Thursday, January 24, 2013

Happy Birthday Jonathan!

I have written many letters to Jonathan for his birthday, some seem to light and some seem to heavy. I feel they all fall short of conveying the great love I have for him and the impact he has made on my life. If I could pour my heart out into a computer or a journal, it still would not be enough. Jonathan is worth so much more than words and mine are inadequate to express my love for him. Do not read this but hear it.... feel it.... a mothers heart, clinging to and crying for her beloved son Jonathan

Dear Jonathan,

Today is your birthday little boy. I am so very thankful for the 19 weeks I carried you in my tummy and the hours I held you in my arms here on earth. From the moment I knew of you, I loved you! I dreamed of you, I planed for you, I prepared for you. There is no truth in you being wanted any less because you were sixth in line. Quite the opposite at 32 and with five others under my feet I know full well what your life would mean. A tiny face peeking out of a warm blanket, kisses on a little nose, Cuddled up sleeping on the couch, nursing you warmly next to me, brothers and sister tugging at your sweetness to get a peek, late nights just the two of us in the rocking chair....that quiet place were love is all we feel.

Then days would turn to weeks and you would be cooing and blowing bubbles. How I missed you being passed around to the big brothers and sister as they proudly show you off. How I wish I could see your first step or silly face the first time you taste carrots. 

All these little things can be taken for granted, Oh what I would do to have just a few of these experiences with you.....

Late night nursing propped up on fluffy pink pillows with my precious little one cuddled on my chest. We have missed the rolling and scooting, we have misses the walking and the cooing. We have missed first words, first baths and first trips to the beach.  We have missed diaper changes and wrestling on the carpet, We have missed Shayla rocking you and Joseph beating you up:) We have miss all that you are and all that you would become.  

We did not just lose a baby, we lost a son, a brother, a friend, and a lifetime of memories when you made your early departure. I trust that God knows full well what he is doing. You life most certainly did have a good plan. It is beige fulfilled even now, you live in heaven and in my heart. You live in me because you reminded me to be tender to the broken and love the lonely. You live in me because I carry you with me wherever I go. I talk of you often and tell your story to all that will listen. 

You are my special boy and I will always feel deeply connected to you. How I will rejoice on the day we meet again. You have all of my heart I do not fear it being broken because broken it has been, yet Jesus has healed it. No amount of time on this earth will take you from me, I will always love and cherish you. Jonathan you will always have my heart and all of my love. I have missed you for 365 days and today we are one year close to being together again.

Love, your Mommy

A few special first moments we have missed this year with Jonathan (Pictures provided by brothers and sister)

First cuddles at home in bed
First diaper change
First trip to church
First time to be held by a brother or sister
First time you kiss daddy
First baby portraits
First bath
First Easter
First time wrestling
First trip to Tenn.
First outing
First Christmas
First bath with sibling
First Halloween
First time swinging
First tummy time
First fourth of July
First foods
First meal in highchair
First smile
First time hiking 
First steps
First time standing
First time in the ocean 
First family portraits
First Birthday cake
Jonathan, I see you in all these these pictures. All we have missed and all that God will someday restore.

I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten. You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied, and praise the name of the Lord your God, who has dealt wondrously with you.
 ~Joel 2:25-26

I grieve for you, Jonathan my brother; you were very dear to me. Your love for me was wonderful

~2 Samuel 1:26


Christine said...

Beautiful, Tesha.

Elle's mommy said...

Happy heavenly Birthday to your sweet boy...thinking of you and yours today...

Shannon said...

That was beautiful Tesha.
I felt your heart.
Happy Birthday Jonathan.
You are so loved.
Psalm 139: 13-16

Shauna said...

((Hugs)) <3

Catherine said...

Thinking of you and Jonathan today <3 <3 <3

Kallie said...

Thinking of you today, sweet friend! Happy birthday jonathan!

Kathy said...

So beautifully written, Tesha. You amaze me. You are such an incredible woman of God, wife and mother. Praying for you today. Happy Birthday, Jonathan! Love you my friend!

The Kimmels said...

Happy Birthday sweet boy. You must be having QUITE the party up there in heaven!

Debby@Just Breathe said...

What a beautiful letter to your precious son Jonathan. ((HUGS))
Happy Birthday Jonathan!

Mrs. Howard said...

Oh Happy Birthday, sweet, sweet boy!! Tesha, you are such a sweet, strong mom!!

Kyla said...

Happy Birthday Jonathan!

brigette said...

You write so beautifully I wish I could also. You are an amazing mama. Happy birthday sweet jonathan!

Rachel Rainer said...

I have thought about you today. Hope your day has been peaceful and the Lord has shown you so much grace to get through the day. Happy Birthday Jonathan!

Stefanie Miller said...

Happy Birthday, sweet Jonathan! I hope today was gentle on you!

Holly said...

happy birthday wishes ♥

Kim said...

Happy Birthday sweet boy. Your mommy loves you sooo much! I know my girls are up there giving you all their love. Tesha-I know how hard it is to look back at your childrens' lives and see everything you've missed in your sweet baby. Heartwrenching. Wishing you lots of peace and love.

Denise said...

Beautifully heart touching.

Kim said...

Happy Birthday Jonathan!

trennia said...

Happy Birthday Jonathan!
Beautiful post, Tesha. (((HUGS)))

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