It is interesting that since I found out I was pregnant I have been extremely busy or extremely sick and have not had a lot of time to really write or even think for that matter. Of coarse the pregnancy hormones have me more emotional. However I seem to think of Jonathan and shed a few tears rather than all out cry like a used to. I remember this time last year I was a total wreck. I did not sleep at all and was in a deep pit of grief. I did not think it would ever get any better. I would read blogs of mommies farther down the road and think I will never get there. Yet here I am...it still hurts but not in the same way, not with the same all consuming intensity. I am so thankful for that.
I am so blessed I can now think of Jonathan, smile and just be thankful for his life and all he taught us. There are moments when it really stings like when I see a baby his age. Sometimes when I see Joseph playing on the floor my heart aches to think Jonathan should be there with him. When I was pregnant with Jonathan there was an organic milk carton with a picture of two little boys very close in age I remember looking at that so fondly even before I knew Jonathan was a boy. So when I see two little brothers very close in age my heart aches a little. All the big boys are CONVINCED that the new baby HAS to be a boy for Joseph to have a little buddy:) Shayla disagrees LOL.
I do not feel really fearful of this pregnancy or even disconnected from the baby, as I thought I might. I feel like I am doing all I can do, resting, taking my vitamins, praying for this little one. The out come of life and death is out of my hands. I do know that God is good! Even as I held my precious much wanted son that had gone to heaven in my arms, God was still good. Now even more than ever I believe God is good in all he does, in conception, in life and death. Even when it hurts and at times I still don't understand but I KNOW He is good!
So I am ten weeks and starting my pregnancy's journal I have keep one for all my kids. I love to look back on my pregnancy and I have to say I have a strong feeling this will be my last. I have never felt that way before, I have always wanted more kids! I am not sure maybe this is something God is whispering to my heart, maybe not. I am going to do my best to drink it in and enjoy all the sweet moments and sick moments:) and know that these symptoms are reminding me of the precious, little life growing inside of me.
Dear Jonathan, I still think of you every day, many times a day. I kiss your picture or your urn and whisper my love to you every night. You are a special, wonderful part of our family and no one will ever replace you my love.
Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust".