Jonathan our Angel baby

click Here and you will find all of my posts on Jonathan. To read in the order I wrote go to the oldest post first. Below is the story of his birth

To watch the video pause the music at he bottom of the page.

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The Birth of my Beautiful Baby Boy. 

It all happened very fast and was so unexpected. I went to a routine doctors appointment on Monday, January 23rd. The prior week I had the flu and had to reschedule my January 18th appointment until the following Monday. When I arrived my blood pressure was high but they thought it was due to my sickness. During the doctors routine examination she began to check for the babies heartbeat. After an agonizing 10 minutes or so she said she needed to send me to the emergency room because she could not find his heartbeat. 

I was worried, but honestly thought every thing was fine. After all, we had just seen our little guy on a 3D ultrasound the week before. I thought he was just hiding. I called my my husband (Jimmy) and after delivering my five other children to their Mam's, we proceeded to the hospital.

Once we arrived at the hospital I was pretty relaxed. After all, we had sent text messages to our church family, personal friends and family members, everyone was praying. Surly God would not let that many people down, and besides I have a miracle baby and know that God can come through even in bleak circumstance. The ultrasound confirmed what seemed unimaginable to me, our sweet baby boy was already in heaven. In shock, we gathered our family to prepare for Jonathan's delivery the next day. I felt so alone and lost that night, how was it possible my baby was dead? I could of swore I felt him kick that night.

January 24th, 2012 will be etched on my heart and mind forever. Although I had given birth to five babies, my arrival at the hospital on this day was indescribable. I had been anxious and afraid before but this time I was embarking on a journey that would forever change me. A road no mommy would ever want to walk. 

As I lay awaiting Jonathan Anthony's arrival I pondered what would life be like now, how would it feel to leave the hospital with empty arms and a broken heart? Jimmy never left my side, yet I felt alone. My wonderful Mother-in-Law and Sister-in-law joined me for his birth. They looked through the memory box the hospital had provided us, and gave me some helpful information designed to help me through this time.
The sunset on Jonathan's birthday we could see it from our window.

I never had such conflicting emotions while desperately wanting it to be over, I knew the end result of his birth would be the ultimate goodbye. 

Around 7:30 I felt the urge to push, when the doctor checked me she said we had to wait until I was fully dilated. She informed us Jonathan's body could be damaged from the delivery. This is when my tears gave way to panic because it had not crossed my mind, the consequence death had taken on his little body. I begged my husband to pray that Jonathan would be born quickly and entirely whole. My scream "the baby is coming" was within seconds after his prayer was finished.
Jonathan Anthony was born at 7:40p.m. I was terrified to see, would his precious body be intact?

I took him into my arms and immediately my heart overflowed with motherly love. He was perfect, and I adored him. The next hours were our cherished, blessed time with our son. My husband and I held him, talked to him and prayed over him. I unwrapped his little body and did my best to commit every tiny detail to memory. We took many pictures, I am so grateful we did.
When the nurse came to take his hand and footprints I will never forget the compassion and love she showed. When she took him from my arms and spoke to him as if he belonged to her.  She said "Hello handsome little man, I am here to take care of you." Even writing these words the tears begin to flow. Her considerate, beautiful words still take my breath away. 

As the time passed we knew the moment would arrive. We would have to say fair-well to Jonathan for the rest of our lives here on earth. My tenderhearted husband said "We can't let him go on his BIRTHDAY". So at a little past midnight, we said goodbye to our beloved son.

My grief in that moment threatened to consume me, I felt devastated beyond compare but just as the darkness was closing in, I heard the still small voice of my Jesus. God presences was there with us, although he did not remove the pain, he carried me and held me.
 The next day the amazing nurse that had been so compassionate to Jonathan and myself came to visit. I told her thank you from the bottom of my heart. Her replies will be forever engraved on my heart. She said, "No, thank you, Jonathan was one lucky boy to be so loved, some children live a lifetime and do not know the love he had." I will be forever thankful for my angel nurse. 

We did leave the hospital with empty arms and a broken heart, however we also left with resolve. A quite determination filled my heart to honor my sweet Angel baby, to make sure the world knew he existed and was so very loved.

Jonathan Anthony my darling, you are precious, cherised, rememberd and beloved. Thank you Jesus that I do not walk alone, you are my constant companion.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. 3 For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
Isaiah 43:2-3 2 

22 comments:

Lisa said...

Tesha,
The tears are flowing as I read this. How touching..and how it reminds me afresh of our own loss many years ago. We have accepted it, but we will never stop grieving. And we will never forget.
Many blessings..

Trennia said...

It is bittersweet when hello follows with goodbye.(((hugs)))
you and your family are in my prayers.

Love Being A Nonny said...

I love what your husband said:*WE can't let him go on his birthday*...How precious are those words! Bless you all!

Glenys Robyn Hicks said...

Crying with you, and with understanding... my twin girls were stillborn at 32 weeks... no words except I am praying for you all...

Blessings and gentle hugs,

Glenys

Christine said...

Bless you for writing this beautiful tribute to Jonathan! Not only will it bless many, many, readers, but it will show other moms and dads how to walk this same path. I have a few tributes to my son, whom we lost between 20 and 21 weeks, but no pictures. All of this, and each subsequent post will help you, your family, and other families. Bless you for being brave in your grief, and for expressing how much a blessing every baby is!

Praying for you every day, for I know how dark this can get, even with His grace.

SingerMamaMelody said...

Dear Tesha,

I feel it with you...reading your story of losing Jonathan reminded me so of losing my Solveig Sofia who was born still 3/29/12. I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story here. I'm working on writing mine as well if you want to read it through my blog. May God hold you up during the dark moments and give you hope in Him.

With love,
Melody from MN

Kim said...

Tesha, I am in tears as I read your story about Jonathan's birth. Thank you for sharing. Your love for Jonathan is profound, he is so precious and so special. Thank you for reaching out and commenting on my blog.

Kim

Lauren Johnson said...

Teesha,
Like the others that posted comments, I am in uncontrollable tears right now. I cannot imagine what you went through in those 24-48 hours. It's hard to understand why God allows these things to happen but I trust, as I'm sure you do, He is in control of it all. He loves us all, and I'm sure His heart was breaking for you and your family through all of this. Thank you for sharing your story so candidly. I know you will touch so many lives through the story of your precious Jonathan.

Sarah Halstead said...

Wow! This brought tears to my eyes. So very sorry for you loss. My friend lost 2 girls one at 18 weeks and one at 32 weeks. It has been hard on her. Thanks for sharing your story.

Kim Cunningham said...

Such a heartbreaking story and yet so hopeful in God's promises. I am so sorry for you loss of a beautiful son. May God comfort you.

Allison Renee said...

What a beautiful story. I cried as I read this. Have you heard the audio of Michelle Duggar reading the letter that she wrote to her last baby that is in Heaven? You can find it at her blog. It is amazing and has brought me much comfort in my recent loss. Praying for peace and healing for your family.

Kelly said...

What a beautiful beautiful dedication to your precious baby boy. Thank you for sharing your heart here.

Sandi said...

A beautiful tribute to a sweet boy! So sorry you had to say goodbye. I know first hand how hard it is to walk away and leave there little body behind. Gut wrenching painful. Thanks for sharing his story, your story.

Elizabeth said...

I'm so sorry that you had to go through all of this. Jonathan had beautiful little feet.

Jill said...

Oh I am so so so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Jonathan. This post made me cry.

I am thankful you have found me yet I am so sad under the circumstances.

Thank you for posting a comment. I am so so sorry.

This week is a hard week for me, my little girl who was born at 28 weeks to severe preeclampsia on April 27, 2009, would be THREE next Friday. Such a hard time, even three years later, when I have my "rainbow" baby. She sees me cry and she says "emi" for Naomi. She knows, and she is only 19 months. It breaks my heart.

Please if you ever want to talk, cry or anything I am here. NaomiSadie916@yahoo.com is my email. Your family is beautiful. I am so sorry my dear friend.

Jennifer Stroup said...

What a beautiful story! I am in tears right now. Those photos are just precious. Trust in the Lord and remember, Jesus has a rocking chair!

mx said...

Thank you for sharing your heart - the sorrow and the hope. AS a mother of six myself - 5 on earth and one in heaven, my heart aches with you and find healing in the arms of Jesus with you...

Catherine W said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful son, Jonathan Anthony. Such a dear little boy, beloved and very deeply missed.

I think that wonderful nurse who spoke to you was absolutely right.

DannielleSB said...

Teasha (beautiful name btw!)

I just stumbled upon your blog today, and I'm weeping reading the stories of your babies!

God is the mender of the brokenhearted! Hugs to you!

KnottedFingers said...

Thank you for sharing your gorgeous story of your beautiful angel. I'm so sorry for your loss

Cam @Ms. Understood said...

Thank you for sharing Jonathan's story and for the pictures. God bless your family.

Kyla said...

What a beautiful story and wonderful photos! Much love to you Momma <3

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