Monday, April 30, 2012

Leaning on the everlasting arms.

We have been married 15 years, I am not shy to say the first 5 were hell. I was really young and he was  really a backslider. I got saved right after our first son was born. It took my husband about 3 more years to turn over his life to God. Well he obviously got radical for Jesus because now he is a Pastor. After that first 5 years every thing got so much better, we learned how to communicate and basically be less selfish.

When Jonathan went to heaven we knew it would be difficult on us. In the beginning, there was a kind of honeymoon period....we both had just suffered a great loss. We connected on a deep intimate level, taking care of each other. Knowing looks from across a room that said, I know your hurting also. Holding each other all night, waking up crying. Then grief got messy, anger and hurt feeling's began to take root. I would say Jonathan dying has put a lot of stress on our marriage, mostly because of me. Jimmy (my husband) is so strong I know that I lean on him TOO much, when I should go to Jesus first. I would love to tell you that we have soared through this storm with out any turbulence but it is not true. I only remember one other time we struggled this much, when my Papaw (like my dad) died. I am going to tell you the truth, I am a real grouch in my grief. I am so used to being happy and upbeat, these emotions have really taken me by surprise.

There are two main reasons I see as why we have experienced turbulence. One ...we are really different, he is quite and private and I'm not. I mean think about it, I am writing about my marriage to anyone who wants to read. LOL So he is quiet in his grief and I am ...well...loud. I want to talk only about Jonathan or my emotions 24/7 and he wants to talk about lots of things. He finally got the revelation that I need to hear him speak about  Jonathan everyday. Even though Jimmy thinks about Jonathan everyday I don't know it if he doesn't tell me. So now he is sure to remember to tell me what he thought about Jonathan. Grief makes us very self-centered at the exact time we need each other the most. We both have to recognize where we fall short and make an effort to change.

The second problem is, I really want Jimmy to fix me. I know that sounds silly even as I write it I realize how ridiculous it is, but it's true. I have even said to him, "Please make the pain go away". Jimmy is very capable of praying for me but he does not posses the power to relieve the pain. That is reserved for my savior Jesus. I know that God has allowed me to feel incomplete when I lean on Jimmy, so I will ultimately lean on him.

Only Jesus can bring the peace and comfort I desire, unfortunately I have demand my husband to ease the pain many times. This really frustrates him because he really wants to "fix" me. However there is no fixing something that is shattered. Jesus is taking these shattered pieces  and creating someone new. I will never be the same. Everyone that has suffered great lost is changed by it. So my question to myself is.... Will I let the shattered pieces be put back together by a loving savior? Will the Mosaic of my life be even prettier, stronger and serve a more powerful purpose? I believe the answer is YES, I will be better because of Jonathan.  

I also believe our marriage will be better and stronger. We have learned so much about each other. When I am really frustrated at Jimmy because I feel like he is not meeting my need I try to remember January 24 (Jonathan's birthday). The hours we spent with Jonathan were some of the most intimate we have ever known. We both knew that we needed each other. In the weeks after Jonathan died I fell in love with the song, Smallest and Wingless. The reason I loved it was because of the line. "We closed the curtain, held each, other and cried" That was so true, No one felt or understood like we did, that night and in the days after.  Yes there have been some very rough, rocky patches, I am sure there will be more, but Jesus is helping us and growing us.

Thank you Jesus for my husband that you have given us each other to lighten this heavy load. I know only you can heal my broken heart, help me to remember to hand theses broken pieces to you , not Jimmy. I know all the pieces looks like an overwhelming project to him...but you see a canvas to create a masterpiece.  Lord thank you that your arms are strong enough to lift any burden. Help us and lean on and love each other and most of all to lean on and Love you.


A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers. Robert Quillen

“Love is not self seeking, it’s not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrong.” (1 Corinthians 13:5 )


If you want to listen pause the music at the bottom first


Saturday, April 28, 2012

Photography

I have loved photography for years and took classes at a local college in my early twenties. I started taking pictures for family's in our church and then I got a few other clients that I would take regular portraits of. These days I do not shoot very much. After all I am a little busy homeschooling 5 kids. However every spring I do the senior pictures for our church's high school. 

SO here are my favorites from this year.
FUNNY


Friday, April 27, 2012

The things I make

I love to sew and make lots of different crafts. I have wanted to start some new projects but I have been pretty down in the dumps this week. I have not made anything since Jonathan went to Heaven. I thought taking some pictures of things I have made might get me excited to start again. I am a pretty crafty girl, I love to sew and create. I really love to make baby blankets, so here are a few items I have made. 


I made this for Shayla to wear at her first birthday party. I had looked at them online and they were Fifty dollars so I thought I can make one. Now I know why they are expensive it took a while to make. LOL



I love to decorate frames Mod Podge is my  friend :)
The picture is of Shayla and her cousin Anna and all my babies from childhood



  I got this baby bed at a yard sale for five dollars, then I made a mattress blanket and canopy for it.

Baby blanks my favorite!

These two are extra special blankets. I made them both when Joseph was born and decided to not use the little one. I would have to say it was a small miracle. When I learned that Jonathan was in heaven I had not finished his quilt, I was working on. I remembered the miniature matching blanket that I had put away. I was so happy that Jonathan's blanket matched Joseph's because I was calling them my Irish twins since they were so close in age.

If your in the market for tutu or bows check out my friend Kallie's blog she make AMAZING pretty things.
 There is nothing better for a man, than that he should eat and drink, and that he should make his soul enjoy good in his labour. This also I saw, that it was from the hand of God.
~Ecc 2:24

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Misery into Ministry

The world is full of suffering, 
it is also full of overcoming it.
 --Helen Keller
I got this from Shauna she started  Pinwheels from heaven in honor of her Angels Janessa and Hope. 



PinWheels from heaven

Here are some other mommies that have turned 
misery into ministry

Writing on The Wall
stillbirthday
These are just a  few examples I know many, many more.
All of these sites are started by mommies that have known great loss and used it to turn misery into ministry. They have chosen to honor there child's life by serving others in love. They have walked the deep dark path of heartache, all of these ladies have said goodbye to a child. I don't really know what my ministry will be yet... possibly just encouragement and prayer. I keep a journal of all the mommies that need prayer with their Angels name, so I can remember to pray for them. No it is not fancy, never the less needed. 


The most beautiful people are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” ~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross


Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 
~2 Corinthians 1: 3-4


Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Wordless Wednesday with a few words

What the heck is that????
Isn't that STINKIN hilarious

brotherly love even when it stinks!



Matthew 23:11 
"But the greatest among you shall be your servant.



Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.
 Romans 12:10 quotes  

Missing our baby brother ((((Jonathan))))

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