Tuesday, February 19, 2013

WWY~ Finding Hope and Healing With or Without a Rainbow

I have been wanting to do this post but with being in the hospital I have not felt up to writing. In truth I still don't feel like doing much of anything. I am really tiered and weak, I'm just not used to feeling this way. I have also been very teary lately, crying a lot.

When I first saw this post I though, Oh great I can write and really work through some old felling and let the new ones shine. My new feelings were supposed to be thankfulness and acceptance for whatever God has in our future. That is how I was feeling a couple of weeks ago....but lately..... I have been sad and doubtful. 

I just caught myself say to my Mother-in-love "If God would only give me one more baby I would be happy". OUCH that was dripping with ungratefulness. I corrected myself and said "Well I will be happy no matter what, OF COARSE"! Uuuggg

When I recently was at the OB and told her I wanted to conceive, she laughed at me. I guess to most it is comical or even selfish that a mother of five on earth and one in Heaven would WANT another. I have now decided to only share this with people that are close to me because only they seem to understand. 

I totally get what some might think.....You are so blessed! At least you have Five Healthy kids! Some people can't even have one! Be grateful for what you have!

I also know that my hearts desire is built on Love. Love for the children I have, Love for my sweet Jonathan in Heaven, Love for God who boldly proclaims Children are a blessing, Love that is still in my heart to give.

I don't know how this post will come across. I know how I originally (weeks ago) wanted it to. I wanted to sound like I was full of faith in God, completely trusting in his plan for our family. I wanted to sound confident in my future happiness no matter if it held a rainbow baby or not. I wanted to sound like I was oozing thankfulness through every pore for the blessing I have been given.

Right now even more that wanting to say all the right things, I want to be honest.

Honestly I'm scared. I'm scared I will not get a Rainbow baby, I'm scared it will cause the pain of losing Jonathan to linger and sting deeper. I'm scared of facing every month hoping for a baby, only to be let down. I'm scared I will have hurt feeling over the remarks about the future of our family. I'm scared I will question God and even get mad at him if he decides to not bless us with another baby. (I have no trepidation to write this, God already knows my fears and he is greater than them all)

I know that ultimately a new baby will not heal the Jonathan hurt in my heart, but I can't help believe it would help. I know I have lots of big kids, middle kids and little kids to love on right here on earth. I know my heart still breaks some nights in indescribable ways, longing for my baby boy. I know no matter WHAT God will continue to heal me, he is committed to my healing. And with a tears streaming down my checks I WILL say, I know that I am blessed!

What I don't know is how this will all play out in the end? Will there be a rainbow baby a few months down the road, or a few years....I just don't know. What does Gods future hold for our family? What does he have in store for my heart and healing? Right now it is hard to see. What I HAVE seen is past experiences and I know from my life that Jesus has NEVER let me down, even in the valley of the shadow of death. I do know that God is Good and has no limitations. His plan and purpose will prevail, and his plans are always good.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
~Jeremiah 29:11 

I will close on this note. I am so glad that God is God and He is in control and I am in the palm of his hand.

Shout for joy, you heavens;
rejoice, you earth;
burst into song, you mountains!
For the Lord comforts his people
and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.

 But Zion said, “The Lord has forsaken me,
the Lord has forgotten me.”

 “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
I will not forget you!

 See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me.
~Isaiah 49 13-16


Sara said...

I can so relate to so much of what you said. I understand wanting to have that unwavering faith in and gratefulness to our Father. I also understand fully the desires of your heart Tesha. I remember wondering and having to surrender that desire to have that rainbow baby... just never knowing if that would be God's plan for us. Now I look back in amazement!:) Tesha, I am praying for you... Praying for strength in the waiting and longing and for the Lord to fill you with His comfort and peace... As a mommy who fully understands those longings... I am praying for HIM to answer your request for another little one if that is His will... love you friend... Praying!!

Denise said...

Saying prayers for you.

Shauna said...


This post spoke to my heart today. I can relate to your want to have a rainbow baby. I have 6 living children and 2 in Heaven. People laugh at me and think I am crazy for wanting another one--they tell me to just be grateful for what I have and focus on them. I am grateful for all my children, but, I long to have rainbow healing, not to replace Janessa and Hope but healing to help me survive without them. I'm sad this morning because I took another pregnancy test and of course it was negative again. I've got so many negative tests these past 3 years I should be use to it, but, it still hurts every time. I really feel like I am chasing an empty dream. I don't know how to heal without a rainbow baby, but, I guess something I realized today is that God does know how to help me heal--He does know the type of rainbow healing that is just right for me whether it includes a rainbow baby or not. I just have to learn to trust him, but, that is something I really struggle with right now. I'll pray that both of us will find the rainbow healing in our lives that God has for each of us. ((Hugs)) <3

The Heart's Hunger said...

Tesha, Good morning!

It's good to spill it all out. The pain and waiting each month... then to know it's not this month again- I know that pain,tears, sorrow, and sometimes deeper inside confusion & anger. For me, it felt like a little death I'd experience month after month into year after year.
But, you are right in what you write in this post: God will never fail you, God's will 'will' happen for you- His will that is for your good, for your prosperitay, and ultimately for His Glory.

I heard a song while I was driving long distances recently. The Chourus went like this:
"I don't know, I don't know what You're doing.... but, I know You are God." *I loved it, because it reminded me of the time I described to above.

Though you yearn for a sweet baby after the death of Jonathan.. I can't relate to that part... However, I yearned for a sweet baby after I realized that I caused the deaths of all my 'could-be' babies once I realized what I had done when I had my tubes tied. I had indescrible pain once I found out the love our Lord has for the way He created us, for the way He created ME- to be so very fertile- and I killed that part of me.
Eventually I had the reversal- a success! and I thought my pain would only go away if I could just have another baby.
Somewhere in my heart I believed that this was the only way I would heal up- heal up over what I done (in my mind, I believed I was responsible for the 'creation (life)' and 'no-creation (life)' of in my womb. How could I ever dream up such a thought??? -It took me FOREVER- to realize that I, fertile and once more open again, wasn't responsible for what happened in my womb. But, then that turned a new event in my mind, a bad one- I was angrier and angrier with God- because He wasn't making it happen. -Phew, what a road I journeyed!

Sweet Tesha, don't fight your tears- I know sometimes that it is better to let them fall privately so not to upset your children... but still let them fall out- because you are a mommy who loves and misses your Jonathan.
God does have His mind made up about a Rainbow Baby- but He hasn't showed you what will happen yet.
That doesn't mean you can't 'feel' over this.... and it certainly doesn't mean that you shouldn't quit trying.
Keep trying- for we know God LOVES life, and for us to choose Life--- choosing life comes in many forms (you know that) not just Him creating sweet babies.... so you keep on living dear friend- God is holding your emotions, your tears and laughter.
It is the desire of your heart to trust Him more and more, moment by moment- and although through this weakness- He will give to you your desire to trust Him about a rainbow baby.
*** I know I've shared with you these pieces of my story before, I hope the repeat isn't bothersome to you :) ... and I know I've probably said this too...
Jesus isn't rushing you through these emotions; He's walking with you through these emotions.

Believing your heat will heal,
Love to you- one of the best mommies I've ever known (sounds silly- 'cause I know it's through blogger... but, it shows!!)

Mrs. Howard said...

Tesha, I completely understand what you are saying!! Regardless of how grateful we are, I understand the desire to have another baby. Whether it should be or not, there is something healing about the idea of having a baby after loss. I'm praying for you...for healing, for strength, and for peace!

Leanne said...

I was nodding and nodding my head in understanding throughout this post.

Your honesty is refreshing. And you know what? It's okay if everything isn't okay all the time! We run to God then...even if our faith is smaller than a poppy seed.

I'm exactly where you are today.

And I'm going to pray for you!!


Catherine said...

Oftentimes, I find that what we don't have overshadows what we do have. Learning to be truly grateful with what you have, especially after a loss, can be a little bit of a journey. Praying that you do get your rainbow and that you find healing no matter what happens. Love to you <3

Jennifer Ross said...

Beautiful, honest post Tesha... Your love for your children pours throughout your words. God loves you so very much, and He surely has an awesome grand plan for your life... just like you had written. I know you love God with all of your heart, soul and mind... just as He loves you. I look forward to watching how He transforms your future!

I've enjoyed "Walking With You! "


Jennifer Ross said...

P.S. I never knew that you were having surgery... I am so sorry that I missed these posts... I'm indulged in Facebook. LOL

Praying that you feel better real soon! :)

Kallie said...

You really spoke from your heart Tesha! While I have not felt your pain, I can feel how big your heart is and how much you love your family!I will continue to pray for strength in whatever plans that God has for you and your family!

~Nicole~ said...

Thank you for sharing your heart so honestly. I resonate your feelings... I'm scared too. Scared that there is no way I could possibly concieve (at this age, after two losses already, with fertility issues) The hardest part is trusting that whatever plan God has for us, it is His perfect will and design for our lives. I don't say that like I know that it's easy to do... but as one who is also facing the desire for another rainbow, and the reality that it may not happen. Only God knows!

Kim said...

Oh honey, this is so so hard! First of all, I hate that your OB laughed at you. So. not. funny. It doesn't matter how many children you have, when you have as much love in your heart to give as you do-you just want to give that to your children. I think when you lose a baby/babies it makes it more intense because all of that love is there emotionally, but physically you can't act on it and it is so painful. I hope you don't give up. There is lots of time in the future (which is way too far away, I know), but there is time for something to happen and I really hope it does for you love.

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

So glad you didn't write what you think you "should" say...and stuck with the truth. Because, sister...every momma heart...every human heart has these struggles...these times where the fear feels bigger and the questions run deep. I think it's good for people to see real faith play out. Real faith isn't the absence of doubt and fear. Real faith is trusting Him anyway...when you're most filled with doubt and questions.

And, you, my dear are a beautiful example of that.

Much love, and continued prayers. So glad you took the time to Walk with Us. :)

Cindi said...

Tesha, I just love your heart!! I love your faith and your honesty! You are so precious inside and out! I'm always praying for you! Love ya!

April said...

I applaude your honesty Tesha. No one here will judge you, that I have learned. I can not have a rainbow baby - no way, no how. That was huge to swallow and I have not yet fully accepted it. This I know, you are blessed and your heart is still full of love to give if it's in the plan. Never feel guilty about wanting another child, the number of children you have does not determine what type of mother you are. It's what's in your heart and soul, and it's in your heart and soul. xo

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