Monday, June 10, 2013

Better Than A Hallelujah

The silence when the words wont come.....

Lately I have been silent about my emotions because I really don't know what to say. I am sometimes a mess. I give into worry, I cry, I get angry, I question, I fear.....honestly most of the anxieties in my heart I do not want to admit to or record. So silence.

My heart and mind are often on Jonathan. I look at his little face in the frame on my nightstand. I remember. I will never forget my baby boy. I have carried his little brother longer now than I carried him. When I think of him and our new son I sometimes feel confused and sad. Many questions swirl in my head and heart. All the while there is a protective prayer on my lips and sheltering hand on my belly.

Jesus must of known what I would need now...her name is Shayla. It seems the questions of a four year old many times parallel my own. Often in answering her, God answers me. Oh and the sweetness of her, that she knows her mommy's heart and how I love for her to talk of Jonathan. When our prayers are said she often whispers these words..... Goodnight Jonathan, Goodnight Papa, Goodnight Jesus.

I am having a hard time expressing my feeling to anyone. The silence is all around me, except in my heart, except to Jesus. I tell him all my troubles, the truth.

I am so thankful that the honest cry of my breaking heart is beautiful to him.

 I Cry aloud to the LORD; I lift up my voice to the LORD for mercy. I pour out before him my complaint; before him I tell my trouble.When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who watch over my way 
~Psalm 142: 1-3

Better Than A Hallelujah
By Amy Grant

God loves a lullaby
In a mother's tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes

God loves the drunkard's cry
The soldier's plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

The woman holding on for life
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes

The tears of shame for what's been done
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Better than a church bell ringing
Better than a choir singing out, singing out

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

So worth watching.


Andrea said...

Sigh...Tesha. It is too early for your emotions to heal. Unite it to Mary's sufferings when she lost her only Son.

Mooberry Farmwife said...

you are in my thoughts and prayers, friend

Leanne said...


I totally understand your post. I understand your fears and worries and your thoughts. They are very real, and they are totally normal for your situation.

I just paused right now and said a prayer for you. Please know you are NOT alone. Our Lord thinks your thoughts and tears and secret heart is beautiful, and He holds you in the palm of His hand.


Anonymous said...

Your feelings are natural, normal, and fair. There is no shame in the fear and sadness and helplessness that you're feeling. Just lay it all at Jesus' feet and He will carry the burden for you.

I will be praying for you, sweet friend, as you grow and heal and flourish :-)

Love in Christ from Alabama

Kim said...

You should record those sad moments if you need to. I can't imagine all of the mixed feelings this new little lifeais bringing into your grief. I am glad you are finding peace and reason through your emotions.

L said...

Beautiful post. I understand! I think it is a blessing to others when you share these feelings. Then other mamas going through something similiar don't feel so alone. I know the Trisomy Angel Parents group was a great help to me when I was feeling crazy during my pregnancy with my rainbow baby!

Christine said...

Oh, Tesha. My heart is aching with yours. Being pregnant after a loss is both an incredible blessing, and also incredibly hard. Trusting God during this time is as hard as it ever gets in life. Peace comes when we can say, I trust you God, whatever the outcome. Whether I raise this child, or not, I trust you. It is a surrendering that requires us to completely, in our hearts, give up what we want, knowing that God's purposes are greater than ours, and we can never understand them fully until we see Him. And He doesn't ask us to understand Him, he justs asks us to trust Him. To give ourselves over to Him sacrificially as He did for us on the Cross. Take my life Lord, do with it what you will. I love you, Lord.

I think peace comes with that depth of surrender, and I pray the Lord works it in your heart--an amazing work of grace. Then, you can hold your belly and rejoice. You can look at Jonathan's picture and rejoice. For God is using you and your babies and His plan is perfect. Trust that perfection. I know it's excruciatingly hard, and God knows too.

You are never alone and you never need be ashamed of, or try to hide any of this. This is God working, showing, changing hearts all around you and in you. Don't hide His amazing works of grace. Shout them from the rooftops and let God worry about the naysayers, the ones who think it dignified to hide our humanity. They are perhaps the ones who most need to see God's work.

All my love and prayers coming to you today, dear Tesha.

The Heart's Hunger said...

Good Morning Tesha,

Thinking of you :)

this verse has been on mind this week:

And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.

I like to remember this verse- when you the chance you can pop on over -I recently wrote with this verse on my mind.

Jesus with you:)
Love, Deanna

Gale Fitts said...


You are so normal! Sometimes we feel like we always have to be strong. No we don't! That is why we need Jesus. He knows our situation before we do. He knows us so well. Give Him the chance to lift you up. He is also a great listener to hear our cries of despair.

Kathy said...

Praying for you my friend-love the song

Kallie said...

Thinking of you today! Prayers and hugs being sent your way!

Debby@Just Breathe said...

I think about you often and of course I am praying for you and your little one. I understand your silence but of course God hears you.
I love Shayla's prayers at night. ((HUGS))

Denise said...

Sending you love and prayers.

brigette said...

Praying for you all the time. Your feelings and emotions are normal let them come. Sending so much love! !

Anonymous said...

I am right there with you... Had 5 babies, lost 5 ( technically) with 2 of them barely in the 2nd trimester. I am nearly 21 weeks with my 6th living baby after my doctor put me on blood thinners to protect the cord and placenta.. SO thankful... I rejoice and I weep...It has only been a month or so since we got chromosomal reports on our back to back late losses. It was crazy.. God has been protecting us. I know what you are going through... It is so hard to relate to people... and many don't understand... They just think the large family thing is crazy. The Lord wants me to not care what people think. This baby is a miracle.

Cindi said...

One of my favorite songs! Isn't it awesome that with God, we don't have to say anything at all...He already knows our hearts. Ahmazing! Big hugs to you, Friend, and I'm praying.

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