I am very aware of the calender lately, I know Jonathan's birthday is just around the corner. I think of him Every. Single. Day. Lately I think of him all day, my mind seems to just keep going back to him. I was even up at 3:00am this morning unable to sleep. I know this is normal because of his birthday and find great comfort knowing other mommies have the same feelings around their angels birthday. That is what is so powerful about support groups, it's the affirmation that I am not alone, others have walked this path and are Okay.
I can't help but think of what was going on in my life this time two years ago. We had just returned from Tenn and were settling into school. A terrible flu was about to hit and then the life changing event of losing our son. The events have been playing out in my head over and over.
I have to say I have become a little more guarded and personal when I speak of Jonathan. I still can not bear for anyone to dismiss him. I know how very important he is to me and that all that really matters. As protection for my heart I just don't tell everyone all my feelings, nor write them on this blog like I did in the beginning. My greatest trial has been forgiving and forgetting those hurtful comments made by people I love. I desperately wanted to attend my local support group last Wednesday (it was the last one before his birthday) but it just was not possible because Julian has never had a bottle.
I have been praying a lot and taking captive negative thought...thoughts like it was my fault, memories over things people said. Still to tell the truth it is a struggle. Not like last year when the grief was all consuming and so heavy, it's just a weight on my heart. But I know from experience a weight can soon turn into an unbearable load if not taken to Jesus. So I have been doing just that and finding comfort in him.
Of coarse Julian is also a tremendous comfort! Last night when I could not sleep I just laid next to him listing to him breath. His breath was a balm to my aching heart. I can not believe the hope and healing he has brought to me. Thank you Jesus!
I have a plan to combat the attacks that may come, I will choose thankfulness! Over this next week and a half. When anxiety and sadness creep in I plan on pulling out my prayer journal and filling it with thankfulness. More than anything I want Jonathan's life to make me a better person. I want to know Jesus more because of him, and I DO.
I know Jesus is enough, after all he has carried me though the darkest times and deepest trails. He is always with me, an ever present help in time of trouble. My strong tower and defense, my shelter, my hope, my ALL IN ALL.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.
Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.
“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”