Wednesday, January 15, 2014

As The Day Draws Near

I am very aware of the calender lately, I know Jonathan's birthday is just around the corner. I think of him Every. Single. Day. Lately I think of him all day, my mind seems to just keep going back to him. I was even up at 3:00am this morning unable to sleep. I know this is normal because of his birthday and find great comfort knowing other mommies have the same feelings around their angels birthday. That is what is so powerful about support groups, it's the affirmation that I am not alone, others have walked this path and are Okay.

I can't help but think of what was going on in my life this time two years ago. We had just returned from Tenn and were settling into school. A terrible flu was about to hit and then the life changing event of losing our son. The events have been playing out in my head over and over.

I have to say I have become a little more guarded and personal when I speak of Jonathan. I still can not bear for anyone to dismiss him. I know how very important he is to me and that all that really matters. As protection for my heart I just don't tell everyone all my feelings, nor write them on this blog like I did in the beginning. My greatest trial has been forgiving and forgetting those hurtful comments made by people I love. I desperately wanted to attend my local support group last Wednesday (it was the last one before his birthday) but it just was not possible because Julian has never had a bottle.

I have been praying a lot and taking captive negative thought...thoughts like it was my fault, memories over things people said. Still to tell the truth it is a struggle. Not like last year when the grief was all consuming and so heavy, it's just a weight on my heart. But I know from experience a weight can soon turn into an unbearable load if not taken to Jesus. So I have been doing just that and finding comfort in him.

Of coarse Julian is also a tremendous comfort! Last night when I could not sleep I just laid next to him listing to him breath. His breath was a balm to my aching heart. I can not believe the hope and healing he has brought to me. Thank you Jesus!

 I have a plan to combat the attacks that may come, I will choose thankfulness! Over this next week and a half. When anxiety and sadness creep in I plan on pulling out my prayer journal and filling it with thankfulness. More than anything I want Jonathan's life to make me a better person. I want to know Jesus more because of him, and I DO.

I know Jesus is enough, after all he has carried me though the darkest times and deepest trails. He is always with me, an ever present help in time of trouble. My strong tower and defense, my shelter, my hope, my ALL IN ALL.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.
~Philippians 4:8

Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.
~Psalms 55:22

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” 
~Ecclesiastes 3:11


L said...

I know those anniversaries are hard! And as much healing as our rainbow babies bring us - they can't take the place of our angel babies. I remember first reading about Jonathan in your Above Rubies article. The pictures made such an impression on my heart and I couldn't stop thinking about your story. So glad to have found you online. I just went back and read your blog page on Jonathan's story. I like to do that periodically. I love what the nurse said about how much you all loved him. I'm praying for you Tesha!

Christine said...

Oh, I am praying, Tesha. Praying that God gives you peace and comfort in the next month and beyond, and that those who said hurtful things will miraculously apologize and say something affirming of your grief. God can change their hearts and make them see. I know forgiveness has to be given even though not deserved, but it would sure make the relationships sweeter if God will work in their hearts this month.

Allison said...

Will pray for you as the next couple of weeks come up. I know every day can be difficult, but I'm sure his birthday is much more difficult. God bless!

Leanne said...

Tesha, I found myself nodding with almost every sentence in your post. I've had these same thoughts and feelings, and yes, you are NOT ALONE!!!! I may have been very absent lately from the blog world, but I'm with you in my heart.

I have these same thoughts, and this coming May will be Janie's 10th birthday, and she was our first experience into this terrible journey of losing a baby. So, some days are better than others, and I know you know that.

I will be praying for you, dear friend.


Debby@Just Breathe said...

Thank you Jesus for Jullian....
((HUGS)) We must always believe that through our grief there is hope.

Kathy said...

Praying for you in this time my friend!

Deanna said...

Blessings to you Tesha! You are a dear mother- to all your babes!

Hannah Rose said...

Hi sweet Tesha, it has been a while since we have connected. I often think of you, Jonathan, and your sweet family. I am especially thinking of you and your boy as his 2nd Heavenly birthday draws near... how can that much time have already passed? We first connected shortly after he went to be with Jesus. Now it's coming up on 4 years since Lily went Home. Each time the new year rolls around, it feels like her birthday is so close. And I can't stop thinking of her and the time leading up to her birth. I just miss her so much, especially during March, as I'm sure you understand with Jonathan and January. I think that's a wonderful plan to fill your prayer journal with thankfulness when you start getting attacked. Julian is so precious and I'm so glad you have him to help ease your ache. I hope one day I am blessed with another child, one I get to raise on Earth. Anyways, sending you much love and hugs. ~Hannah Rose

Sara said...

Tesha... I am praying for you... I know all too well how hard these kinds of days are when you can't help but remember the details of what happened... but like you say... there is so so much to be thankful for... that every present joy and pain... So sad that he is not here, yet joy that He is safe in the arms of Jesus... both such real feelings and emotions. I am praying for you as you continue to remember his precious life and all that he will always mean to you! Much love friend!

Christine said...

I just wanted to say that I read Jonathon's story in Above Rubies a couple of years back. And then I found your blog through "Pray For Lilly". Thanks for sharing your thoughts.:-)

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