Tuesday, June 12, 2012

RECOVER? and Link-Up

Lately I have felt pressure to recover, move on, stop being sad.

When people ask me "How are you?", and I respond sad they say... "But it's better right?" Sometimes I say yes just so I do not have to say more. The last few weeks it has actually felt worse. I don't know why, but I do know that is not what everyone wants to hear.

I find myself trying to protect people or maybe myself, by not telling them how bad I feel. I wish this pain went in a straight line always improving, but it dose not. I get the feeling that others think I can control it, that I am choosing to be sad. That is like saying I choose to be a woman, I did not choose it, I just am. Of coarse I can choose how I respond to my emotions and try to do my best to handle it well. Sadly I do fail at this to often.

How I wish I could just choose Joy like I choose what is for dinner....it is not that simple.
I read this on my friend Holly's blog and it really spoke to me.

Recovery is a misleading and empty expectation. We recover from broken limbs, not amputations. Catastrophic loss by definition precludes recovery. It will transform us or destroy us, but it will never leave us the same. There is no going back to the past, which is gone forever, only going ahead to the future, which has yet to be discovered. Whatever the future is, it will, and must, include the pain of the past with it. Sorrow never entirely leaves the soul of those who have suffered a severe loss. If anything, it may keep going deeper. But this depth of sorrow is the sign of a healthy soul, not a sick soul. It does not have to be morbid and fatalistic. It is not something to escape but something to embrace. 

 Jesus said, 'Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.' Sorrow indicates that people who have suffered loss are living authentically in a world of misery, and it expresses the emotional anguish of people who feel pain for themselves or for others. Sorrow is noble and gracious. It enlarges the soul until the soul is capable of mourning and rejoicing simultaneously, of feeling the world's pain and hoping for the world's healing at the same time. However painful, sorrow is good for the soul. Deep sorrow often has the effect of stripping life of pretense, vanity, and waste. It forces us to ask basic questions about what is most important in life. Suffering can lead to a simpler life, less cluttered with nonessentials. It is wonderfully clarifying. That is why many people who suffer sudden and severe loss often become different people."

Jerry Sittser, A Grace Disguised

I am sad, I am struggling but I know my Jesus is with me. He will not leave or forsake me, He is changing me. This process is painful and slower than many others or myself would like. I am not alone....Jesus is here....helping me, loving me, shaping me.

Recovery? no  Regenerated...yes

re·gen·er·ate :
1. To reform spiritually or morally.
2. To form, construct, or create anew, 
especially in an improved state.
3. To give new life or energy to; revitalize.

 And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh and I will put my Spirit within you
~Ezekiel 36:26


Jenn said...

Oh Tesha, I completely understand!!!! I have even blogged about similar things when I was where you are right now. My grief got worse as well for quite awhile and unfortunately it stayed there as I processed everything on a deeper level. You are right, we do not choose to be sad, it just happens. Sadly, many people are often no understanding of this & think we can just snap out of it. Here is one of many posts I wrote on this topic, I hope it can help you some and for you to know you are NOT alone! http://treasuringlifesblessings.blogspot.com/2011/03/as-i-continue-on-this-journey-god-has.html
Continuing to uplift you in prayer my friend & remembering Jonathon along with you! ((hugs))

Jenn said...

And just to give you an idea, I wrote the above post 8 months after Noah died. This journey is not a sprint but a marathon with the finish line being the day we reach Heaven. You are right, we will never recover from the death of our babies, we will only be regenerated by the grace of God! <3

Elizabeth said...

I feel touches of the same way...there are new things to grieve every week as we reach more milestones, remember more details, and continue to be alive. I love Jenn's description of the marathon. May we all find lengthier/more refreshing water breaks along the run!

Kristy said...

I understand my friend. Praying for you, that you have strength to endure.

Laurie and company said...

You are not alone...someone in Indiana is praying for you, and crying right beside you.

much love in Christ,

Elle's mommy said...

Don't forget Tesha that grief is a dance. One full of Joy and one full of Sorrow. It is back and forth ever so gracefully. And just like someone said above me, each day brings about new revelations to grieve. It is now summer here and time for swimming, I am missing my girl so very much. She would've been so cute in her little swimsuit and sunglasses. I know it's so hard to be on this journey but Jesus is with you each day. I hope that remembering that Jonathan is with him gives your heart so much hope for the future. I am so sorry that others are not being sensitive, please know I am thinking of you and praying for you and your family...


The Kimmels said...

I understand! I think you read the post about when someone told me that I could CHOOSE when to stop hurting. I truly think that people are just uncomfortable with grief and they just want us to feel better. We know that that takes time. Our babies meant so much to it and there is no way that we can just "move on". Try to just keep being honest with people, your true friends will still be your friends even through it! :) Prayers and hugs!

Trennia said...

My dear friend no one can tell you how or when to heal,because we don't heal completely we just keep going and that's all we can really do.(((hugs))) thinking of you.

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Beth said...

Exactly right.

Have you read all of A Grace Disguised? I totally recommend it. I read it soon after Eve's death, and it has been so foundational for me in this grieving season.

Stephanie said...

I completely understand! You will turn a corner, the Lord is holding your hand, and He will lead you to happiness again. I don't really think you doubt that but don't be discouraged by the timing. Sometimes the sadness can take time and you are still so new to this. Be gentle on yourself and ignore those telling you what you should or shouldn't be doing.

brigette said...

Im so sorry!! You are doing AMAZING! Dont let anyone else tell you other wise. Follow your grief path, some days are easier, some days are 10x's worse just take each day one at a time. Thanks for your love and example!

Allison Renee said...

I am praying for you! It is true that we don't really heal from the loss of a child. We just learn how to live life in a different way. My in-laws lost their daughter suddenly at the age of five and they still morn and miss her...more than 30 years later.

I like the analogy of healing from a broken bone vs learning to do things differently after an amputation. That is very much how it feels to me.

May the Lord comfort you and give you unexplainable peace!

Denise said...

Beautiful words from a beautiful heart, love you.

Sherri said...

I am so sorry that you have to deal with other peoples opinions of how you should recover! First off ...if they have never lost a baby....they have NO business trying to guess how it feels! And 2nd...everyone responds and recovers differently! And that is okay!
I will pray for your happiness...it will come....time heals!

Debby@Just Breathe said...

I have not had your pain which as we know as parents is the worst one could ever live through. I have however had deep pain in my life and it changed me forever. I do like who I became but wished I could have found it a different way. I don't think you should hide your pain and I know woman who lost their precious babies over 30 years ago and they will still write posts like this one from time to time. There is no time frame to fit into. I believe those who ask you just want their hearts to feel better knowing your heart is better. They love you. ((HUGS))

Abigail's Mom said...

I feel the same way! Praying for you!

Christine said...

Beautiful post. There can never be enough of these posts, because so few understand. Praying for you on the road, for the practical things involved in traveling with small children, and for your broken heart that wants Jonathan to be along on the trip. I am so sorry!

Nan & Mike said...

Im sorry I missed this yesterday. I hope these messages make you feel a little better, and I hope the people in your life who truly know and love you read this blog and never have to understand this pain. Those who have not experienced it, will never 'get it' because its unconscionable to lose a child or children, but we hope they sympathize with us (just like our Debby :) does), and not ask us or make us feel we must move on. Love to you xoxoxo Nan

Julie said...

What an amazing website you have! I've been trying to follow and find how to contact you but hopefully this will do! We lost our baby, Piper Kay, stillborn after carrying her 9 months. God did a miraculous work in writing through me. He has done a great thing, more than I could have ever asked or imagined. My book, When God Called Piper Home, we published in April. My prayer and hearts cry is that this brings the hope of Christ Jesus in the midst of such pain and heartwrenching sadness. I knew that you have such a ministry with so many who have lost. I would LOVE for you to check it out, read the reviews, check out the trailer and if God pulls at your heart to share about it...please share with as many as you know so that in the darkest moments, families may find hope. It is on Amazon, B&N.com, Westbow Press, and e-version also. I PROMISE I'm not trying to advertise at all. I know you have connections that I don't yet...and again, this is the work of our Savior and my heart yearns to bring salvation through Piper's death. http://juliebrawner.authorsxpress.com/

In Christ and by His grace alone, sweet sister....Julie

Stephanie Hunter said...

Thanks so much for this post! I know what you mean, our grief and sorrow cannot be turned off whenever we choose but our healing will is gifted by our Father who has gifted us our sweet angels he is holding in his arms :)

You are such an inspiring woman and I really do appreciate your posts- they hit so close to home and help with my healing to know I am not alone in this wayward road of greif.

Opps i also messed up on my link up of my blog on your page- the photo came out so weird i am not even sure what it is- my blog is www.themeaningofwyatt.blogspot.com if you need to erase it and have try again posting it to your link up-

Thanks again and sending big Hugs your way!

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