Monday, November 12, 2012

thank-FULL-ness

This last week has been so busy. We just finished Harvester Homecoming, our church conference where all the pioneer pastors return home to preach. What did God speak to me in fifteen sermons over five days? That I need to be FULL of Thanks! Instead of worry, doubt, sadness, insecurity, anxiety, fear, and the list could go on and on.

I have been struggling with thanksgiving lately. This is sad for me because I know God has already specifically told me to be thankful and concerning Jonathan, I have been. In June at our Bible conference I felt like I got the answer to my grief. It was to be thankful for Jonathan's life. I used to get up everyday and look at his little urn and such sadness would fill my heart, I almost could not bear it. Since my change of perspective I get up in the morning and look at the sweet picture of his precious face. I usually touch his cheek and whisper, "I am so thankful for you baby boy". However this thankful spirit has not translated to the other areas of my life.

I am regularly irritated that my house seems to be falling apart all around me. We put one thing back together only to have something else break. I have been so upset and often complaining that I am in pain due to some female issues. I have found myself worried and down right depressed that a rainbow is not on the horizon. If I can be full of thanks for Jonathan why do I struggle so much to be thankful in other areas?

Last Tuesday I was running around trying to get the kids clothes ready for our conference. I had a doctors appointment in the afternoon so my to do list was long. All of the sudden I heard a loud crash and a scream. It was the kind of sound that a mommy dreads. Right away I knew that something serious had happened.

 I rushed into the boys room to find Jadon shrieking in pain and blood running down his back. The light fixture had fallen off the ceiling and the glass had left a deep gash right over his spine. I knew immediately it was bad and quickly got him in the car and headed to the hospital. After seven stitches and X-rays to confirm he was OK we were on our way home. I rejoiced all the way signing songs of thanksgiving. I knew how much worse the outcome of that light falling could of been. To say I was full of thanks would have been an understatement.

Then a few short hours later my doctor gave me some news I did not want to hear. Quickly my thankful heart was gone. In the blink of an eye sadness and worry choked out thankfulness. Over the next few days as I listen to sermons they each seem to speak the same message to me. I really need to work on having a thankful heart in all areas.

I read One Thousand Gifts a while back and began my thankful journal. I quickly fizzled out and told myself I did not need to write it down, I would just say them in my head. Well I now see part of the gift is in the writing, so when dark days come there are many testimony's to carry me through. Today I will start my thankful list again. I can't not put all of them on my blog but I hope to do a thankful post once a week or so to recorded some of them here.

Thank you Lord for all these gifts!
  1. Sermons that convict and inspire.
  2. A little boy patched up with seven stitches.
  3. Your power to miraculously heal.
  4. Your wisdom to give me what is best even if it is not what I want.
  5. A visiting preacher that so encouraged and inspired my Oldest Son.
  6. My sweet Sister-in-law, mentioning Jonathan because she knows I love to hear his name.
  7. A husband that has put up with some serious complaining, and not complained about it :)
  8. The sweet sound of "I forgive you" whispered by my child.
  9. Laundry hammers overflowing from last weeks services, our drawers are empty but our hearts are full.
  10. The grace of a new day, a new chance to practice                            thank-FULL-ness.

The LORD is my strength and my shield; My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart exults, And with my song 
I shall thank Him.
~Psalm 28:7 

17 comments:

Denise said...

You have such a beautiful, thankful heart.

Christine said...

Thank the Lord for only stitches, although those are certainly not easy to endure for Momma or child. I hear your heart on the female issues and I will be praying.

When the kids are young and the floors are nearly always covered with what I call "debris", it is hard to be at peace and thankful. The thankful list does indeed help. Sometimes the sheer amount of time it takes to get the house back in some semblance of order after homeschooling, which in itself can be draining, makes me just want to cry. I hear you on about everything in this post, my friend. I will be remembering you in prayer!

Kristy said...

Thank you for this reminder. I'm working on this today.

Amy said...

We all need to be reminded to be thankFULL. So glad Jadon was okay!

Deanna said...

Dear Tesha,

Oh it's surely been a time for you over these past months. Hoping that soon (today) you'll begin to see the things that seem to be one after another let up and that the Lord will see fit to calm the storms --even if not physically, but for the inside of your heart and spirit.
I'm sorry you've been sort of bombarded with one thing after another -but, I just want to say that your transparency about it will be a bitter-sweet blessing to those who may find themselves relating and to witness your heart for Jesus.

...
Can I ask a personal question? A question that I need not nor desire an answer to or to have you answer here on your blog. A question for you own heart to ponder. ... Are you able to list a few reasons why your heart is longing for a rainbow baby? ... Only reason I ask is because my own sorrow while I delt with secondary infertility. ... While I absolutely LOVE being a mommy ... somewhere in my heart of hearts I felt that the only way I could forgive myself for what I did would be finally wrapped up by me having another sweet little bitty baby:) ... There's so much more to my story here. But, for some reason it has been through this trial of mine that I really, really learned the goodness of our Lord.
I hope you might not find offense in my question ... oh I hope not. And I am always for more babies:)) Babies, children, family I love it!!! and I even have for love for it -with a cheerful & glad heart to the One, the giver of Life, because of the trial I've suffered. But again, unless the Lord has other plans (for anybody) I am always rooting for more babies!!!

Love, Deanna

Allison said...

So glad Jadon is okay. You have certainly had a busy week. Hope you have a restful and full of wonderful blessings week this week!

Mrs. Howard said...

Oh Tesha...your honesty...your heart...your spirit. It's inspiring. I'm praying for you, my friend. I can only imagine how hard it is to be thankful amidst heartache.

Anonymous said...

I am thankful for Jonathan's life.

And I will continue to pray for the addition of another J to your family soon. Or maybe even another S :-)

In Christ,
Rachel from Alabama

Kallie said...

May the lord heal you in these rough times. It is definitely hard to be thankful when you have so much heartache but the lord is guiding you and will follow with you as you heal! God bless!

Trennia Hedges said...

So glad Jadon was/is okay.I am sorry about all your going through and dealing with...my heart and prayers go out to you.I try to think about other's when I feel I can not bare another moment of this pain,the worry of everything around me...I start thinking someone out there is having it harder then I am.(((hugs))) keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.I hope the news from the dr. you got changes to a better outcome soon.

brigette said...

I like your thankful list I need to do this!! Praying that things look up for you soon!!!

Sara said...

Beautifully written friend... Oh wow, I am praising God with you that Jadon was not more seriously hurt. That had to be so scary... Tesha, I totally understand that longing for a rainbow... Praying for the Lord to give you the desires of your heart and for His will to be done:) Praying for you...

What Joy Is Mine said...

Tesha...keep writing in that journal even when it seems unnecessary or too much. Even the "ugly-beautifuls". You're lifted up in prayer sweet friend. Huge hugs to you.

Tani stevenson said...

I'm so sorry about what happened to Jason! There is nothing worse in the world to a mother than her children getting hurt, but I am so glad he is ok! Hang in there! You can have a grateful heart even when things are hard!

Deanna said...

Good Morning Tesah:)

I was just 'out' visiting blog land and wondered about ya'.

Blessings to you and your beautiful family, and
Happy Thanks Giving!!!
With Love, Deanna

Ashley said...

Oh my goodness Tesha - so sad that I haven't been such a good support lately. It is hard experiencing the holiday season the first time and knowing that a family holiday is this week I'm sure reminds you of the same things I am reminded of - know that Jonathan will be with you, I'm sure of it. Probably holding your hand and trying to tell you that everything will be okay.

Be gentle on yourself this week - it is okay to be upset and not so Thankful that your baby isn't hear. You need to feel those feelings to be able to show appreciation for everything that you do have in you life. If you need to take time for yourself on Thursday to just mourn for your son do that...know that I will be thinking and praying for you. I have thought a lot about you lately.

I am so sorry regarding your other son - how scary. Glad that he is okay!!

Catherine said...

I hope Jadon is feeling better. Your list of gifts brought a smile to my face, but I'm so sorry to hear about your bad news. Keeping you in my prayers <3

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