Tuesday, October 1, 2013

My Mommy's Heart

Lately I have been so excited for this baby boy! There have been times in this pregnancy when I have felt withdrawn and detached but right now I am so in love with my new little man and can't wait to meet him!

At one Doctors appointment I was visibly upset and they recommend I speak to the counselor on sight. So she came in and interviewed me, after, she said, "You don't need counseling and your not depressed, you just love your children!". "You were born to be a mommy and losing a baby took a big toll on your mommy's heart". I have cherished those words so many times! Why? Because they validate my pain and the importance of Jonathan to me.

It seems like the worst part about "Rainbow Babies" is it gives some people permission to dismiss the pain that once was. I have told a few people about Jonathan during this pregnancy and they quickly say something along the lines of, "But look at you now, a new baby boy on the way!" I know that these comments are in no way meant to be hurtful, in fact the opposite. The speaker usually thinks they are encouraging me. In truth the worst feeling in the world is when someone easily dismiss someones pain (whatever it is).

I know others have walked down darker paths, I know others have suffered so much more. In my life, my immense trial has been giving birth to and saying goodbye to our sixth child. I will always look back at it with deep introspection, some sadness and lots of thankfulness.

This has got me wondering how many times have I casually dismissed someone else darkest days? Did someone share their heart only to have me answer with some cliche and then change the subject? Probably, because in truth we all have done it. My prayer is, God give me a sensitive heart that would not just hear the pain of others but truly listen and offer love.

I do not begrudge these comments in any way, I no longer feel the need to justify Jonathan's life. Jesus and those closest to me knows what he means to me, how he changed me and that he is important. Whatever others think is irrelevant at this point. I do not feel the urge to crusade as I once did to let others know the pain of babyloss. However I firmly believe that God will use Jonathan's life in the future to minister to other mommies through me. Probably not on some grand scale but just a listening ear that offers love and support.

Why is it all so painful?
Because my heart is for my children! 

My childhood dream was just to be a mommy. I have been reflecting often on my first baby because his birthday is in a week and he is about to be sixteen. I remember that first miraculous experience and the joy I have felt at every birth. 

I vividly remember them placing Little Jimmy in my arms and marveling in love at him. I remember them placing Jonathan in my arms and how his sweet little hand was crossed beautifully across his heart in a perfect pose. I was filled with so much love and compassion for him. I wanted to help him and protect him even though he was already in Heaven. I am so excited that very soon I will give birth once again and a baby will be placed in my arms. Every experience has been beautiful and I am so blessed to behold birth and the love that explodes into my heart as I see my child.

So tonight as I reflect on my mommy's heart I just have to say I am so very thankful. Thankful for each child God has entrusted into my womb. Thankful that soon I will experience the miracle of birth for the seventh time. Thankful that each birth has changed and transformed me. Thankful that people have not understood my pain, it has helped me understand the pain of others. Thankful that some do know and validate my feelings and my son in Heaven. Thankful that life is beautiful and precious. Thankful that God has put in me a mommy's heart.

She will be saved through childbearing, if she continue in faith and love and holiness, with self control
1 Timothy 2:15


Mrs. Howard said...

Tesha, this is the most beautiful post!!! This puts into words exactly what is in my heart!!! Jonathan will not be forgotten.

Pink Slippers said...

Not to take away from your previous births-- but, I believe this next delivery will carry a lot of emotion (good and bad). While bringing your baby boy into the world, your love and missing of Jonathan may be so ever present. I love you and just want you to be prepared. And you know what, those feelings will be ok. BTW- We haven't stopped praying for you and baby #7. Can't wait to hear his name.

L said...

Great post - I understand! I too have wondered how many dumb things I have said to people in the past. Before Lilly taught me the compassion I needed to have for others. I too do not like when people dismiss her because of my rainbow baby. But I've come to the conclusion that unless a person has lost a child, they just do not understand. Therefore I should not be upset when they do not say things I think they ought to. I agree with the 2nd commenter that you'll have a range of emotions when this new little one is born. But oh it will be wonderful and there will be incredible good that comes of it!

Hillary said...

Just beautiful Tesha! I too have both had those kinds of comments made to me and I am sure that I am guilty of speaking before I think as well. Thank you for the gentle reminder to be on the lookout for such situations. I can't believe your new little one is almost here! What a joy he'll be!

Lot of love and prayers for you today wonderful friend!


Leanne said...

Tesha, this post begs to be shared on as many pages as can be. I'm sharing it on my blog and also on my FB page.

Your heart needs to be heard. You are a fantastic writer and I am so proud and humbled to know you and to love you.

I wish I could be there to see them place this baby in your arms. And I haven't stopped praying for you AND him!


Deanna said...

Bless you Tesha! what a sweet counseling nurse!!!
You are simply a mom who 'loves'
...why wouldn't it hurt?
sometimes the love I have for my children can physically hurt... how does that happen? anyway we know that momma love is strong and can move mountians:))
with love, deanna

Debby@Just Breathe said...

That second paragraph brought me to tears.....of course your hurting which is very normal and it shouldn't be classified with depression.
((HUGS)) I find it so hard to believe that people can say things like that but I do understand that they mean well, I just don't get how their hearts won't let them put themselves in your shoes when it comes to feelings. Can't wait to meet Baby Boy!

brigette said...

wow this is beautiful! I know what you mean with those comments and it stings. It really makes me want to think about what I may have dismissed as well. I will stop and think before I speak thank you for the great reminder. Hugs mama best wishes for this new bundle of joy!

The Kimmels said...

I had to come back and read this post again. It is just so beautiful. Your Jonathan is so, so proud of you and he will never be forgotten. Can't wait to see pictures of new baby boy!

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