I have battled the spirit of fear this week. I am not sure what happened to spark such all consuming fear?
Maybe hearing the baby's heartbeat last week made this sweet little one so real and so vulnerable to me. I had really bad dreams and did not sleep for three nights in a row. I was pretty convinced the baby had died.
I called my Dr. Thursday morning, I talked to the nurse and explained things and asked if I could come in for a heartbeat check. She was very cold and uncaring and told me they don't do that and I needed to go to the ER if I thought something was wrong. I asked to have the doctor call me anyways. I was so upset over her attitude and so worked up by the afternoon I was ready to go to the ER. The doctor finally called in the afternoon and said she would see me in the morning.
I was really nervous on my way to the appointment Friday because my husband could not go with me and I thought for sure I would get bad news. The Dr. (the one that delivered Jonathan) was so sweet and understanding. She immediately did the heartbeat check and reassured me the baby's heartbeat was beautiful and perfect!
I took a sigh of relief and then felt pretty silly for getting so upset. She assured me that everything I am feeling is normal and of coarse I will struggle with fear. She said she would do anything she could to ease my fears and help me cope with being pregnant again. She ordered a bunch of blood test to check some conditions that could of caused Jonathan's death. I thought those test had already been done but apparently some had not. My thyroid test already came back abnormal but they want to do one more recheck next month before starting me on medication.
I asked the Dr about getting a baby heart Doppler and she said she strongly recommend that I did not. She said I would make myself miserable always checking and if I could not find it I would be really scared.
So last night I slept for the first time all week. I don't think the fears will continue, I think it was just an attack on my mind and heart. I know there are many people praying for the baby and me and that God is in control. I am so thankful for all my friends that have supported and encouraged me.
When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.
He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection. Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor the arrow that flies in the day. Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness, nor the disaster that strikes at midday. Though a thousand fall at your side, though ten thousand are dying around you, these evils will not touch you.