The sunset on Jonathan's Birthday
I feel the Lord beginning to work on me to patiently contend for healing. Meaning I must fight to overcome the darkness with his light, but not with a timetable in mind. For me there is a part of healing that is very scary.........The part that says if you heal Jonathan is really gone and forgotten. Of coarse this is not a conscious thought. I do not go around thinking.... I don't want to get better in fact the opposite. I do not deliberately try to not heal, it's just that part of me knows the deep pain means Jonathan is real and he is loved. My greatest fear or anxiety is that he would be dismissed or forgotten.
I have also struggled with the belief that others are ready for me to "move on" and heal. Last week I got the revelation that some of these feeling are my own expectations that I am putting on myself and projecting on others. Meaning I am really frustrated at myself for not healing quickly and I think that others are also. A wise friend told me one of my lesson in this trial is Patience........Patience to wait on God and HIS healing.
Know that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.
Patience (or forbearing) is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation without acting on annoyance/anger in a negative way; or exhibiting forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties.
Patience is easy when all is going my way.
The true test of patience comes when my rights are violated and my feeling are hurt. It is when......
- My friend makes an insensitive comment.
- My best intentions are misread and misunderstood.
- All attempts to hold it together melt into a flood of tears and emotions.
- The people that I think will never let me down, do.
- Judgments are passed on how I am doing and the choices I make.
- Jonathan's life is causally dismissed by someone I love.
- Someone that I am close to forgets to count Jonathan as my child.
I have faced all of these things but I have certainly lacked calmness in some situations. In fact annoyance and anger have crept in many times. I see that the lessons of Jonathan's life are many. I am and will continue to grow through this in numerous ways. It is very humbling to do your growing and healing in front of others. As a Pastors wife there are not a lot of places to hide. People can see my struggle and trails. It is difficult to to find my words with others to express all that I am going through, it is much easier to write them on this blog. That is probably based on the fear that people will respond in a way that will hurt me and I will loose my cool or patience with them.
Patience in affliction takes power,
You are being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might, so that you might patiently endure everything with joy.
I must trust God that he is strengthening me. Just like an athlete that can not see the results right away yet muscles and endurance are ever increasing.
Patience is also a form of action. ~Auguste Rodin
Let us run with patience the race set before us
The word translated "patience" in the verse means "endurance", My patience must be active not passive! As a Christian I must run the race of my healing with endurance and perseverance. Fully expecting Jesus to complete the good work he has begun. That means not getting annoyed when it takes longer than I think it should.
I am so thankful that the Lord is patient with me and that he is so much more tender and merciful than I am with myself .
But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.
“Restlessness and impatience change nothing except our peace and joy. Peace does not dwell in outward things, but in the heart prepared to wait trustfully and quietly on Him who has all things safely in His hands.”
~ Elisabeth Elliot
The Lord is good for those who wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.