I was complaining and frustrated and fed up. I also felt really guilty because I know how blessed I am to have all my kids and that so many women want what I have. I have to say feeling guilty did not knock me out of my crisis though, it just made me feel worse. I tried to be thankful but I just seemed to keep focusing on how HARD my life was...You know so much more difficult than my friends or other women my age. Comparison is a dangerous street to walk down, one filled with lies and deceit. Truly their pastures are not greener and their beaches are just as crowded as mine.
After a few days of wallowing in misery I was starting to feel bitter and I knew I need revelation. I prayed that God would give me a word or a scripture to speak to me. I have been reading Psalms daily and that days chapter was 23. I have read and used this scripture many times because it talks about the valley of the shadow of death but on this day it spoke to me in a new and profound way that set me free from all my mommy misery.
Psalm 23 1-3
After reading this I was immediately convicted and I saw my problem....WANT!
I replayed my recent rants
I WANT free time!
I WANT the kids to pick up their mess!
I WANT a bigger house!
I WANT to go to the bathroom without someone screaming MOMMEEE at the door!
I WANT more help around the house!
I WANT peace and QUIIIIIIET!
I WANT to go away to a romantic secluded beach with just my husband!
I WANT to walk through the kitchen without stepping on cereal!
I WANT a machine that folds clothes and puts them away!
I WANT to make it through one month without someone being sick, again!
I WANT to be all alone for just one day!
I WANT someone else to do all the work I do and see if they're still smiling at the end of the day!
I could keep going but you get the idea;)
I knew I needed to stop the cycle of want. The beauty of this verse is it's not just a command to not want but the promise that follows! He shall make me lie down in green pastures, He shall lead me beside still waters, He shall restore my soul....and of course that is what I really want, peace, rest and joy.
I suddenly felt great relief.... I do not have to do anything except not want. I can trust Jesus that he will lead me to a place of refreshing, He will restore me!
The Pastor of my mother church, Pastor Rob teaches a mommy class that I attend. He recently showed us a Time magazine cover from 2013 titled "The Child Free Life" "When having it all means not having children" He talked to us about the lie of our times that we are up against, the one that says you deserve it all and you can't have that life with a bunch of kids. That lie bombards us subtly and boldly in so many ways. It leaves mommies feeling more exhausted and that we are missing out on the "good life". But you know what, it is a LIE ...The best life you can live is the one God created you for and He created me to be a mommy of many!
His words remind me to cherish the small moments and to smile often. Laughter cures a multitude of troubles and it gets me through the hard days. Sometime I just have to drop the laundry basket crank the music up and dance around the house with the little kids laughing and screaming, the teenagers may roll their eyes but I can see the smile on their lips. Sometimes I have to say forget the chores lets go get ice cream. Sometimes I have to ignore the mess and go jump on the trampoline. Sometime I have to tickle fight with my teen boys knowing I'm going to lose. Sometimes I have to sink my feet deep in the warm sand and forget all the work that is waiting at home. Sometimes I have to let go of my 'to do' list and just live in the beautiful, fleeting moment of now.
My cure for wanting is enjoying what I have right now and trusting God that he will give me all I need and more!
My job is easy I shall not want, God will take care of the green pastures, still waters and the romantic secluded beaches:)
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. Psalm 16:11