Saturday, April 27, 2013

14 Week Fears

I have battled the spirit of fear this week. I am not sure what happened to spark such all consuming fear?
Maybe hearing the baby's heartbeat last week made this sweet little one so real and so vulnerable to me. I had really bad dreams and did not sleep for three nights in a row. I was pretty convinced the baby had died.

 I called my Dr. Thursday morning, I talked to the nurse and explained things and asked if I could come in for a heartbeat check. She was very cold and uncaring and told me they don't do that and I needed to go to the ER if I thought something was wrong. I asked to have the doctor call me anyways. I was so upset over her attitude and so worked up by the afternoon I was ready to go to the ER. The doctor finally called in the afternoon and said she would see me in the morning.

I was really nervous on my way to the appointment Friday because my husband could not go with me and I thought for sure I would get bad news. The Dr. (the one that delivered Jonathan) was so sweet and understanding. She immediately did the heartbeat check and reassured me the baby's heartbeat was beautiful and perfect!

 I took a sigh of relief and then felt pretty silly for getting so upset. She assured me that everything I am feeling is normal and of coarse I will struggle with fear. She said she would do anything she could to ease my fears and help me cope with being pregnant again. She ordered a bunch of blood test to check some conditions that could of caused Jonathan's death. I thought those test had already been done but apparently some had not. My thyroid test already came back abnormal but they want to do one more recheck next month before starting me on medication.

I asked the Dr about getting a baby heart Doppler and she said she strongly recommend that I did not. She said I would make myself miserable always checking and if I could not find it I would be really scared.

So last night I slept for the first time all week. I don't think the fears will continue, I think it was just an attack on my mind and heart. I know there are many people praying for the baby and me and that God is in control. I am so thankful for all my friends that have supported and encouraged me.

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. 
~Psalm 56:3 

He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection. Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor the arrow that flies in the day. Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness, nor the disaster that strikes at midday. Though a thousand fall at your side, though ten thousand are dying around you, these evils will not touch you. 
~Psalm 91:4-8 

Monday, April 22, 2013

A Girls Day Out

Friday, Shayla and I were blessed to have a girls day out. We took two of her friends and their mommies (that happen to be my friends:) to the ballet Cinderella. It was geared to school aged children so it was pretty perfect for our little ballerinas. It was quite a drive but none of us minded because we had great fellowship together!

 Shayla loves getting to spend time with other girls. She seems to have just realized that she is the only girl in our family, she is always asking to play with other little girls now. After the ballet the girls danced on the grass and then we went to In-And-Out for lunch, YUMMY!

It was a blessed day of friendship and fun!

“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.”
~C.S. Lewis

Oil and perfume rejoice the heart; so does the sweetness of a friend's counsel that comes from the heart. 
~Proverbs 27: 9

Thursday, April 18, 2013

The Sweetest Sound

Yesterday was my Doctors appointment- fear crept in the night before and sleep eluded me. I keep wondering, will I hear the sound of this baby's heart? Will I face the excruciating words, "I am sorry there is no heartbeat" again? 

 I arrived at the doctor and tried to keep my thoughts busy. As the Doctor went through a million questions I tried not to let my eyes linger on the machine that would tell the fate of my baby. She explained what she would be doing during the appointment ....she didn't say listing to the heartbeat. She knew about Jonathan she had already ask what happened...."No heartbeat", I had replied.

I gulped, I am sure my voice was shaking...."Can we listen to the baby's heartbeat"? A look of compassion filled her eyes, for a brief moment it seemed she felt my pain. "Of course we will listen right now". she said

Cold jelly on my tummy

A gentle hand

A big gulp

the SWEETEST sound. Our baby's beating heart

A few tears escaped my eyes with a smile

Deep breath

 a whispered prayer of thanks

Driving home I wonder how many times I have heard a babies heart beating in my belly?....MANY, to many to count or remember. Even Jonathan, I had many appointments where we listened to his heartbeat. I saw his heart beating on the ultrasound several times. Did I marvel at the miracle? I am not sure. Yes it made me happy, I loved it, but did fully understand the ramification that the sound had? Life and death. Don't hearts just beat, mine does, my children's do, 
everyday all day long. 

When I got home I pulled out my pregnancy journals. I wanted to read what I said about hearing the heartbeat of my babies. Over and over I read....."We heard the heartbeat" Simple words. They seem to say, well of coarse I heard the babies heart, I'm pregnant. They were  naive words that had never tasted the pain and sorrow of holding a son whose heart had stopped beating.

Oh Lord where else am I blind, what other wonders around me do I take for granted? We are not promised a beating heart or that our loved ones heart will beat tomorrow. I want everyday to be filled with the wonder and joy over the sound of beating hearts. I want the sound of my children's hearts to sing in my head, the wonder of their life. Not the tune of just another ordinary, mundane day with so much to do.

Why dose it so often take tragedy to open our eyes to the everyday beauty of LIFE? Why did it take a son with no heartbeat to cause me to really MARVEL over a tiny beating heart?

Lord forgive me for ALL I take for granted, help me to fully live in awe and wonder of this  adventure and all the beautiful beating hearts around me. 

Photo credit

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.
John 10:10

Monday, April 15, 2013


  • I am so busy right now finishing up our school year. We have about six weeks to go. The major difference this year is I have a high schooler and the course MUST be done to get credit. SO we are working extra hours to catch up in two class we were behind in.

  •  I always seem to get homeschooling burn out in April and want to quite....I am so glad I never do!

  • I am feeling better but still really tiered all the time. I get waves of nauseousness through out the day not the ALL day stomach upset like before.

  • Shayla and Joseph have decided they don't like sleeping through the night anymore and make their way to my bed a couple of times a night. Between taking them back to their rooms and using the bathroom 15-20 times no wonder I am sleepy.

  • I finally go the high risk OB Wed. Hopefully I will have a illegitimate update and maybe get a peek at baby! My pants are getting tight on my tummy, I am 13 weeks:)

  • I have been quite distressed over the trial in Tenn to convict the man that hit Chasity. I keep up with the news stories every night. It is sad to hear the graphic details about the crash, I am keeping them in constant prayer.

  • I keep having VIVID baby dreams. The most perplexing is that I have this new baby but it is Jonathan. He looks just the same but he is moving and healthy. I am really happy in the dream that he is alive but I am wondering what happened to the new baby.

  • Daddy took Shayla Ice-skating this week. She has been asking to go since Disney on Ice. She loved it and can't wait to go back. She is such a daddy's girl!
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

Friday, April 12, 2013

Health and Fitness

I am linking with Kelly's Korner for her fitness and health tips.

I really just wanted to write this post to inspire myself! Ever since I got pregnant I have been in a real fitness/health slump. I usually eat really healthy and exercise but the extreme sickness has gotten me in a bad habit of eating junk food in an effort to feel better. I have not yet been put on exercise restriction but have chosen not to since I am in a high risk pregnancy and I was exercising during the time Jonathan passed away. 

With my other pregnancy's I have done spinning the whole time, however I will stick to less strenuous exercise for the rest of this pregnancy, like walking. So while you most likely won't spot me at the gym for then next year I still have lots of at home tips for a healthy lifestyle.

People often ask me how I stay so fit and have a flat tummy when I have so many kids?

 In truth, part of it is just good genes. My mom was a fitness competitor and won her division and my sister, (from my dad) is a full on competitive bodybuilder. So trust me, I KNOW I am blessed to be able to lose weigh fairly easily and gain muscle quickly. But I also know what it's like to be out of shape. I was overweight at 13 when I started working out and learning about a healthy lifestyle. I also gained alot of weight with my second pregnancy, that was difficult to lose. I do not care much about what the scale says but I do care if my clothes fit. Well not now because I am prego;)

I started working our when I was 13 and have lived a fit lifestyle for most of my life. I LOVVVE spinning, my favorite workout! I also enjoy any kind of dance aerobic class. I do lift light weights at the gym when I am going. 

Whether I am in a phases of going to the gym or not, I do lots of calisthenics at home. Things like lying on a mat and doing leg lifts or tummy crunches. I do my tummy exercises standing when I am pregnant. I am convinced that a life time of doing these small controlled exercises is what has kept me fit and tone. I recently saw a commercial for Fluidity, I would love to own this product but it is really expensive. I have started looking on craigslist for one. 

I also walk or run in my times off from the gym, like when I have a new baby or now. (Although I have not started since surgery, hopefully this week with my Doctors blessing!

 I do not count calories, ever, however for the last 4 or 5 years I have tried to stick to an 80/20 eating plan. Meaning I eat clean and healthy 80% of the time and then I splurge on a dinner out or dessert with NO GUILT a few times a week. I find allowing my self to eat whatever I want occasionally helps me to not overeat on treats. I know I can always have another in the future. Here is a good article on 80/20 eating.

For me eating healthy and exercising help keep me happy. My mood is greatly improved after a workout. I also know that healthy eating leads to long term energy. 

My #1 fitness tip is get outside and play with the kids.... biking, hiking, walking, playing at the beach or the park all of these are great exercises and the best part is they just feel like fun!

I always seem to have a baby on my back LOL.

For while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come.
~1 Timothy 4:8

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Please Say Another Prayer

Last year I wrote a post called please say a prayer. My family tragically lost our beautiful Chasity to a hit and run car accident. This is the original post 

Today the trial began to prosecute Curtis Harper for the death of Chasity, her unborn baby and the Good Samaritan Nelson Soto, Sr he was helping them put gas in their car.

Please say a prayer that justice will be served and that God will comfort the family. Specifically for my Aunt Stephanie, Chasity's mother and Chad her brother. Chasity also left behind her beautiful daughter Ava that Stephanie is raising.

Chasity and her mom Stephanie 

This is Chasity as a baby I used to spend weekends with my beloved Uncle Brent and Aunt Stephanie. I ADORED Chasity and Chad and wanted many babies just like them.

I know that the LORD secures justice for the poor and upholds the cause of the needy.
~Psalm 140:12

Monday, April 8, 2013

Pismo Getaway

We really enjoyed our little honeymoon birthday getaway. Our days consisted of pancake breakfast at Marie Calendars, long walks on the beach hand in hand, surfing, afternoon naps with the ocean crashing in the background, daily dips in the Jacuzzi tub, amazing dinners at our favorite restaurants, drifting off to sleep to late night movies.

The view from our room
Time to surf!
Taking care of some business.
Ready for a Jacuzzi after surfing. 

I didn't really take any pictures, sometimes pictures can feel like a job for me, so I just enjoyed the view minus the heavy camera. Besides trips like this can not be remembered in pictures, moments are remembered.....the long talks, teasing giggles sweet snuggles. Yes we will always remember the love we felt these last few days.

Daddy's camera phone:)

It was a perfect trip with beautiful weather! We feel so blessed to have experienced this time together:)

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.
~1 John 4:7 

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Daddy Celebrated!

For Daddy's Birthday we went to his FAVORITE restaurant Benihana.
The food was AMAZING and the kids had so much fun watching the cooking show!

After Dinner we spent the night at Mam's house and enjoyed ice cream cake and watching the Bible on the history channel.

The birthday celebration continues for Jimmy and I, because we are in Pismo Beach for then next several nights!:)

Praise the Lord, my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.2 
Praise the Lord, my soul,
and forget not all his benefits
Psalms 103 1-3

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Easter 2013

We had a 

Early morning rising
Basket opening
Candy eating
Getting ready for church GOING
Family fun seeing
Sermon preaching
Jesus teaching
Easter egg hunting
 Trampoline jumping
Picture taking
More candy eating
 Family memory making 

Wonderful good time!!!!!

A blessed day!!!

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.
1 Peter 1:3

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