Yesterday was my Doctors appointment- fear crept in the night before and sleep eluded me. I keep wondering, will I hear the sound of this baby's heart? Will I face the excruciating words, "I am sorry there is no heartbeat" again?
I arrived at the doctor and tried to keep my thoughts busy. As the Doctor went through a million questions I tried not to let my eyes linger on the machine that would tell the fate of my baby. She explained what she would be doing during the appointment ....she didn't say listing to the heartbeat. She knew about Jonathan she had already ask what happened...."No heartbeat", I had replied.
I gulped, I am sure my voice was shaking...."Can we listen to the baby's heartbeat"? A look of compassion filled her eyes, for a brief moment it seemed she felt my pain. "Of course we will listen right now". she said
Cold jelly on my tummy
A gentle hand
A big gulp
the SWEETEST sound. Our baby's beating heart.
A few tears escaped my eyes with a smile
a whispered prayer of thanks
Driving home I wonder how many times I have heard a babies heart beating in my belly?....MANY, to many to count or remember. Even Jonathan, I had many appointments where we listened to his heartbeat. I saw his heart beating on the ultrasound several times. Did I marvel at the miracle? I am not sure. Yes it made me happy, I loved it, but did fully understand the ramification that the sound had? Life and death. Don't hearts just beat, mine does, my children's do,
everyday all day long.
When I got home I pulled out my pregnancy journals. I wanted to read what I said about hearing the heartbeat of my babies. Over and over I read....."We heard the heartbeat" Simple words. They seem to say, well of coarse I heard the babies heart, I'm pregnant. They were naive words that had never tasted the pain and sorrow of holding a son whose heart had stopped beating.
Oh Lord where else am I blind, what other wonders around me do I take for granted? We are not promised a beating heart or that our loved ones heart will beat tomorrow. I want everyday to be filled with the wonder and joy over the sound of beating hearts. I want the sound of my children's hearts to sing in my head, the wonder of their life. Not the tune of just another ordinary, mundane day with so much to do.
Why dose it so often take tragedy to open our eyes to the everyday beauty of LIFE? Why did it take a son with no heartbeat to cause me to really MARVEL over a tiny beating heart?
Lord forgive me for ALL I take for granted, help me to fully live in awe and wonder of this adventure and all the beautiful beating hearts around me.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.