This time last year I was packing my bag for my induction to take place tomorrow. I had spent the day in the hospital where it was confirmed that our baby boy had gone to Heaven.
This has been an extremely busy week for us. My husband has been preaching a revival and I joined him for all the services but one. At first I was a little bummed that I did not have more time for reflection as Jonathan's birthday approached but now I realized it saved me the dreaded anticipation of when He died. I have not felt major anxiety over his birthday, however I did feel overwhelmed thinking about the day he left us. I think it is only natural to wondered if he suffered and what I was doing the moment his spirit slipped into Heaven.
Looking back I did notice a major decree in his kicks in the days leading up to my doctors appointment, where I heard "no heartbeat". I was worried and drank juice several times to stimulate him. I though his lack of movement was because I was very sick. When the doctor began to listen to his heartbeat we both felt a very big bump in my tummy. I thought it was a big kick or him turning over, it was really his little body being pushed from the probe. Sometimes thinking of that moment will instantly make me cry. When they sent me to the hospital I fully expected him to be OK. Even the next morning before the induction I made them do another ultrasound to make sure he was really gone. I was convinced I had felt him moving.
There are moments it seems likes yesterday and moments it seems like a lifetime has gone by.
As I sit here alone tonight I feel sad, but I also feel peaceful. Don't get me wrong I have experienced some true anxiety and sadness this week, but right now I feel the prayers of those that love me carrying me through. I am praying and trying to keep my expectation low for Jonathan's birthday. We are planing to release some balloons at the beach, have cake and watch his slideshow together as a family. I guess I just really do not want to expect people to remember, so then I am not let down. I have already received a few messages of love and prayers and I am so thankful for that. Most of all I am thankful for Jesus and his unending love.
No, I will not abandon you or leave you as orphans in the storm-I will come to you.