Sunday, November 8, 2015

A Change Of heart and a Change Of Pace

I am in a new season of homeschooling a season of learning and a season of transition from worry to rest. I am letting go of my ideals and expectation and embracing new ideas and methods. We are spending a lot more time outside, doing less busy work and reading together a lot more. This was all brought on by a load of stress I have been carrying over Jadon learning to read. The stress built up in my heart and head so much that I was sure I had to stop homeschooling just to have my joy back but when I pray I know that God has not released me from homeschooling but has in fact called me to embrace it and go even deeper.

Part of the stress is that I have been in a nonstop search for a tutor for Jadon since the end of last school year. I have felt weary and worn out by his lack of progress in reading, and being dyslexic myself I feel his frustration and pain in a very real way. I have been a mama on a mission trying to find help for him and it's made me feel really alone and exhausted. 

Most days I feel like I am spinning my wheels never seeing improvement in Jadon's reading and it wears on me. I recently wrote a post I titled the face of failure where I poured out my anguished heart about how I have failed my smart, creative wonderful boy...I never published that post it was to raw and sad and my perspective was a bit skewed because I wrote it at one in the morning. The tone of it was that I have failed Jadon...He has looked to me to teach him and he has hit a wall of frustration and sadness because he can not read. In the light of day I know that I am not a failure but that we have just hit a very real rough spot. I know that Jadon will be OK and he will have all the skills he needs for his life because he was created by a God that loves him and has a purpose for him. But that does not mean I don't have moments where I feel sad, worried and worn out.

Recently I was praying about all this and God spoke to me that I am in the desert. Well its nice to feel like God has spoken to you but I really did not know what to think about being in the desert except that it was not where I want to be, I want the promise land!

Last week we attend our annual Harvester Homecoming and basically spent 7 days in church service...Was it worth it to add all that church to my already slammed, crazy schedule?...YES! God helped me and gave me hope and a vision for the future.

Guess what one of the sermons was about... the desert...Yep I was listing! These words are still echoing in my head and my heart...Moses did not enter the promise land because of the sin of anger (when he struck the rock) but because of unbelief. I knew right then and there that belief was my problem. Do I really believe that God will work all things together for good, even dyslexia(Romans 8:28)? Do I really believe that God will give me rest for my weary soul(Matt 11:28)? Do I really believe “The Lord is the one who goes ahead of me; that He will be with me, that He will not fail me or forsake me(Deuteronomy 31:8)

I know I say I believe all these things but the truth is I struggle with belief... My cry has been "Lord help my unbelief"! (Mark 9:24)

Jesus is helping me, He is teaching me and showing me new things. He is speaking to me about rest and waiting on him He is promising that He goes before me and behind me(Psalm 139:5) and that surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life (psalm 123:6) I am learning to walk humbly with my God (Micah 6:8)

SO that is my change of heart and now for the pace...

Life is flying by the stress and pressure is real! My time is squeezed and there seems to be no way out, no way to slow down, to cut back on my commitments. In fact even if I cut out everything except church my days would still be full. 24 hours just does not seem to be enough but here is where Jesus comes in... He is not asking me to slow down physically so much but to slow down in my spirit to find peace and rest in my heart. Yes I may still be rushing out to church I may still have to get tutoring and dance and to the market but the condition of my heart can be at peace and rest. 

HOW is that possible...To be running running running, yet resting? I'm not sure, maybe it takes a miracle but then again I believe in miracles! Maybe its all those sermons still marinating or maybe its a supernatural work of grace but I feel a rest, a calm in my spirit, a supernatural peace that surpasses understanding.

I am learning to embrace right where I am, to find joy amongst all the challenges that real life brings. I am learning that a nature hike can be more educational than any written curriculum. I am embracing  story time with Jadon knowing that it does not exist with my older boys and one day all to soon Jadon will read a book on his own and not snuggled next to me on the couch. I am learning the art of asking questions to ignite curiosity and the thirst for knowledge. I am learning that I love learning along side my children and it doesn't have to look like traditional school at all. 

I am learning to trust God and as I learn this most valuable lesson I model it and teach it to my children.

Help me Lord to trust you, to not lean own my own understanding and to always acknowledge you!

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5

God has recently led me to some encouraging resources I want to share 

A Bible study I am doing right now

You Are loved

Praying the Names Of God

Homeschool resources...

Wild and Free I have found a lot of encouragement from their bundles and Instagram In fact I almost went to the conference...maybe next year!

Amongst Lovely Things I love all the resources on this blog

Her book is so good Teaching From Rest

I also Listened to her teaching called Education in an Hour and Loved it! 

and I love  inspiration from Jodi Mocabee  Jodi's Instagram

My favorite song right now Is Good Good Father...If I am feeling defeat it lifts my spirit!

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1Peter 5:7


Pink Slippers said...

I loved your post. Sharing your Mama heart. I think it can inspire and encourage any Mommy, no matter what season we are in. We all love our children SO much. Thanks for being transparent.

Jessica said...

Oh, how I understand! It can be so hard when you feel like you're failing your child, but in reality we aren't, and we are doing the best we can and following the Lord's leading. I'm glad you had an encouraging week last week, and I am going to check out that Teaching from Rest book!

Lisa said...

I'm so glad you shared this post with us. I do understand how you feel. My daughter is 14 and is still stuck on learning her multiplication tables. I don't know if she will ever get passed 3rd grade math! Her anxiety goes through the roof about math. I am praying you can find the reading tutor you need. And you're right - our kids have the skills God wants them to have.

Christine said...

Marianne Sunderland remember had a couple of her dyslexic children read quite late (one not until 12) and they still did fine in their lives. You are on the right track with the scripture reminders. I'm so blessed to hear that God has given you a peace and a confidence in the plans he has for Jadon's life--plans that will not be thwarted by dyslexia! You are awesome!

brigette said...

You are one amazing person and mama sending so much love!!

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