Friday, June 1, 2012


This is a few days of emotions jumbled together in a very disorganized, rambling way. It might be a sloppy mess but so is my brain right now so it fits.
physically or mentally exhausted by hard work, exertion, strain, etc.; fatigued; tired: weary eyes; a weary brain.

I am very WEARY that is the first thing that comes to my mind. I am weary of feeling sad and tired. I want to feel better I want to sleep well and be lighthearted, I want to be back to the old me. I have experienced moments of embracing this new reality then I rail against it, wanting my old self back. At first I had so many physical things to deal with that I was kind of numb, then I panicked at how bad it felt now I am just really weary. I love writing but I do not feel like writing. I love reading but I do not feel like reading.

 I just wish there was a road map to lead the way. Better yet a Garmin telling me when to stop, go and turn around. If I only had help to navigate this grief would it be easier to get to the destination? What is my destination....because I will never be the same person I was before January 24th 2012? So how will I know when I have arrived?

After witting this I realized I very much do have a road map. First of coarse the Bible, it is filled with suffering and overcoming. Second all my fellow Baby loss moms, they are proof I will go on and get better. Lastly my destination is Heaven where all the wrongs will be right.

Overall this spot I am in right now feels rotten, I feel lost and alone. I know I am never alone I have wonderful family, friends and online support. The loneliness is hard to explain, it is deep. I think God brings us to these spots in our lives where nothing will satisfy us but his presence, it is a reminder that he has to be our all in all.

I find it so strange to be in social settings. I hear myself laugh and talk and I wonder.... who is that ? Where is the real me, why do I feel so alone? I am really a different person, I see the world differently. Last night we were in a social situation and a mom mentioned she was infertile, she had adopted 2 children. My heart was instantly opened to her. I HEARD her, really HEARD her! I am much more aware of the suffering of others. Honestly my whole life has been filled with trials and I would of said I have always been compassionate, but this compassion goes even deeper. I cry easily when I learn of others in distress, I feel their pain intimately.

Since Chasity (my cousin) was killed fear has gripped my heart. Life seems so fragile. It seems out of control like there is nothing we can do to prevent disaster. I feel panicked at times knowing suffering will touch our lives again, we are not immune. All I can do is give and receive comfort and hold on to the hope of Heaven when suffering will be no more.

The world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it.
~Helen Keller

Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.
~Matthew 11:28

Thank you, my friends, for all your prayers for our family!


Sara said...

So much of what you said was exactly how I was feeling those months after Samuel died... You are doing it friend, learning day by day how to live a life with one of your precious ones waiting for you in Heaven. You are stepping forward each little bit, moment, hour, day... keep pressing on... Keep leaning on us... Keep leaning into the Lord... He is carrying you through this weary time...

Pink Slippers said...

I love you Tesha.

Deanna said...

you're right, sweet friend. we are not immune, but we are secure.

stay in Him.

it was over two years before I knew I was 'out' ... free from the weariness, the ache in the bones, and the sorrow in the soul. Inside those times, I, like you, attended social events, yet feeling out of tune wondering what I was all about, what 'this' was all about ... and I also became very sensitive to those in suffering, willing to cry with them, willing to hold them. That is what I wanted to do, and I find myself still wanting to listen to hear the hurting.

For the believer, it's ironic how much strength there really is times of weakness.
(( But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” ))

Keep on in this hard place, for it is not in vain. Love, Deanna

The Anglin Family said...

I love what Deanna said above..and I am happy that you have Him while you are going through this, because I read some blogs and feel the despair and I know they need Him.
Please know this pain NEVER goes away. However, the weariness and the hopeless feeling do get better. I didnt get oout of bed some days and my kids fed themselves peanut butter and I would lock myself in the bathroom and cry..around the time I got pregnant with Sawyer, I had started to feel a little less hopeless, and I found out I was pregnant. I wont lie and say she hasnt helped my grief, because she has. Pain is still there, but I feel comfort in her and also knowing that my other kids need me whole, and not broken. I have develped a compassion for people I didnt know I had, especially for miscarriage, infertility, and stillbirth. My heart hurts for people and has led me to pray for people I wouldnt have thought about before. I am so thankful for friends I have made in the blog world who have understood me when I didnt feel like brushing my teeth and taking a shower was a hard task.
I am thinking about you and praying for you, sweet friend. Thanks for sharing all of your feelings..
This world is really a small one, my husband had called me to tell me about your cousin and I thought how sad then I read your blog and realized it was in Knoxville and thats what Scotty was telling me. He works there...I have been praying for your family as well. I am so so sorry.

Sammy and Missy Parris said...

I have felt and some days still feel that way. I have noticed in the past few weeks I am filling a bit better. I have a big family to take care of and they don't do well when I am down and out. They need me to manage and run the household. I have a job and I am called to do it. Don't get me wrong I still feel sad and I still question why but some days I am going to be and realize that I didn't have any searing pains of grief. What I miss now is knowing what would have been. I would have had a little baby to hold and love this summer. When I see my kids laughing and playing I have that deep empty feeling knowing that there should have been one more. One thing I try to do is stay really busy until I am just so sleepy I can't help but fall out. I don't need any empty time to let me mind wander. Praying you find some good sleep filled nights and I am SO sorry about your precious family member!! Love, Missy

Allison said...

Continuing to pray for you all! Praying for strenght and healing for you!

Sherri said...

Your absolutely right...the Lord is where we all have to turn for strength! I am so sorry it is so hard right now! I wish I lived closer, I could help with the daily grind! I could offer a hug...and an ear to hear! I am glad your blogging....the blog world is awesome..and friends are made that would never normally be able to be made..due to distance and time!
I will continue to pray for you!
Your comments always make me smile, it breaks my heart to think that your not smiling! :(

Abigail's Mom said...

I feel this way too! Still praying for you too!

Laurie and company said...

praying for you Tesha. Hang in there!
but just go with the you are.
Jonathan will never ever be forgotten. sweet boy <3

Hugs and much love,

Kristy said...

You said it so well. It is really odd to be surrounded by people that you love and still feel alone. I pray that you will continue to climb up out of this well of weariness. Love you sweet friend.

Beth said...

Sweet Tesha, you have put my journey since Eve died into the exact right words. I have railed, I am weary, nothing seems worth doing. And the awareness of life's fragility and the panic that comes with that awareness...oh I know that too well. I hate it.

I especially identify with every word that you wrote here: "I find it so strange to be in social settings. I hear myself laugh and talk and I wonder.... who is that ? Where is the real me, why do I feel so alone? I am really a different person, I see the world differently... I am much more aware of the suffering of others."

Perhaps that is one of the gifts of a vast, traumatic loss -- that we are now better equipped to come alongside our fellow sufferers. And really, isn't everyone suffering (and if they're not, unfortunately I now feel like every person's time will come)? Our babies' deaths have made us better able to give the support that we have [hopefully] been given ourselves in this horrible, weary time.

Big hugs, friend. You inspire me. I wish we could go have coffee together.

Jenn said...

Oh my friend how I can relate to EVERY word!!! You aren't the same person you were before Jonathan died, we all have changed since our babies died. It's a process trying to figure out this new normal. I still somedays struggle with social situations (lately I am again and just avoiding everyone). I also see things differently and feel things I never did before Noah died. I thank God for that added gift, to be able to come along side others and just be more aware and compassionate. (((hugs))) Tesha, Love you, just take one hour at a tine, one day at a time.

Kallie said...

You have been through so much lately and I'm so sorry for you friend! Keep on, keeping on! Much love is coming your way!

dejah said...

Tesha, you are so brave. Everything you have written here rings true to me and I wish I could just reach through my computer and give you the biggest hug.

You are right, life is so fragile. We have to take it day by day, and some days hurt so much, and make us question everything. But I know there is comfort to be had in Jesus. He will hold you!

Thinking of you, and praying for you, Tesha. xoxo

Rachel Rainer said...

I too can relate to this post (well pretty much all your posts). It took me a while to feel secure in the "new" me and I am still trying to figure it out. Social settings are so difficult at the beginning, so please know you aren't alone in that. I as well feel I am a much more compassionate person. I am thankful for that though and hope God will use me in that area. I feel He already has. I am continuing to pray for you and I think about you often.

Elisabeth said...

Tesha, I know all too well. I wish your sweet Jonathan could be with you but also I know how much fun he's having with my Luke and Adyn.I know it hurts to have these tragedies so close together.

I don't know if I've recommended this book to you before but another mommy who's 10 month old daughter went to heaven a few years ago recommended it to me. I got it a few months after losing Luke and brought it back out when we lost Adyn and my grandmother.

It's called the one year book of hope it's written by a woman whose two youngest of 3 children lost their battles with a genetic disorder, she and her husband run a retreat for couples who've lost children as well.

The book features one of my favorite verses in the bible: Psalm 30:5.

There's also someone who does a song based on Psalm 30:5 his name is Josh Wilson

continuing to pray for your family!

~VickB~ said...

Tesha. This "new life" we live is so full of ups and downs. We have definitely been feeling the same lately and it seems like our hearts are on the same page. This is hard. It's not fun and things like this can break people, but you know what? I don't think we'll be broken. Our lives were shattered and slowly but surely we've picked up the pieces. It's okay to be weary and living in a fog. Just remember to enjoy the moments when you do catch that glimpse of your old life. I don't want to sound cliche but Jonathan would want you to enjoy life. Just as if he were here. This is our newborn stage and if you step back and think about it, it's similar to the newborn stages we've experienced with our other children. We're tired, exhausted, worn out, emotional wrecks but it does get better. Tesha, you're a strong woman and how you feel is okay and normal. It may not be everyone's normal but it is part of our normal and well, as much as I hate to be a part of this family I am comforted to know that we are surrounded by other strong women who can help lift us up when we are feeling weak. Big Hugs, Tesha!

Piece-of-Cake Parent said...

I have been reading the Bible on my Iphone as part of a 365 plan. Last night was the beginning of Job and I couldn't bear to read it after learning of your cousin and what happened. I was guessing you would be feeling exactly as you wrote because you were already having a rough week.

My family is earnestly seeking God's grace for you and your family and your extended family.

Alida said...

I totally remember feeling this way...praying for you.

Christine said...

This is beautiful, Tesha, and so is your heart. My stillbirth baby (technically a miscarriage), Isaac, died twelve years ago, which is probably much longer than most of your commenters. I can still remember feeling everything you've mentioned here. The panic you feel about impending doom is something I've grappled with over the years, but it does go away. Only once in a while, when my husband deals with more traffic than usual and comes home a bit later, do I assume he got in a car accident and instantly died. For a few to several years after Isaac's death, I got used to assuming the worst. When you lose a child, you also lose your innocence. You learn to live for eternity, as you mention in your post. You learn to rise above the fray of today and enter the Lord's presence readily, knowing he will get you through.

I am praying for you. You always come to my mind several times a day. I pray for a smile, a hug, and for moments of wild grace.

Kim said...

I am so sorry for all of the pain you are experiencing. My heart is aching for you. I can feel your intense emotion and love for Jonathan. You will always be a different person than you were and live a "new" life. Walking in new shoes.

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in other's eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Somehow, someway working through those emotions gets you to a softer place. It takes time. Too much time and pain and heartache and even in that softer place, the pain is not invisible. Love lasts forever. Thinking of you dear friend and hoping for more light hearted moments for you.

Annmarie Pipa said...

everyone close to Jesus suffers...He suffered! who knows? maybe it is His way of revealing Himself to you, and asking you to trust in His plan for your life, not your plan for your life?

Wanda said...

Hi Tesha, this my first visit by way of Alida's. Whispered a prayer for you & your family. May you continue to cling to vine for from Him does all substance of life flow.

Lori said...

Praying you find rest Him, sweet Tesha. After losing Judah I felt in a fog for months and my fluctuating hormones didn't help anything. You are doing what you need to...leaning on Jesus and letting others know where you are...your journey will be/is a blessing to others. Your sharing of your dark days will help draw someone else to the Light.
Keep up the God work.

Ashley said...

Still thinking and praying for you and your family.

It is hard when we realize that we no longer (or never really had) control over our life. It was a hard lesson for me to learn. I figured nothing bad would ever happen to me as long as I am faithful and diligent with my child. That wasn't my life plan I guess.

I am so sorry that things are hard right. I have felt very alone these past 2 years because no one really understands unless they have lost a child. Sometimes my husband didn't even understand me. Very lonely road. Know that I am hear if you ever want to talk ((hugs))

Jennie said...

I love what you said about needing a Garmin to navigate this grief. I often wondered what exactly is 'healing'... anyways, you put it perfectly, just hold on until we make it home to our Father in Heaven and He can make it all right again.

I hope you can find some rest from the grief, it can be so extremely exhausting!

Daja said...

May the comfort of the Lord surround you tonight. My heart totally goes out to you. Kind of wish I knew you in real life. I'd invite you out for a cup of tea and a listening ear.

Since I don't know you, I'm asking the Lord to send that to you in His way.


Jennifer Ross said...

You have been heavy on my heart. I am still praying for you and your family....

Mrs. Howard said...

Oh Tesha, I'm so sorry for your heartache!!

proverbs31heart said...

I love you, Tesha! And I'm praying for you and your family. My heart ACHES for you right now! :(

Pamela said...

You are able to put into words your pain. Draws me back, makes me remember. Still praying for you.

Deanna said...

Just here to say "I'm thinking of you, and keeping you in prayer." Bless you sweet friend.

BlESSED are those who mourn for they shall be comforted. ~Jesus

Love in Christ, Deanna

SingerMamaMelody said...

Dear Tesha,

How I feel this weariness with you. I feel that way so much of the time as well. Continuing to pray for you and your family.


I'm Cindi... said...

Tesha, I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you and my heart is hurting for you. I can definitely relate to some of your fears and panic. Being a mom has brought so much anxiety over things I can't control and thoughts during the night about "What ifs?". I'm praying for you and long for you to find you again and heal enough to go on. Love always~

April said...

It's the being alone when you are surrounded by people that is impossible to explain unless you are living it. The feeling of emptiness when you have a family that you love and loves you back. The emptiness comes from what you have lost, it doesn't mean you aren't grateful for what you have. It's amazing how we can feel so alone and so empty when everyone else thinks that we are moving along just fine. We all feel the same way, thank you for saying it so well. xo xo

Betty said...

HUGS. After 3 years I still find myself weary of truly being happy. We will never be the people we were the day before we lost our little ones. At times, I will belt out a truely happy joyous laugh only to stop for fear of being happy. If that makes any sense. BUt anyway sending love and prayers to you.

DandelionBreeze said...

Life is so terribly fragile and precious... thinking of you and sending you love from afar xoxo

What Joy Is Mine said...

Tesha...Prayers are abundant for you! Much love and hugs.

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Sending my prayers and a million ((HUGS)). It is so easy to be broken by sadness and the fears of tragedy make us want to hide away. I have not walked in your shoes of grief but my heart is so heavy with your loss and all the loss I read about each day. I find myself crying here at my computer each day.

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

I love your heart. And, I love how honestly you share it here. Every word of this post resonates with me...and any mom who has walked this path. Weary happens. It happens a lot when you are carrying so much heavy hurt. I'm grateful you know the One to cling to...the only One big enough to carry the burden. And, I also know, that even when we're being carried, the hurt can still be so much.

I know what you mean about our own heart break teaching us to really HEAR others who are broken around us. I suppose that's one of the gifts...a taste of the beauty born from the ashes of our sorrow. There will be more beauty. So much beauty already oozes from you, dear friend. Thank you. You are a wonderful encouragement to the Baby loss community.

Love to you...

Denise Oldham said...

Sweet sis, climb up, and sit in your Father's lap. Stay there, and soak up His love and comfort for as long as you need. I love you.

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