Wednesday, January 16, 2013

A Jonathan Shaped Spot In My Heart.

Yesterday I sat in the room where it was confirmed that Jonathan had gone to Heaven, it was also the room where they gave me pill that would begin to induce labor. I did not cry but there was a lump in my throat the whole time, I talked myself through each moment taking deep breaths. A few hours later the tears came and I was afraid they would not stop. They did stop and I felt the prayers of  those that love me comforting me.

How I wish I was in that room because we were expecting our rainbow baby but I was there to have a conformation diagnosis of endometriosis. There will be no rainbow baby for a while. I feel sad, yet I fully believe that God is in control. He has a plan for our family, I might not like it but I trust him.

I have to ask myself..... why do I desire a rainbow baby so badly? I said this to my SIL and she wisely said "You have love in your heart that you were unable to give Jonathan" My favorite song after I had Jonathan was Smallest and Wingless. There is a line in that says, "Sadness is just love wasted, no little heart to place it inside." I have given all of my heart to Jonathan and poured love out on him in various ways, yet it is not the same as if he were here.

Whether or not I ever have another baby, there will always be a Jonathan shaped spot in my heart.

Craig Cardiff - Smallest Wingless

Dear Son we've been waiting for you.
thrilled, beside ourselves you've arrived.
white coats came in heads held low.
talked for a bit, shuffled outside.

we closed the curtains, held each other and cried.
said hello at the same time we said goodbye.

smallest and wingless
leaving as soon as you arrived.
sadness is just love wasted
with no little heart to place it inside.

we closed the curtains held each other and cried.
said hello at the same time we said goodbye

My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever
~Psalm 73:26


~Nicole~ said...

Oh Tesha... my heart aches for you today. For knowing the pain of loss... for understanding what it feels like to want a rainbow baby so badly and yet have it feel like it's impossible. Your Jonathan shaped spot will always be with you. I really hope and trust that this next part of your journey leads you to what your heart desires most.

Kyla said...


Elizabeth said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Hugs!

Hillary said...

Prayers for you and blessings upon you! I'm so sorry to hear about your recent diagnosis. :( I know what it feels like to have that hope and need in your heart for another little one. God willing he sends another little one to you sooner rather than later. Lots of love to you, your family and dear Jonathan.


Kristy said...

I'm so so sorry. Praying for you as I know this time is hard and the desire for a rainbow baby is strong.

Christine said...

My heart is aching so much, for I remember how much healing came with my next pregnancy after losing Isaac. I pray that God will expand your family as much as your hearts will let him, and I pray that the wait is not long. I know you trust him and you are waiting on him. I think big families are so beautiful and so perfect for growing us in Christ. So few people see with open eyes the blessing of every baby and of a large family. When Christians allow God to expand their families as he wills, so much glory goes to our Father. You are so willing to love on and on and my heart hopes the Lord blesses you continually with many more pregnancies.

I can't find your e-mail address here, but please e-mail at this address when you are feeling up to it. The one on my blog is giving me trouble--this one is better:

Love you, Tesha!

The Heart's Hunger said...

The words of your SIL gave me sweet chills. What a precious thought of comfort.
You are a dear mommy, a dear mommy to all your children.

Hoping the endometrious comes to a place under control and bares no pain.

Remembering that God does miracles every day, all day long... knowing that God's will- will be done for you:)
Blessings & Love, Deanna

Katie said...

Tesha, love what your SIL said. So true! Don't give up. Love you, friend!

Shannon said...

I'm believing, along with God, that for you and I, we will someday have our rainbow baby. :) Hugs

Rachel Rainer said...

Praying for you Tesha. So sorry about your news.

Elisabeth said...

Tesha, How I've been praying that we would be come pregnant with our rainbow babies. I'll be praying about your endo.

PCOS is our issue. 2013 marks the 7th year we've been ttc. While we have become pregnant with two babies in that time God decided that he needed a little boy and a little girl from our family to join him in heaven. Sometimes that is hard for me to be ok with. But I know he is caring for them far better than I ever could but I am still sad because I miss them so much and the life I had planned for us after I found out I was carrying them.

I've been seeing my doctor who helped us become pregnant with Luke. Hopefully that means we'll have some idea of what we're going to try next.

Two weeks ago my husband and I nearly joined them in Heaven. We planned on going to the movies and doing some shopping. Since he works nights his schedule is crazy. We got about 2-3 miles from town and were in the country. Our town is surrounded by farms and country on all four sides. So going to a store other than walmart is at least a 16 mile round trip depending on the town.

I had unbuckled my seatbelt to reach something in the floor (I can't remember what it was now) we reached the drugstore that's about 2 miles from our house. Something told me to put my seatbelt back on. I know it was God.

not even a mile late our car hit a patch of ice. It made it slide into another lane and Dan turned the wheel to get back in our lane. We hit more ice and slid into a ditch. My side took the first hit. We started rolling. Glass was breaking everywhere, the driver's window was completely broken and my side of the windshield was broken and protruding in. We rolled twice. After the first I prayed the second would be our last and I know God stopped it from rolling and we landed on our tires. There was mud all over me and glass was in my mouth. I didn't scream. It was so scary.

I know God spared us for a reason.

We walked away from the crash with minor injuries. I had a football sized severe bruise on my right leg. Still sore.

Our car was totalled. We have medical bills still from our three hospitalizations that we're paying for. And we have to replace our car. Stress is at an all time high.

Beth said...

Endometriosis! I'm so sorry, friend.

Denise said...

Much love, and many prayers to you.

Kim said...

Tesha, I am so sorry for your recent news. I know that intense feeling of wanting another child and feeling like it may never happen. I have been thinking about you a lot. Sending you lots of peace and hoping something magical happens for you soon.

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Yes God does have a plan and I know how much he loves you. I do like your sisters answer as to why.

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