When I first saw this post I though, Oh great I can write and really work through some old felling and let the new ones shine. My new feelings were supposed to be thankfulness and acceptance for whatever God has in our future. That is how I was feeling a couple of weeks ago....but lately..... I have been sad and doubtful.
I just caught myself say to my Mother-in-love "If God would only give me one more baby I would be happy". OUCH that was dripping with ungratefulness. I corrected myself and said "Well I will be happy no matter what, OF COARSE"! Uuuggg
When I recently was at the OB and told her I wanted to conceive, she laughed at me. I guess to most it is comical or even selfish that a mother of five on earth and one in Heaven would WANT another. I have now decided to only share this with people that are close to me because only they seem to understand.
I totally get what some might think.....You are so blessed! At least you have Five Healthy kids! Some people can't even have one! Be grateful for what you have!
I also know that my hearts desire is built on Love. Love for the children I have, Love for my sweet Jonathan in Heaven, Love for God who boldly proclaims Children are a blessing, Love that is still in my heart to give.
I don't know how this post will come across. I know how I originally (weeks ago) wanted it to. I wanted to sound like I was full of faith in God, completely trusting in his plan for our family. I wanted to sound confident in my future happiness no matter if it held a rainbow baby or not. I wanted to sound like I was oozing thankfulness through every pore for the blessing I have been given.
Right now even more that wanting to say all the right things, I want to be honest.
Honestly I'm scared. I'm scared I will not get a Rainbow baby, I'm scared it will cause the pain of losing Jonathan to linger and sting deeper. I'm scared of facing every month hoping for a baby, only to be let down. I'm scared I will have hurt feeling over the remarks about the future of our family. I'm scared I will question God and even get mad at him if he decides to not bless us with another baby. (I have no trepidation to write this, God already knows my fears and he is greater than them all)
I know that ultimately a new baby will not heal the Jonathan hurt in my heart, but I can't help believe it would help. I know I have lots of big kids, middle kids and little kids to love on right here on earth. I know my heart still breaks some nights in indescribable ways, longing for my baby boy. I know no matter WHAT God will continue to heal me, he is committed to my healing. And with a tears streaming down my checks I WILL say, I know that I am blessed!
What I don't know is how this will all play out in the end? Will there be a rainbow baby a few months down the road, or a few years....I just don't know. What does Gods future hold for our family? What does he have in store for my heart and healing? Right now it is hard to see. What I HAVE seen is past experiences and I know from my life that Jesus has NEVER let me down, even in the valley of the shadow of death. I do know that God is Good and has no limitations. His plan and purpose will prevail, and his plans are always good.
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I will close on this note. I am so glad that God is God and He is in control and I am in the palm of his hand.
Shout for joy, you heavens;
rejoice, you earth;
burst into song, you mountains!
For the Lord comforts his people
and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.
But Zion said, “The Lord has forsaken me,
the Lord has forgotten me.”
“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
I will not forget you!
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me.
~Isaiah 49 13-16