Wednesday, January 23, 2013

The Day Before Jonathan's Day

This time last year I was packing my bag for my induction to take place tomorrow. I had spent the day in the hospital where it was confirmed that our baby boy had gone to Heaven.

This has been an extremely busy week for us. My husband has been preaching a revival and I joined him for all the services but one. At first I was a little bummed that I did not have more time for reflection as Jonathan's birthday approached but now I realized it saved me the dreaded anticipation of when He died. I have not felt major anxiety over his birthday, however I did feel overwhelmed thinking about the day he left us. I think it is only natural to wondered if he suffered and what I was doing the moment his spirit slipped into Heaven.

Looking back I did notice a major decree in his kicks in the days leading up to my doctors appointment, where I heard "no heartbeat". I was worried and drank juice several times to stimulate him. I though his lack of movement was because I was very sick. When the doctor began to listen to his heartbeat we both felt a very big bump in my tummy. I thought it was a big kick or him turning over, it was really his little body being pushed from the probe. Sometimes thinking of that moment will instantly make me cry. When they sent me to the hospital I fully expected him to be OK. Even the next morning before the induction I made them do another ultrasound to make sure he was really gone. I was convinced I had felt him moving. 

There are moments it seems likes yesterday and moments it seems like a lifetime has gone by.

As I sit here alone tonight I feel sad, but I also feel peaceful. Don't get me wrong I have experienced some true anxiety and sadness this week, but right now I feel the prayers of those that love me carrying me through. I am praying and trying to keep my expectation low for Jonathan's birthday. We are planing to release some balloons at the beach, have cake and watch his slideshow together as a family. I guess I just really do not want to expect people to remember, so then I am not let down. I have already received a few messages of love and prayers and I am so thankful for that. Most of all I am thankful for Jesus and his unending love.

No, I will not abandon you or leave you as orphans in the storm-I will come to you.
~John 14:18 


Denise said...

Saying prayers for you.

Shannon said...

I know today is a hard day for you. I'll be thinking of you today. Sending prayers your way.

Christine said...

Tesha, I will be praying for you and remembering you all day and into tomorrow, knowing that so many emotions will grip you. I am so sorry for the depth of the pain, and for the intense sadness of the hospital memories. My induction memories at the hospital are some of my worst memories of late-term baby loss. The fact that the inductions take place next to rooms in which healthy babies are born make it a horrific experience for the grieving mother. Isaac was my first baby and I remembering wanting to nurse him so badly. All my life I wanted to experience nursing and the fact that I was robbed of that gift with Isaac was so hard. And hearing all the other loud baby monitors still haunts me today. I know there are probably similar things haunting you and I am praying! I am talking much to the Lord, asking him to flood you with grace and peace and physical healing of the endo and hope renewed. I wish I could do more, but He is so much more capable of true comfort than any of us. We get it all wrong all too often, and I am sorry for anything I ever said that hurt you.

All my love coming your way, friend.

Kyla said...

Tesha my prayers are with you and remembering Jonathan with you!

Hillary said...

Oh Tesha, I just want to start all this off with a big I LOVE YOU! I know how hard tomorrow will be for you. You will be torn in two directions... in one way you will want to be happy and joyous in celebrating one of your children's birthday's but being pulled in the opposite direction of sadness, anger, and horribly memories of one of the worst days of your life. I promise, if you can make it past tomorrow in one piece, you will be able to get through anything. I know what a strong,fierce,loving mother you are and you will get there!

Love you so very much dear friend


Allison said...

Praying for you and hoping your family has a good day of celebrating your precious Jonathan!

Leanne said...

I'm praying for you today. All day.

I won't forget.


Kristy said...

I have been thinking of and praying for you all week. You are an amazing mommy and I will never forget Jonathan. He's the one who brought us together after all! Praying tomorrow is peaceful for you. Love you friend!

Elizabeth said...

thinking of you today

Debby@Just Breathe said...


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