Lately I have been so excited for this baby boy! There have been times in this pregnancy when I have felt withdrawn and detached but right now I am so in love with my new little man and can't wait to meet him!
At one Doctors appointment I was visibly upset and they recommend I speak to the counselor on sight. So she came in and interviewed me, after, she said, "You don't need counseling and your not depressed, you just love your children!". "You were born to be a mommy and losing a baby took a big toll on your mommy's heart". I have cherished those words so many times! Why? Because they validate my pain and the importance of Jonathan to me.
It seems like the worst part about "Rainbow Babies" is it gives some people permission to dismiss the pain that once was. I have told a few people about Jonathan during this pregnancy and they quickly say something along the lines of, "But look at you now, a new baby boy on the way!" I know that these comments are in no way meant to be hurtful, in fact the opposite. The speaker usually thinks they are encouraging me. In truth the worst feeling in the world is when someone easily dismiss someones pain (whatever it is).
I know others have walked down darker paths, I know others have suffered so much more. In my life, my immense trial has been giving birth to and saying goodbye to our sixth child. I will always look back at it with deep introspection, some sadness and lots of thankfulness.
This has got me wondering how many times have I casually dismissed someone else darkest days? Did someone share their heart only to have me answer with some cliche and then change the subject? Probably, because in truth we all have done it. My prayer is, God give me a sensitive heart that would not just hear the pain of others but truly listen and offer love.
I do not begrudge these comments in any way, I no longer feel the need to justify Jonathan's life. Jesus and those closest to me knows what he means to me, how he changed me and that he is important. Whatever others think is irrelevant at this point. I do not feel the urge to crusade as I once did to let others know the pain of babyloss. However I firmly believe that God will use Jonathan's life in the future to minister to other mommies through me. Probably not on some grand scale but just a listening ear that offers love and support.
Why is it all so painful?
Because my heart is for my children!
My childhood dream was just to be a mommy. I have been reflecting often on my first baby because his birthday is in a week and he is about to be sixteen. I remember that first miraculous experience and the joy I have felt at every birth.
I vividly remember them placing Little Jimmy in my arms and marveling in love at him. I remember them placing Jonathan in my arms and how his sweet little hand was crossed beautifully across his heart in a perfect pose. I was filled with so much love and compassion for him. I wanted to help him and protect him even though he was already in Heaven. I am so excited that very soon I will give birth once again and a baby will be placed in my arms. Every experience has been beautiful and I am so blessed to behold birth and the love that explodes into my heart as I see my child.
So tonight as I reflect on my mommy's heart I just have to say I am so very thankful. Thankful for each child God has entrusted into my womb. Thankful that soon I will experience the miracle of birth for the seventh time. Thankful that each birth has changed and transformed me. Thankful that people have not understood my pain, it has helped me understand the pain of others. Thankful that some do know and validate my feelings and my son in Heaven. Thankful that life is beautiful and precious. Thankful that God has put in me a mommy's heart.
She will be saved through childbearing, if she continue in faith and love and holiness, with self control
1 Timothy 2:15