Just continue to lean on us all in the blog community when you need a lending ear! I just melt when you have such beautiful pictures from the day your Jonathan was born!

Kristy said...

I love the picture of the sunset from his birthday, how special and beautiful. One ting I've learned during all of this is to have no expectations of others, this way, when they do something, it doesn't let me down. This may not be the right way to deal with it, but it allows me to be less disappointed in others when Grant is left out of our family by people I wouldn't expect that from. I have resolved to not forget him and so has Jonathan, I know a few other precious people in our life who will also not forget him and if everyone else chooses to that is their loss since he was a miracle from God.

Pamela said...

I agree, Tesha, that patience is important--especially your own. "Getting over it" without working through the grief will only cause it to surface at a later time. I totally understand your list of feelings hurt. I had each of these same things pain me. I was a pastor's wife when Sarah died and your grief is just sort of "out there" for everyone to see. This post gives me some specific things to pray for.

Praying for you...
With love,

Deanna said...

You are a precious soul.
Keeping you in prayer with love, Deanna

Hillary said...

Praying for your healing and endurance sweet friend!


Alecia said...

Patience-it's definitely a hard lesson to learn regardless of what kind of situation you are in. You have been stretched and grown through very difficult circumstances. Writing through it, maybe will give you the courage and insight to deal with people face to face. Praying for You!!

Denise said...

My friend, patience is something we all struggle with. I think you are handling everything beautifully. I love you, praying without ceasing for you.

Anonymous said...

I just found your blog, but wanted to thank you for your article in Above Rubies. It is nice that their magazine recognizes loss.

We just lost our 6th baby at 14 weeks. It's been not quite a month .... Our " people" issues were/are with extended family... UGH.. Tough stuff came up as a result of the miscarriage...Many people do not support large families. I have handled it by loving the worst of the offenders from a distance for awhile. :) This is giving me time to grieve without adding in more " people" problems. A few weeks ago, the Lord told me that I *can* and I will forgive, and that it will release me to walk in the Lord's blessing. Today will be the first test, as I will be seeing the person who hurt me the worst ( behind my back) for the first time.
I believe God can and will help me to fully forgive.

This grieving process is unique for everyone... I think that is what makes it hard to know how to support someone else in their time of need... Reading Psalm 103 and 27over and over have helped me. I am learning to identify my moments of weakness, and am using them to pray for the Lord's peace and or to read my bible. If I am in a slump, I turn on some hymns or other positive Christian music. In moments of weakness, I give my grief to the Lord.

Anyway, Tesha... there is more I'd love to chat about.. I have lots of questions...about large families and miscarriage... How common it is, etc... Anyway, I may shoot you an email sometime... but in the meantime I will keep you in my prayers.


Christina said...

Oh, Tesha. I am so sorry. One can really tell that you are in much pain. I am praying for you. Please remember, healing does not equal forgetting. I had to share my devotional book verse with you today.

Psalm 46:10
He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

I was thinking about you yesterday and thought to myself, "I don't personally know anyone that has lost a child." Then I remembered that my grandmother actually lost 3. (My grandmother died 3 years ago). She had a miscarriage, one baby that lived one week, and Bobby that drown between 2-4 years of age. I know that when I came into my granmother's life, it was MANY years after she had lost these children, but she never forgot. Especially, Bobby. She had guilt mixed in with grief over him. Even us grandchildren didn't forget. We also didn't count Bobby as one of her "living" children, not to hurt her, but like a census doesn't count the ones that have passed on. I promise that people don't intentionally leave Johnathan out to hurt you.

You know I also thought about King David this morning. He lost a child also. You know the story, so I won't tell it, but maybe HIS story can help you heal a little.

Most importantly, God will NEVER forget Jonathan, nor has HE forgotten you in your time of grieving.

The FATHER says, Do not be afraid, for I am with you. Jeremiah 1:8 (and several other veres).

May you find peace in God's everlasting arms. God Bless!

I'm Cindi... said...

I love His promise to make all things beautiful in His time. I know He'll do the same with your grief and fears. ((HUGS))!!!

Beth said...

Oh Tesha I deeply identify with so many things you wrote about here -- the fear that "healing" means forgetting Eve...projecting my own frustrations and expectations onto others...feeling that it's nearly impossible to put how I'm feeling/doing into verbal words, that it's so much easier to blog such things... Thanks for writing this. I needed it to hear it.

Lynn Proctor said...

i do know a bit of where you are--i had 5 children that were born with a severe disability--they have all since died from ages 17yrs to 21mos---i feel your pain and how hard it is when people cannot seem to meet our needs or even be kind sometimes---the Lord as you know, will be your closest friend and as in my case, sometimes my only friend--love and prayers<3

Kelly said...

Lamentations is one of my favorite verses Tesha. Thank you for sharing your heart with all of us. YOU encourage ME so much girl. SO much! I NEED people like you in my life! YOU are a blessing! I look at my little Julia right now and am so grateful.

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

Sweet Tesha...thank you for this post and for the wonderful scriptures you shared here. I remember well the early months of grief, feeling subconsciously that moving on and healing fully meant forgetting or not caring enough about my daughters. (I especially felt this way with Faith and Grace.) I remember feeling guilty for the moments when joy or a bit of laughter would slip out. Thinking "what kind of a mother laughs after burying her children?". There are no rule books or "how-tos" for navigating this road. I often wondered what was acceptable. I was so young...acceptable still mattered a great deal to me. Not so much anymore. After several months of the guilt, I remember one day, my son Timothy tugging at my arm to play with him. He was not 3 yet. And, it hit me. What kind of a mother doesn't laugh again after burying her children? It had to come in time, the readiness to tip toe back into embracing life and joy. You are not wrong for wanting to keep from moving past the pain or for wanting to heal. There is no right or wrong in this...there just is. And, we do the best we can, moms with a new reality. We mother those who are in heaven and those on earth the best we can, while leaning on Him. He is the Healer. All we can do is cling, breathe, put one foot in front of the other, do the next thing, and know that we are carried by the One who is able to restore and make all things new.

love and continued prayers for you, dear friend.

Stephanie said...

Thank you for all the patience references. I need those today especially!! Thank you for sharing your heart.

Gina @ Gigi Marie Photography said...

I think that you are in the right mindset- you want to heal, but that does not mean he is forgotten. In regards to the people close to you & the things they do or say- remember that they are not effected in the same way by his loss as you are. They can't fathom what you are going through. I'm sure they don't mean to be hurtful- although I know that doesn't make it any less painful for you & they probably think they are helping. It's hard for those who have never been through it to really understand. I'm not trying to dismiss the things they have done- but just sort of typing out loud so to speak.

Hugs my friend!

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Jonathan will never be forgotten. Your blog will always keep him in the present. Your heart will never let him go but I do understand how with time and healing you could feel that way. You most likely feel bad when you find a moment of happiness only to realize that you shouldn't feel any happiness, you must mourn your son. That isn't how grief works, it's okay to smile and laugh again. With deep sadness life must go on, this is how God inteneded it to be but don't ever feel rushed. There is no time frame, grief never leaves it just settles deeper withing your heart. Don't be frustrated with yourself. You are perfect in Gods eyes. ((HUGS))

The Moseleys said...

What a great reminder of how we are to live with others. I am convicted of my lack of patience with the hubby today. Praise the Lord for using sisters to speak to our heart.

Thanks for linking up with us today!!

A Lil Story said...

Beautiful post! I think that worrying our babies will be forgotten is one of the hardest parts of the grief process... Even 2 1/2 years later, I struggle with recognizing and honoring Evie as my daughter in Heaven while focusing on my three (almost 4) rambunctious boys here :) Patience and endurance definitely is a big part of it- I will say a prayer for you tonight as you are working through these feelings :)

Kim said...

I think you are getting into some confusing stages of grief. The beginning is cut and dry-it is horrid, awful, unimaginable, and full of so much pain. It's not that these days aren't, but a sliver of happiness creeps in, a shadow of your true self shows and it is confusing. You don't want to "move on" because it feels like you're leaving Jonathan behind, but you still have those constant intense emotions and feelings. You think that since you have had a good moment or two that those should be coming more regularly and even more frequent, but grief is SO unpredictable. It is about patience and listening to your true feelings and loving and hurting and it is all so overwhelming. What a beautiful sunset you captured on Jonathan's birthday, what a sweet sweet boy to send you such a breathtaking image<3 Hugs to you.

Sherri said...

As always your posts are heart felt!
Your amazing!

Ashley said...

This was just so hard to read. I have felt it all and sometimes still do. I still have moments where I have to fight the darkness but don't want to because then I am accepting that things cannot change. It took me along time to open my heart and mind that he isn't coming back no matter how hard I prayed or begged. Although, I still ask in my times of sorrow :(

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