I have not written in a while, but tonight the words can no longer stay in. Maybe it is the anniversary of Jonathan's birth, nine months today. Maybe its weariness from another negative test, maybe it's hormones, who knows but tonight I have to tell the truth.
My Jesus is not the same Jesus he was back when life was more roses than rain drops. How I saw him then and now is different.
The hard questions did not used to bother me. The ones like
If God is good Why......?I easily white washed these before and probably said something like, "Bad things happen but God is good"! with an encouraging voice and a twinkle in my eyes. Before I would of thought that was enough.
Deep pain has a way of changing things. Who did Jesus used to be? Did I create God in my own image? Did I make him into what I wanted him to be.... easy?
A soberness has settled into my heart. Jonathan dying did not rob me of joy but it made me sober to real life. Life where gut wrenching pain takes your breath away. I ache for those that ache in a new way. The pain of holding Jonathan took the numbness out of my soul.
True, I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death before, the death of two beloved irreplaceable father figures, my Papaw and my Father-in-love. Both of those were heartbreaking yet Jonathan almost broke me. WHY? I don't know, I certainly do not pretend to have the answer. Some experience far worse, and yet, do far better. In my life, for me, Jonathan's death has been my deepest, darkest pit.
Jesus your not the same, I know you never promised me a pain free life...forgive me for assuming and expecting it.
So who is Jesus now? He is not the one that died to make me happy as I heard one televangelist put it. He's did not suffer so I could have a trouble free perfect life. Yet he does promise me the hope of Heaven.
but what about...
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.
I am not the same and the Jesus I created in my image was not the Jesus of the Bible. Jesus never gave hallmark response to suffering he joined in with those that suffered. He took our suffering upon himself.
Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows
How many times have I made Jesus into my image instead of being made into his?
In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.
~1 Peter 1:6-7
I am not the same, therefor Jesus in me is not the same. This fire has refined me and has proven the genuineness of my faith to me!
Jesus I give you praise honor and glory not because you have keep me from sorrow but because you have carried me through and reveled yourself to and through me in my suffering.
Consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.