Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Reflecting on Jonathan and a New Baby

It is interesting that since I found out I was pregnant I have been extremely busy or extremely sick and have not had a lot of time to really write or even think for that matter. Of coarse the pregnancy hormones have me more emotional. However I seem to think of Jonathan and shed a few tears rather than all out cry like a used to. I remember this time last year I was a total wreck. I did not sleep at all and was in a deep pit of grief. I did not think it would ever get any better. I would read blogs of mommies farther down the road and think I will never get there. Yet here I am...it still hurts but not in the same way, not with the same all consuming intensity. I am so thankful for that. 

I am so blessed I can now think of Jonathan, smile and just be thankful for his life and all he taught us. There are moments when it really stings like when I see a baby his age. Sometimes when I see Joseph playing on the floor my heart aches to think Jonathan should be there with him. When I was pregnant with Jonathan there was an organic milk carton with a picture of two little boys very close in age I remember looking at that so fondly even before I knew Jonathan was a boy. So when I see two little brothers very close in age my heart aches a little. All the big boys are CONVINCED that the new baby HAS to be a boy for Joseph to have a little buddy:) Shayla disagrees LOL.

I do not feel really fearful of this pregnancy or even disconnected from the baby, as I thought I might. I feel like I am doing all I can do, resting, taking my vitamins, praying for this little one. The out come of life and death is out of my hands. I do know that God is good! Even as I held my precious much wanted son that had gone to heaven in my arms, God was still good. Now even more than ever I believe God is good in all he does, in conception, in life and death. Even when it hurts and at times I still don't understand but I KNOW He is good!

So I am ten weeks and starting my pregnancy's journal I have keep one for all my kids. I love to look back on my pregnancy and I have to say I have a strong feeling this will be my last. I have never felt that way before, I have always wanted more kids! I am not sure maybe this is something God is whispering to my heart, maybe not. I am going to do my best to drink it in and enjoy all the sweet moments and sick moments:) and know that these symptoms are reminding me of the precious, little life growing inside of me.

Dear Jonathan, I still think of you every day, many times a day. I kiss your picture or your urn and whisper my love to you every night. You are a special, wonderful part of our family and no one will ever replace you my love.
Your, mommy

Thank you Hannah for this beautiful picture from Angel babies names in the sand.

 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust".
Psalm 91


Kelly said...

I think of you often when I look at my sweet girl Julia. They share a date and i can't help but think of him as well. :)

Mooberry Farmwife said...

Tesha, Congratulations on your pregnancy!! Such wonderful news!

I still pray for you and your journey of grief, I am thankful that you are healing. Jonathan has a lovely mama. :)

Stephanie said...

I am so happy for you and so excited as well for this new little one.

Debby@Just Breathe said...

I am happy to hear how far you have come. I know your love and want for Jonathan will never change but for those fresh in their grief your words will give them hope. ((HUGS))

brigette said...

You have come so far!!! Praying for you and this new litte one. You are so inspiring!!

Leanne said...

It is so refreshing and uplifting to read this post and to see where your heart is right now. I'm so, so glad!!

I'm praying for you every single day.


Piece-of-Cake Parent said...

I remember being pregnant with Ethan and thinking " this is likely my last pregnancy" and I really soaked it in. The
Lord does prepare our hearts and gives us contentment with His plan.

L said...

Your new "rainbow" baby will never take the place in your heart for Jonathan. But this baby will bring you much healing and fill your arms. I can't tell you how much healing Solomon has brought to me! I will always miss Lilly, but Solomon has helped so much. God bless you! :)

Mrs. Sarah Coller said...

Hi Tesha--just wanted to let you know I've been praying for you and your new baby. God has a way of using that new baby to ease the pain of losing the one before. You'll never ever forget him---but there will be days when you'll no longer remember. God doesn't want us to dwell or to feel guilty if a day, week, month or more goes by that we don't remember. It seems hard to imagine that that much time really could do by without thinking of the one you lost, but I lost a baby in 2007 and God has slowly healed me, over time, to the point where I don't think about that baby for months. He's filled my life with so many wonderful things to ease the pain---4 more sweet babies, deeper relationship with my husband, more mature relationship with Jesus---and more! I, too, have gone through that feeling of thinking "this one's my last"---but it never did turn out to be. I'm saying all this because I want to point out the difference between sweetly remembering and not getting past the past, as well as the difference between cherishing each moment of a pregnancy and living in fear of it being the last. I've been in both stages of both scenarios and, as we all know, the times when we're letting God take the reins and comfort our hearts are the most peaceful!

Hope you have a wonderful day. I'll continue to pray whenever I think of it.

Mrs. Sarah Coller

Hannah Rose said...

Congratulations on your precious rainbow baby, Tesha! I am oh so happy for you.

Jonathan is loved, missed, honored, and remembered always. It has been amazing to witness how the Lord has worked in your heart throughout the past year.

I'm so glad you like Jonathan's name in the sand!

Soak up every minute with this little one, Jonathan's baby brother or sister. :)

Lots of love, hugs, and prayers, friend. <3

Rachel Rainer said...


So happy for you and your pregnancy! I still think about and pray for you often. I am so glad I found your blog a while back. I enjoy keeping up with your journey even if I have never met you. :)

Denise said...

Always praying for you.

Jacqueline@ Deeprootsathome.com said...

I am thankful for how the Lord works in EVERYTHING to His glory! So many see how He heals and is healing through time and the lessons He weaves into our days. Your story has helped others and so life goes on. Jonathan will never not be part of your life! I am so thankful for this new life in you :) May you rest in His sovereign love!

Sarah Avila said...

Tesha!! You sound like you are doing really well! I'm so glad to read this post and see how much you've grown and changed over the past year! I think of you often and I'm so glad you have linked up! I hope you are able to find some encouragement, prayer and fellowship here!


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